wants to move out of the city

seriously people go ape shit- it's toxic, and i want to see the damn stars-
I want my kid to play in the yard and not worry-

so we were suppose to go out tonight and have adult time and send our spawn to my mother in law- but-

dipshits next store to her decided that it would be a great idea to burn shit in there back yard, flames that rose over there house, easily catching my mother's in house on fire- and i am now worried about my child's personal safety-
My mother in law is a single mom, who's stuck in a house, on a side of the city that every day is tuning more and more into a very bad ghetto-she bought the house has loans and so on and so forth-

stupid shits

Sunday clothes

Because the weather is turning I pulled out my summer/spring clothes out of the dungeon of our storage- I looked though them identifying the various personalities I have had over the years, and discovered that I need to rid myself of many of the clothes that were once stables of my identity- They are simply just not me, half of them most likely don't even fit my body anymore- my hips have spread, my breasts never quite return to their perky smaller size- and gravity has started to seep-my stomach well, is extra skin and fat-
I am also pulling close to thirty, those tee-shirts I wore out are to young, to bold, to plain, not the right color- eck- Clothes where I was a different idenity-
I have clothes in that bin from my senior year of high school, clothes that I wore when I was oh seventy pounds heavier and about to bear fruit to a child, clothes that I bought when I felt bloated, emotional- clothes I bought to feel sexy and and attract men- clothes that state my political views that I wore while working on a 2004 election-
I go in cycles where I rid myself of a few items, no longer needing that shirt, those pair of pants- but I feel I totally need to well go shopping, but theres no money- i guess ill just peicing myself togeather this summer and doing a lot of laundry-

Holidays

Holidays are pretty hard around our home- I am trying my hardest to change the pattern for my son, so he can feel warm about them, and not dread them as I do-
I would say on a revolving schedule on major holidays, my husband and I have pretty devestating fights- they hit hard, and god are they a devastating to my internal system- I don't want to go into great detail about it for all the internet world to see (or those few readers) but I am recovering, you learn things though marriage, and boy isnt easy, but its worth it-

broken

i feel pretty broken, and all used up
the end

you had thick black boots, smoking a camel in the the hot blaze of summer. I watch intrigued, my curiosity was poked-
I was dating crazy man, looking for love underneath a rock, and knowing it wasn't there-
we spoke, walked in the sun light of the twilight of June, wasting time away-
I fell in love with your voice first, even before your lips even touch mine-
you had some uncanny excitement towards me, I bought that book just attract your attention, did you know that?
I remember walking with you through target after the election, you just moved into my house- i was uncertain about my future, but i was ok because i was with you-
i felt protected, loved, warm-----

then those moments started to fade- i started to forget- forget your warm excitement, your smile, how your eyes looked at me, my skin next to yours

i just need you to know even though i may not be the girl for you
that i love you

bottom

the rollar coaster has hit the bottom of its reigns, and i don't know if it will ever get back up, i think the track is broken- and i know longer have the tools to fix it-
i dont know how to get out of the car, or which direction to turn from there-
i want soultions

skinny

I am officially on a diet- well sort of- I am counting calories, and avoiding temptations-
my temptations- french fries, no not fast food ones, (unless you count in penn station fries) but the big fat steak fries, or crinkle fries that you get at a mom and pa dinner- burrito's...and gooey sugary treats-
I know in all practicallity i should like my body- at least like it-
but i hate it- i hate the mommy crinkley, stomach-
but then you might shoot me if i told you what size i currently am and what i want to be

here and there

open up, Let the emotion flow-

I am- Lonely, needed adult stimuli from other adult beings, other than my significant other-
I need conversation- that doesn't involve children-
I am lost between the person I once was, am, and want to be-
I feel like I don't know where I am going- I really don't understand where I have been- and sometimes I really don't know what I want-
I am angry-
I foresee the political promised 'change' as a bunch of bullshit, and another war brewing- north korea
I have been thinking of death- what happens after life, and my fear aligned with it- a new fear brought by being a mother-
I am worried about losing my father- my mother's insanity, and the state of my family-
I need to paint-
I spend to much daydreaming on things that will never come-
I am counting calories- I have been stress eating, I feel
like my body is aging, I no longer get carded for anything-
my hair is too long, but i can't part with it-
i need a job, but don't one- i am tired of being poor, tired of living in the city- and tired of my house-
i want to be superwoman

this poem made me cry

Mother of the Groom by Seamus Heaney

What she remembers
Is his glistening back
In the bath, his small boots
In the ring of boots at her feet.

Hands in her voided lap,
She hears a daughter welcomed.
It’s as if he kicked when lifted
And slipped her soapy hold.

Once soap would ease off
The wedding ring
That’s bedded forever now
In her clapping hand.