depression

It's the holiday time, and I am far from making gifts, buying them, or being in the spirit. I feel like my life is like some bad country song.

I have a lot on my mind.

I by the end of Sunday haft to decided what job to take.

(right now i have two choices one with great benefits but shitty hours) the other with good hours shitty benefits) one pays a little bit more, but not a huge difference.

i being the bread winner of family right now while my husband is finishing college, its a big choice.

did i mention i hate the concept of bread winner? it makes the other person like they don't do anything.

anyhow my family dog past away this week, and i am saying my official goodbye to his grave tomorrow, i am also going to visit my grandmother who my father reports to me is on her death bed. my dad is not the greatest at calling me when things happen, I didn't find out our family dog was dead till two days afterwards. so i am scared that tomorrow morning when i awake i will hear don't bother coming down shes already dead, or getting there and finding out-

there's something i need to tell her before she passes...

in case she goes tonight in the cosmos of electronic equipment i want to say i'll look after him, if anything happens, ill look after him, don't worry, rest now, you can go now.

big pile

of mush, thats how my life is sometimes. I realize at 26 my life goes in waves. theres this calm tide, and then a rush. right now I am in a rush.

theres the job front, after about a year and half of sending out resumes and trying for things. I have like five choices, two job offers, and two possible ones. recruiters bore me, especially the one I casually filled out paperwork in her office today. I wasn't dressed to impress her, I just came in to fill out paper work. but she gives me that talk of make sure to wear a business suit. I just sorta look at her. I am telling her things she already told me and forgot, she didn't even bother to do her job as a recruiter. I am trying to work with her to go on an interview, and if I get this job, she gets a bonus on her paycheck.

Jesus

On Saturday night I ventured out to good old Hamilton Ohio, my hometown to go to a poetry reading with my friend. i was excited, a bunch of an artists' getting together to read things from their hearts. I thought I would get to connect to the outside world.
Wow was I wrong..
So very wrong.

In my life time I can count about twenty people who have tried to save me. I just don't think my soul needs a saving. I am not a fundamental thinker, I am still exploring self, and picking and choosing my creator. who is not male, who is not white, who's son was not jesus, who is more complicated then I could ever fathom. my mind throws religion in a big stew pot, and then comes up with a line of thought. I am still working on it, I am not without 'god' he is just not tied to a classic church, and might have multiple arms and hands and people working for 'it'

side not i think our language for god is way to simple, please give me some more words to work with

so sometimes i get a bit annoyed with folks who are preaching about how there way is the right way, and feel like they need to take care of my soul. i think i am doing a good job doing that myself..

so yeah the night was werid, and i made everyone there very uncomfortable by reading a free verse poem about iraq.
hey think outside of the box! is it that hard?

heres my free verse


Ignorance is not Innocence
Imagination is not Insanity

Imagine

Eleven Thirty, Sunday morning,

your a

coffee snob, early waking, non-church going, working slob
pushing a steel cart, down the lanes of Kroger, Meijer or Super Wally World
or what i like to call Fuck-Mart
and
Your trapped in the corner
between the geriatric section of
rotting flesh zombies who are picking out which brand of Depends they need to use
Who just can't help themselves from drooling over your child

who you just got to sit down, and not stand in the shopping cart
and not scream at the top of his lungs

and all you want to do is decided which type of bread you want
wheat, rye, white, super white, seven grain, cheep, mult-grain, one with organic flour, raisin swirl?

when

1-2-3-4

Innocence is not Imagination
Insanity is not Ignorance

all you can see and feel is

red pulse
fire
erupting through the columns
tiny fluorescent pieces of shiny glass
slapping against your eyes
you hear
seventy five curling screaming
taste bitter orange against your lips
mix with sour blood
while your hands, feet, chest collapse you ask...

where is my child?
where's my god damn child?


but thats not america
Fuck-Tart is not going to blow

thats Iraq, today, tomorrow, and yesterday

your just another civilian reported dead on NPR, along with the five innocent children, along with sixteen soldiers
caught
in a market,
roadside,
street,
bombing

in a land without walls, running water, electricity, hospitals, a stable identity, education or
laws

all i ask

is show me

innocence is not ignorance
insanity is not imagination

on cnn, fox, dateline, cbs, nbc local 12,5,7,9
the body bags, the mass graves, the children's faces, the number of soldiers dead, the three gun solutes
show me
daily life

awaken US, us mass medicated zombies spoon feed, thoughts, fluff and reality tv

awaken US with out twenty choices of bread, seventeen brands of mac and cheese, and cowboy boots and suvs

awaken us...

let us see what happens at prison camps, immigration heists, what the press is feed and paid
and who owns what

awaken us to where all the military spending goes, and
the real reason to death

let us question

why

my brother, sister, wife, friend, cousin, child, aunt mother, father, stranger, person,
or
"terrorist" and "insurgent"

had to DIE today?

awaken is

ignorance is innocence
innocence is ignorant
innocence is ignorance
imagination is insanity
insanity is imagination
insanity is not

To sum it all up

Thanksgiving, its like the prelude to Christmas. Its this holiday that is suppose to in idea to celebrate what you are thankful. but its history is one full of lies and blood baths. The first thanksgiving was not one of happy pilgrams and giving Indians. take a look, and you will see that we trapped and burn the natives of the land.
but lets think happy thoughts children- enter sarcasm here-

but i wont take my boat down that river-

thanksgiving for me was depressing, uncomfortable and insane. i wanted to mash up my face at the end of it. every year my mother and law has the same feast, that tastes the same, and makes my body gag. since i am an member of the family, i make the potatos so i dont go home hungry at the end.

I wish i could just do the cooking, and i wish it was just friends and no family involved.
the inlaws make me want to squish my face up and go oh god at moments. its odd and ackward, and my husband gets depressed to deal with his own thoughts and matters, so its a day where i wish would just go and come..much like Christmas...

i hate the spending of it all

thus why i hide away on black friday

Well that was about ten pm, nov 21, 2006. After being drugged and having a baby pulled from my body via. C section.

i'm getting there

i am getting to witting a really large post, i promise, as soon as this week of holidays are over.

but here just a little bit of this week

i am tangled up with jesus
he's all sticky
and he wants to save me

baby daddys and poor white trash
depression equals
m=ec2
downward spiral
keeps ons spinning

On this day last year

I was induced into Labor! 36 hours later, Ezra came into this world. What a journey it has been.

A grand, sweet Ezra post will come sometime this holiday week.

I am off to enjoy a book, some quiet time in a bath, and then trying to avoid folding all the laundry in our house!

schools and education

I am not in favor of the school district where I live. I am not in agreement that school funds equate to taxes. all schools should be created equally, and all students should have quality teachers, all the supplies that they need, etc.

but that's not the way it is.

and if i move like 1/2 mile down the road, i would live in a much better school district. this is nonsense to me.

because our household income is not above 200,000 dollars per year, and who knows if it will ever be. we are cozy on our income, I am not big into status. So having the best clothes, cars, posh furniture is not very important.

but my child is important to me, and his quality of education is important, and somewhere along the lines because of taxes and school Levy's, business and the lottery system....and who knows what else.

i don't live in a good school district, and i am not happy with kids getting tested, and not learning things like critical thinking or not having an art or music class..

so were at one years old looking at how we would get financial aid for a private school, and if there any private schools with out over active religous adgenda's....

anyhoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

witty?

Sometimes there's this lull in life. Where there is a pool of energy that is not moving. That is where I am at. waiting. its not like i haven't been taking steps to change my pool of water. I have gone on several interviews.

but nothing..

is changing..

sweet blues

sweet blues enter into my soul last night. for an second of time, there was just me, and music.
i went through a blues period in my youth, so I was naming several tunes they were a playing.
i of course went rat a tat on the table following the beats, dreaming about being a drummer.
i had enough energy to dance, but my partner is not a dancer, and I didn't have the nerve to dance alone.

this is why i wish a friend would came along, i do get lonely.

at one point the blues brothers enter the bar.

seriously i am not joking.

ok it wasn't the original blues brothers, but it was a wife and husband in costume from head to toe and how they amused me on how much they got into there roles. at one point i was reaching for the briefcase of blues that was handcuff to the male. this of course kept my partner pretty entertained because i was acting pretty silly about the whole thing. i did ask what was in the case. my partner said i was just egging them on..

but so what?

it was fun, and sometimes i forget how fun i can be, or how small things can amuse me.
i realize sometimes i just take life to damn seriously...

mornings

i awake with the sun, crawling out of the covers to watch tiny trains, and cars wheel on by on the floors of the little place i call home
sleep always hovers me, i ask, self should i go out, smile at the few lost souls not in bed, get a shot of coffee something to a w a ken me to the life i live on the weekends..
my other life? my real life?
or should i tidy up, put on

domestic goddess gown and pickup trash and dishes left behind the week of pick, run, pick, run, pick run, do, work, do work, cry fuss, eat trash, do work, cry fuss, sleep, a wake, cough cough?

or should i dream about my other life, the one all in my head, where i am free..

drifting on by, watching the moments pass on by, waiting for something to give to change, to move to repeat, to feel like

i am something special, new, shiny, red

truck, car, stadium fixtures on monday morning gleam..

where i am going with this i just dont know....

yesterday was election day

and i didn't vote.

no i didn't go to the polls, and this is the first Election i have missed voting in since i was 18.

our city council remained the same (no surprise there), thank-god people had some sense not to increase taxes for a new jail-

voting is a big thing in my household, elections and issues use to drive my every day life. i use to know every ones platform, knew soundbites about the issues, use to organize people to get to the polls.

but this year, this year i just didn't have any umpth-this year i wasn't working or tied to a candidate, this year, i didn't work for an issue campaign, didn't sign up to vote, or filled out my change address form.

this year i was angry about the fact that you have to show your photo id, with a current address.

but, i didnt go and fight, no....carrie didnt jump on a table and scream this is unconstitutional that you need my id to vote. (why is this an issue because of the homeless population, people who move often)

no i didnt do much at all-

AWAKE

my child who i have been scooting to doctors, wiping snot off a nose that keeps running decided that it was a good idea to wake up at 6 am this morning
sadly i am not sure if the time went back or froward an hour-for i have been confused since good old buddy bush decided to change it to 'save' energy-
so hear i am, half awake even though i went to bed 'early'.

i am glad i didn't go out- sorry ladies-
i wasn't feeling it-

i did paint, kicked some ass in gutair hero, and woke up with out and hangover-

does anyone read this?

i ponder that question

i have been busy being nurse to my sick child, support crutch, house work slave-working girl-

if you read this prompt me to write more