Sugar highs and vanilla skies

it's close to one in the afternoon, and instead of my normal healthy snack, i am drinking my sugary coke, and eating a kit-kat bar- No wonder why I can't lose anymore weight. Normally I am the healthfood queen, I even try to my fruits and veggie's from the organic section- but today i am craving a sugar high- or i can see my head crashing at my desk, and i going to the land of nod-
I am also craving a fruity tutti drink and a night out- some good old fashion debaucry would be up my alley-
I am tired of being miss boring-

a good day

I got a lot accomplished. I drove around this morning and wrote down a lot of phone numbers to apartments, and two places for lease to own in our area. usually the 'rent' to own is more then a thousand bucks a month, i know that might not be much to someone for a house payment, but that a lot for us.
so we will see, i did find a great place with a yard, two stories, a bigger kitchen, and it's a house not a complex...so we will see...
i then went to the park and walked 4 miles, i dont know where i get all this energy...
and then we went to the taste of cinni-

i might go store tomorrow, wish the picture places was opened to get ezra pictures done...i guess thats going to happen after work this coming week...

and its going to be a short week since my hubby is going to have his teeth pulled (i think) he just told me he need my paychecks for the last month, sigh and i dont have that info-

sigh

geeky art time

I eaither have to much time on my hands, or all my crazy times in my past life has effected my brain. or I am really a genius, and should be paid a million dollars for each painting I do, and each great idea I produce. come on invest in me (giggle)

when i went to art school, my big project i was working on was a huge cut up canvass, turn into interactive three dimensional puzzle peices, that you as the viewer put togearther, and can change, turn my art into your own art, because all art is subjective, then you had to write, or answer questions on what you saw in my orginal art peice, and how your's is diffrent. playing on the idea that all art is subjective, and you really can't feel what the artist did at the time the artist painted, drew etc, but you play on the idea of mood, feeling and thought...blah blah...

anyhow that project is laying in peices in my closet, and i never really finished the peices i wanted other people to put togeather, and the canvass kept bending (yes three dimensional) and well i had no where to place this huge project- so yeah-

any how here's a smaller version o f that sameconcept- the concept being is that art is subjective.


Anyhow it show you that the two figures move around in each photo I am taking, not making a huge diffrence in the overall look of the painting, but i think changing the mood, showing hidden elements or covering up parts of the color. the diffrence of color settings of the camera changes the feel of it, blah, blah...do i really need to explain further..

I been in a werid mood with my art lately, the last three painting i have composed all have swirls in them..maybe i am in a funk

anyhoo-

i need a bath, enough for tonight

coffee tables and car's

we thrift a new coffee table, a, because I broke ours, two you can find nice things in thrift shops and I am not ashamed of trying to save money, and three I am going to paint it anyways, so no ones really going to know what the original condition it was in the first place. so at first I didn't have a plan for a design for the table, other then coat it, and that makes sure it has a very durable glossy non-toxic top coat-

I use non toxic paints in my home, i like oil paints, but the cleaner's make me very ill, and my skin blisters from them. if you have ever seen me paint, I really get into it.

anyhow I decided to paint my version of starry night, wish me luck, i am sure, there wont be the structural town in the end product, because my favorite part of the paint is the sky, and the general overall mood to the peice-

I feel sticky, stuck between edges, torn between pieces. I feel erased, partially there, in between. the no and nothings. silent, open, barren, blank, i am canvass being painted with white paint.
I feel as I hard as I try, I am not running fast enough forward. I am not getting anywhere, the car has it's hazards, and I am on the side of the road, walking without a desire with out an destination.

I can't make a decision, nothing is pleasing, nothing is that distressing, nothing is going, moving or taking place.

the weeds just sway in the trees-

It's hot and dry outside, like a midland desert on a cool day- a slight breeze hits the dying embers of the oaks. color's fade back into brown, death falls, as rain has been barren for days. plants shrivel, decompose back into the angry earth.
we have polluted her seas, forests, arms, legs, breasts and body, and we continue to do nothing about it. She coughs and gags on our emissions, struggling to breath. she starts to wheeze.

afternoons are slow in my little ant world, i watch the clock slowly tick on by, today i wish i was far away from this world.

empty

my head is empty.

no thoughts are circulating.

let's rephrase

my mouth is empty, I don't have the words to speak.

-

one of the mom's on my 'mommy board' 4 month year old daughter was diagnosed with leukemia this past weekend. it's a shock to my system, because I just met the mom a few weeks ago, thus making it all seem realer- my heart breaks for her. but i have hope, but it makes me realize that those big complicated problems, are really not complicated at all-

i broke our coffee table, we thrift another one for ten bucks, i put the gesso on it, and started to paint it, but i am unhappy about it- so i am think i am going to do my own version of Picasso's starry night- which will take forever, so what-

i thought i try to write, oh well seems like i am not in the mood today-blah

Come to my jungle Jim!

What a weekend.

I finally have a minute of just me time. Kido is in bed, Charles is at work. I am sitting here listening to my fish tank.

Saturday was Dommie's birthday party, we arrived fashionably late. One because my car was still with out wheels sitting at the mechanic, and my dad just made me tour car lots. we would like a second car, Charles is going to nku, and i work, and will be transporting our little one. the problem is we can't afford a car, or the payments, or insurance, or, much of anything else. we have savings, but it's for our future home, one sweet day-but em its a pain in the ass, *to have one car-especially if something gasp happens-
anyhow so my dad made me test drive a car, whoop, lets see dealing with a car sales man, in a tight space, treating you like a 'woman' or object, asking you about your credit score, is not how i like to spend my sleep deprived morning, especially since i really don't know why i was looking at this car- even though he was trying to convince me he was not based on commission, he was surely trying to shove a car down my throat-
then you have my father, throwing out numbers, and i dealing with a teething six month old, still asking my self why am i standing in a car lot?
so we finally got out of the car lot, to go check on my wheel less, piece of shit car i do drive, and here comes a false estimate of a whooping 700 extra dollars for some missing bolt- this is all bull shit, because we already had an estimate for em 200 dollars for some missing bolt- so I hate mechanic's, i have already be thrown by a bone, and had shop charge me way to much money for breaks they didn't fix, so i hate mechanic's...
so my car wouldn't be done till 3pm, so papa bear came me their car, and took my piece of shit one, and now I been driving grandma mobile around- it's a huge white ford, that use to be an unmarked undercover cop car-
i cant park it, i can't really park normally in the first place, though amazingly i can parallel park amazingly well...

to dommie's party- i got to meet a new person, who i speak through the Internet-
i am super shy, always have been, though I have had my 'social' periods, were I wasn't scared to talk to anyone. this was in my wild days, except I can randomly talk to strangers. i tend to be the person that a random person (usually elderly) will come up to me and have a ten to twenty minute conversation with. But i know that this person won't be a fixture on my wall. so i guess i am shy with potential friends. or let's face it, i am not the best with small talk, i tend to be quiet, pull out some deep thought from my ass. but i am truthfully scared that i a will not be liked, offend you, or appear to clingy.
so i have a hard time inviting someone to come play on the jungle jim with me!
so anyway i felt pretty comfortable with said new person, most likely because i already feel in some way connected. this is a bit odd to me, because well i am a bit we rid.

though i like life a little slower, I loved the west coast train of thought, but a part of me just likes to watch the grass grow, and ignore the Conservative world that's around me. i go off in the little world inside my head- well a lot-

but i like the odd ball weather here, i am use to it, i like the country (i hate cinni) but i like the Fields of corn, and the different plants, and the road side farmer's, that i can shoot the shit for hours with-

which means i have to think of what veggies i want to put in the garden this coming weekend, with a hoe...one that can handle weeds :( since i can't drive out to my parents house every few days-

well going to the art show makes me, think that i can show my art. my art is very emotional and raw to me, i put a lot of who i am in every line of color, and i don't want someone to tell me it's complete shit. I also don't really want to sell it, but there are a few peices, i can give up- if the price is right..
to bad i couldn't of been baby less, i am a little uncomfty taking my kid to a bar- a i was taken to bars to go find my dad when i was really young, and i hated it, and bars to me are for an adults..

even though we could of stayed park in tv land for a long while, tv land quite scared me. the tv was larger then the computer section of our apartment- it totally scared me! who would waste that much money on a tv? and the men were staring it, like zombies...
lot's of crazy thoughts entered into my head inside the apartment, so i had to remove myself quite quickly!
before the tv ate up my soul and sucked me dry!

anyhow i found my journal from Nepal, who i need to copy and send to a friend-
but i wanted to post pages of my experience- to share, since it's been close to 7 years since i had my great adventure-
and sometimes i feel lonely for adventure, and i been sorta sentimental lately-

As i read it I go wow my grammer was horrid :( so i need to retype the whole thing before i set it out

sorry this blog seems like i am talking to the computer as a person, i think i have lost my mind...

Homage to my Familia or Picture Time

My Dad and Ezra when he was 2 months old
Ezra and His great grandmother Ruth
Sebastion Kitty and Ezra
Bella and Apollo
Family Picture 9 days after Ezra was born
Daddy and Ezra
36 Hours of labor will make you yawn
Charles on our Honey moon

Debbie Charles Mom and his little brother Tony- My mom and I, my wedding day

Grandma Ruth on my wedding day, Me and charles
Charles hitting dr. phil 2006

Charles and I 2005


Charles 2005-or 4 not sure

4:30 am on election day 2004

More to come, but when I was posting them I decided it's time to print out six months of ezra's life, and now i am trying to decided the best picture's, oh geez, :)

I did it!

Yesterday I made my goal of walking 7. 2 miles. add to that i also biked an extra mile. I am very proud of myself for doing it. though in retrospect it wasn't the greatest idea to take Ezra with me. apparently, he would not keep his sunglasses or hat on, so the sun kept getting in his eyes. thus one pissed off baby. the 4th mile was the mile of hell-I do love my child to pieces, but children do get frustrating when you have invested a lot of time trying to make them happy- and nothing is working-(again i realized that maybe i should of taken the shorter path, eh, i don't always have the best judgement)
and the people on trail gave me this look, like why are you even trying to attempt this? or the shake of the head!

but i haft to say in my benefit, there were also several other mom's on the trail, walking their multiple children, so i am not the only ding bat in the world, and they also had screaming children. (mine was only screaming for a short while) I think people forget that children cry, and melt down-

so on mile 4, Ezra just wanted to be held, unfortunately i can only hold a 20 pound baby for so long. so we sat in the grass, and watch it turn. this is my attempt of poetry- we sat for a long while, watching the grass-

bright sun, blue eyed, soft skin baby boy
cries, screams and twists
sweat drips
from the breast of mother

hush, hush

goes the twists
of cornsilk, honeydew and soft yellow palm grass

hush hush

vast powder blue sky
floats lonely eggshell white cumulus clouds

as acid yellow light
shines fierily from the sun-

hush hush
the willow wind does say
hush hush

he did calm down when we hit the 5.3 mile mark, on our adventure we saw: horses, a wild rabbit, diffrent species of monarch butterflies, various types of birds (cardinal, blue jay, hawk, buzzard) and a deer- so it was an excellent nature hike.

well got to go back to work, i finally got my mp3 battery from home, so i am jammin away - makes the day much faster

My mother's day

Was pretty uneventful, I did get to sleep in on sunday. But I cleaned and mop a floor, nothing exceptunal there.
My true mother's day will come on june 29th, where i will have a night full of dark rock. I hope i can feel the sweat of the band, and I also hope they will vere away from their latest record.
Charles purchased Tool tickets for me on saturday morning, he actually went for the best seats :)
so for the first time in my life, my nose won't bleed-

i have a headache and cant find my badge so, i am sitting here, trying to look busy-------
sigh!

5 dollars

That's what the cost of economy gesso is at hobby lobby- It is better then white paint- it's textured white paint. add some gloss (not suppose to be used as a medium) and i am in heaven. Gloopy wet paint-! oh if i could actually find my digital camera i would document them- but humm-

i put some of my art works on a board i post on- and its not my best stuff, oh i think it sucks, trying not be self critical- i hate posting my work
shrugs shoulders-

but i actually sorta like the painting i did- my mandala series will become unconventional lines, and the other recent painting is my sharp people in my blue world- though that conceptial art, because you can move my people around- i show it, when i find my camera..

anyhoo- because i been warping back in time latley with my musical choices. i just found out that 97x (bam the future of rock and roll) has a vintage channel and it takes me back to my fond days of high school and early college...and well it all i listen to at work, because i cant remember to bring in my triple A battery for my mp3 player, so i been jamming along-

I decided to go way back, well not that way back since they still produce music, and post some kmfdm lyrics, that well just fit my mood for the last hour...

Im such a cheese ...

Kmfdm - Dogma Lyrics

ALL WE WANT IS A HEADRUSH
ALL WE WANT IS TO GET OUT OF OUR SKIN FOR A WHILE
WE HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
ANYTHING WE WANT ANYWAY...
WE USED TO HATE PEOPLE
NOW WE JUST MAKE FUN OF THEM
IT'S MORE EFFECTIVE THAT WAY
WE DON'T LIVE
WE JUST SCRATCH ON DAY TO DAY
WITH NOTHING BUT MATCHBOOKS AND SARCASM IN OUR POCKETS
AND ALL WE ARE WAITING FOR IS FOR SOMETHING WORTH WAITING FOR
LET'S ADMIT AMERICA GETS THE CELEBRITIES WE DESERVE
LET'S STOP SAYING "DON'T QUOTE ME" BECAUSE IF NO ONE QUOTES YOU
YOU PROBABLY HAVEN'T SAID A THING WORTH SAYING
WE NEED SOMETHING TO KILL THE PAIN OF ALL THAT NOTHING INSIDE
WE ALL JUST WANT TO DIE A LITTLE BIT
WE FEAR THAT POP-CULTURE IS THE ONLY CULTURE WE'RE EVER GOING TO HAVE
WE WANT TO STOP READING MAGAZINES
STOP WATCHING TV
STOP CARING ABOUT HOLLYWOOD
BUT WE'RE ADDICTED TO THE THINGS WE HATE
WE DON'T RUN WASHINGTON AND NO ONE REALLY DOES
ASK NOT WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR COUNTRY
ASK WHAT YOUR COUNTRY DID TO YOU
THE ONLY REASON YOU'RE STILL ALIVE IS BECAUSE SOMEONE
HAS DECIDED TO LET YOU LIVE
WE OWE SO MUCH MONEY WE'RE NOT BROKE WE'RE BROKEN
WE'RE SO POOR WE CAN'T EVEN PAY ATTENTION
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT
YOU WANT TO BE FAMOUS AND RICH AND HAPPY
BUT YOU'RE TERRIFIED YOU HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER THIS WORLD
THING TO SAY AND NO WAY TO SAY IT
BUT YOU CAN SAY IT IN THREE LANGUAGES
YOU ARE MORE THAN THE SUM OF WHAT YOU CONSUME
DESIRE IS NOT AN OCCUPATION
YOU ARE ULTIMATELY THRILLED AND DESPERATE
SKYHIGH AND FUCKED
LET'S STOP PRAYING FOR SOMEONE TO SAVE US AND START SAVING OURSELVES
LET'S STOP THIS AND START OVER
LET'S GO OUT-LET'S KEEP GOING
THIS IS YOUR LIFE-THIS IS YOUR FUCKING LIFE
WE NEED SOMETHING TO KILL THE PAIN OF ALL THAT NOTHING INSIDE
QUIT WHINING YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG BECAUSE FRANKLY
YOU HAVEN'T DONE MUCH OF ANYTHING
SOMEONE'S WRITING DOWN YOUR MISTAKES
SOMEONE'S DOCUMENTING YOUR DOWNFALL

Art

Tonight i am taking Ezra to art store, to pick up some paints. I am going to work on painting tonight. I am working on my mandala series. this idea is taken from Mandala Sand 'sculpture's". I feel as i need a little structure to my art work, and painting is my meditation. thus i am hoping the shapes of traditional mandals will provide some strucure.

But i wanted to get my few reader's opinions on some art pieces, and i wanted to show or 'talk' about how they make me feel.

This peice makes me think of a woman binded insinde the perfection of a perfect body. I also feel that the torso reselmbles a data base, sorta scratched and metallic. the torso feel to me robotic, scratch. I am not so fond of coloring, but thats me.

This peice to me feels like the ocean. Beautiful but chaotic. it's very dreamy, and i see many figures, images inside the colr's of the paint, like a dragon, a greek god, mermaid, plants, fish, ocean life, a storm raging, a man coming into being...

what do you see?

taking a scuplture class

I am really excited about this! :)
i will be taking it at the fine art academy in cinni, it's a community class, and i hope i do well..
not that the class is for credit or a grade. but its for me to have time to do art, have some sorta direction...sometimes i need little projects, aie a muse, to help me CREATE things..

well after the last stream of conscious post, i think i will cuddle with my kitties and go to sleep early.

knowing...

there are times in my life i feel totally alone.
i think that eveyone is three steps away from me, and i always haft to run to catch up.
that my legs can never move fast enough.
my lungs can never breath hard enough.
that i never get to say hello, get to that place where i feel totally close to another person.

i dont feel liked, i want to know how i annoy you, i want to know my flaws, i want to fix them all up, i want to become a better person...
i worry if my feelings are outrageous, that i feel like i can't handle, this or that..
i just want to be liked...

but sometimes i hate being social, i hate the noise of big crowds, i cant handle all the emotions, all the sounds, my eyes move to fast, i am to distracted, scared, confused, feel as everything is eating me...

all these words to protray that i feel like my closet friends are so far away
to protray my thoughts of, can we ever really know how it is to be another person..

so i am insequre, have low self esteem, think i suck, think i am ugly...
think i pissed you off in some way or another...
how do i annoy you....please tell me...

please, i want to please, please, please...
with all the i am sorries...

doesnt make any sense, i cant speak...

just watching shadows dance along the walls...

do i have to come back to reallity

Thats how i been feeling since i opened the office door on Monday, do I really haft to come back to reallity?
I finish one of my work tasks, and I still don't have the companies email! I swear each time they shuffle me around, it's like this! and i can't print anything, transfer my work on the share drive, check my 'email'.
so i keep on keeping on, but i simply get tired of filling out data sheets, for info i dont really understand. i think it's sad when the highlight of my days lately at work is pumping out my boobies. i wish ohio was an key state (it should be for a freaking primary! i am stuck because my husband is in school here, our familes ar ehere..but ohio doesnt offer me a lot of carrer choices in the feild. and not till mr. bush starts granting money out to non-profits (yeah guess how many billions of dollars he took away from grant funding for his war effort-
oh no suprising he veto the bill..yack puke on bush-
a lot of pe