tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42741700585676460462024-03-12T19:19:05.268-05:00just me..Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.comBlogger320125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-12591346193737182772010-09-14T11:11:00.001-05:002010-09-14T11:12:25.830-05:00back to school and shityes, i started yet another blog on another site-let me know if you want it, its just my humor prose..<br />i am back to school, and have no time 3 days of school 2 days of clinical<br />and right now my hands are purple from gram staining..Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-10956432454931373522010-08-23T10:01:00.000-05:002010-08-23T10:02:02.679-05:00andmy soul is really angry..Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-48270620506141415792010-08-17T20:39:00.001-05:002010-08-17T20:40:30.743-05:00i'm a bitchseriously i am, this has come to my attention. I just dont like the world.<br />again, excuse me, i am getting readjusted to medication or physical absence from it.<br />it's better to be a hobbit.Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-85040574156104793682010-07-23T13:40:00.003-05:002010-07-23T13:44:26.284-05:00medicated and french fried...realized today, that if I miss a dose of my medication, I become bizarre, and tend to hate, or loath most of humanity. <br />because of this I am officially 'french fried', meaning that I am a pill popping american, who can't stand society unless I take my happy little pills..<br />I get to meet with my head doctor, she will most likely up my dose, because I am still anxiety ridden, especially before bed- it takes me for ever to fall asleep, and again here I am popping natural herbs to fall asleep, now staying asleep for a whole night, is something I am trying to work on. <br />sometimes i wish things were legal here in Ohio, and if I consume it I won't lose my placement in my program..Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-43341479994878716052010-07-21T12:32:00.002-05:002010-07-21T12:36:06.371-05:00i'm doneafter therapy yesterday, I realize I been holding onto friendship's that are not healthy for me. I realize I have grown, or have different values, then those who I may of been close to in the pass. I use to say, I will always be there, but this time is my time to say no. <br />sorry for my parting, but it's my turn to walk away..Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-53917604465918129092010-06-14T19:10:00.002-05:002010-06-14T19:12:43.277-05:00its hot...andits hot and i am stressed, dont know where life is going to take me next...<br />should i stay in school, or find a job, and what job will, and can i find. oh i just want some peace of mine. been smoking to much, and stomach in knots, can't concentrate on shit, dont know where to go, or where to......<br />beCarriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-37472540024018272722010-05-21T04:42:00.001-05:002010-05-21T04:44:54.434-05:00thingsthings are well on the fence line. This term of school has been difficult, I thought I was going ok. But I have an incomplete in my chemistry class. She needs to see me improve my competency in lab. did I say I was a nervous reck? a non focusing zombie?Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-37557610590271255432010-05-14T05:10:00.003-05:002010-05-14T05:15:11.244-05:005 mins, and things about mei love cats<br />dogs are pretty nifty but take lots of energy<br />i been to Nepal<br />witness child prostitution in Thailand<br />I have experience total silence<br />I miss bacon<br />I dont like drawling blood and i have a hard time finding veins<br />I want to go back to bed<br />I have depression<br />I am forgetful<br />i would only harm a person if they harmed my child<br />i grew up with guns<br />i still fish even though I dont eat them<br />i want to live in yurt<br />my favorite comfort food is spaghetti and salad<br />i eat salad for breakfast<br />i hate mushrooms<br />i am lonely even when i am surrounded by people<br />i jump on the bed<br />i like children better then most adults<br />i am trying to teach my son to make friends everywhere<br />i dont have this skill<br />i look like a hippie but haven't smoked any pot in forever<br />but it should be legalized<br /><br />the endCarriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-34191034419248306772010-05-07T20:29:00.003-05:002010-05-07T20:32:08.977-05:00stormsstorms<br />make me restless, I imagine myself being carried by the breeze<br />there this silence before they hit, the word turns empty<br />in these times<br />I want to run, float, travel to the wide ocean<br />forgetting the list of<br />unread books, and crumbs on the floor<br />and the taste of death that is becoming burn upon my lips<br />-------------------------------------------------------------Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-67666419687228045442010-05-06T15:51:00.002-05:002010-05-06T16:07:22.084-05:00...i hate the car shopping carts, its like a shiny present to be unwrapped by a little boy, but after 15 mins, they lose there luster, or perhaphs they are cramped little cages...at first there is a shiny piece of cheese in a form of a horn, but its really just an illusion..<br /><br />they are hard to push, but then the grocery store is a highway, you have to push through the lanes, as all the shiny cans dance before you..they always put candy by the juice, little hands saying I want, get me some..<br /><br />the little man, said 'i look like a piece of shit' yesterday,..but i wonder where he heard that phrase at...i mean I would know where, shit, fuck, douche bag, would come from, but we dont use direct insults in our household, i do say curse words, but not direct sayings...<br /><br />i dont understand the need to be fertile after having one child, the pressure to have another, or i dont understand fertility drugs, if the great being has blessed you with a child, maybe perhaphs you dont really need another one, and if you have an opening in your heart there is adoption, and do it in america, you dont need a brand new baby, there are a lot of children who just need love..<br /><br />children flock to me, perhaps its because I am an active parent.. i give my child space, to meet new children and play on his own terms, and if the park is empty i will play..i usually bring a book, and watch, I am not a car sitterCarriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-73092015841540927842010-05-06T08:47:00.001-05:002010-05-06T08:48:30.881-05:00bloodI having issues with, well I think sometimes medical technology is to good. I think that in somecases we are kept to long, and death should just come. I hate to see folks suffer...just let them be...<br /><br />i suck at taking blood, ok so I shouldnt be perfect, I stuck 4 people in my life so far, that's not a lot...I am newbie, i just need to be cofident, that i am going to suck a part of you away...Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-1011016648572227612010-05-05T18:52:00.003-05:002010-05-05T19:02:45.719-05:00and...I love how the wind carries the smell of honey suckle through the air, though honey suckle kills local fauna, it's still beautiful...<br /><br />eh, i go in my assessment for medication, in a couple of weeks, I don't know how I feel about taking meds, for my issues..right now i am just diagnosed as having a mood disorder, that's pretty general dont you think...<br /><br />my cat died on sunday morning, bella kitty was the family cat, for the last two months that cat has not left my side at night, he allowed ezra to hug on him, he sat on charles lap, he was big fat, and I think he knew it was coming, I don't know how Bella was when i got him, all I known he was a grown cat, and I had him for six years, and I really miss him, ezra went looking for b-e a lla today, and I about lost it again. I miss my cuddle bear...<br /><br />i am sticking people for blood at mercy hospital, i hate the childrens ward, where they but kids with behavioral issues, i just dont see how some of these kids are so bad that they are locked up...Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-72248290823273116242010-04-19T13:13:00.002-05:002010-04-19T13:16:24.544-05:00healthy starti have my second therapy appointment, and even though right now I feel fucked up afterwords, I am at least trying to deal with my life, and mental issues..<br />I am also on day 5- of quitting smoking, I can't ever say I won't smoke again, but I am trying cold turkey, and my ultimate goal is never to buy my own smokes, so if i have a drink and smoke i am not going to be mad at myself, i just can never have my own supply and since i live in a household of non smoking, and turn down smokes at school today, i am feeling pretty ok for myself...Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-8116689408913136102010-04-16T19:08:00.001-05:002010-04-16T19:10:50.878-05:00whats up with mea lot, but very little. I know I should start blogging. But emm, i don't know- I got done with another quarter, got straight b's, not bad..it's hard shit. I started seeing a therapist, am on my millionth attempt to quit smoking, i am trying to be social..la thats about it...Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-87962824416657989882010-04-16T19:07:00.000-05:002010-04-16T19:08:42.570-05:00april poemOwe you, what?<br />Every bottle picked<br />dish washed<br /> cloth hanged<br /> floor swept<br /><br />In your name<br /><br />Every block picked<br /> vomit soaked<br /> ass wiped<br /> child bore<br /><br />In your name<br /><br />Every insult<br />lie<br /> criticism<br /> tear<br /><br />witnessed, in your name<br /><br />Every scream<br /> push<br /> hesitance<br /> look<br /><br />In your name<br /><br />Every smile<br /> laugh<br /> breath<br />dance<br />kiss<br />bed<br />touch<br />caress<br /><br />Owe you, what? Dear Husband<br />Did you fail to notice?<br />All the bottles, I picked up<br />Papers now thrown <br />To trash.<br />All your clothes hung<br />all the floor swept?<br /><br />They were all in your name<br />My lord<br /><br />I also picked up all his blocks<br /> Soaked up the vomit<br />Spewed<br />And wiped his ass <br /><br />Let’s not forget he has your name<br />Not mine<br />Sweet lord<br /><br />And please let’s not forget<br />All the tears drained<br />Every insult, you’ve given<br />Lie I’ve taken<br /> <br />Just for you<br />Sweet Lord<br /><br /><br /><br />Owe you, what? Dear Husband (second ending)<br />Did you fail to notice?<br />All the bottles, I picked up<br />Papers now thrown <br />To trash.<br />All your clothes hung<br />all the floor swept?<br /><br />They were all in your name<br />My lord<br /><br />I also picked up all his blocks<br />Soaked up the vomit<br />Spewed<br />And wiped his ass <br /><br />Let’s not forget he has your name<br />Not mine<br />Sweet lord<br /><br />And please let’s not forget<br />All the tears drained<br />Every insult, you’ve given<br />Lie I’ve taken<br /> <br />Just for you<br />Sweet Lord<br />My one and only<br /> (but then again,<br /> There will be another smile<br /> Laugh<br /> And a long breath<br /> Between a dance<br /> And a kiss, a caress<br /> Oh ‘sweet lord’)Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-38916688781768991532010-03-25T06:47:00.001-05:002010-03-25T06:48:08.981-05:00Poem 3-for marcheventually I will write about my life, but whatever, enjoy my very personal poems, again orginal and revised, if anyone actually reads my blog, tell me which one is better<br /><br />Mother Mary Mercy<br /><br />Smooth granite<br />Entrance, manicured grass. <br />Lobby,<br />Mary worshiping<br />In a pool of dead wishes<br />Oh Mercy, <br /><br />Wheels of steel hitting laminated tile<br />Crystalline eyes peering though, air<br />Paper cloth surrounds,<br />Weathered hands, bruised<br />Touching<br />Protruding stomach,<br />Her linage, inside.<br /><br />Sly, smile, awkward glance<br />Before murderous rage<br />Ninety five pounds lunging,<br />At Mercy.<br />Oh Mother Mary.<br /><br />White table<br />Crowded by voices<br />Feeling needles in<br />Tenderized tissue<br /><br />Infant cries, arms empty<br />Floating in a convoluted hemisphere<br />Having conversations with Mary<br />Over death, Oh blessed Mother<br />Lights appear, arms filled with soft flesh<br />Oh Sweet,<br />Mercy<br /><br />Delicate finger wrapped<br />Around aged perspective<br />Words spoken, only known by deaf ears<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Pink candles, on yellow cake<br />Smoke fills with breath, as tears drain<br />Though muddy cob webs <br />Oh how Mary, is counting out<br />Her daughter’s years.<br /><br />Knees flushed with red stains<br />Hands clasp, clutching white rosary beads<br />As oxygen mask is clamped<br />On small face<br />Oh sweet mercy, let him breath<br /><br />at bedside<br />In a pool of dead wishes<br />Should of, watched<br />Her decay.<br /><br />Want to speak now<br />that what she taught<br />Want her to know, that now<br /> his growth is like a weed<br />But no time now, no time now<br /><br />Tounges and plee’s<br />‘oh, Mother Mary Mercy take me home’<br />No home now, stolen beneath her feet<br />No lies now,<br />Can’t take her there now, no not me<br /><br />Running, grabbing the superstition<br />Oh partial religion<br />Black beads staining her hand<br />Tongues of words that I can’t withstand<br /><br />Knowing her pool is empty, as she<br />Takes my hand<br />Oh crystalline eyes, <br />Oh Mary, Oh Ruth this will be our last<br />conversation that only we will know<br /><br />Oh Blessed,<br /><br /><br /><br />art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb-<br />Holy Mary Mother of God, pray at the hour of our death. Amen.<br /><br /><br />Mother Mary Mercy<br /><br />I am standing outside, dreary hospital gates<br />Before me<br />Smooth granite, Entrance<br />Besides manicured grass. <br /><br />Inside Lobby,<br />Mother Mary worships<br />In a fountain of dead wishes<br />(Oh Mercy) <br /><br /> Grandmother’s<br />Wheels of steel grind laminated tile<br />Her crystalline eyes peer though, stifling air<br />Paper cloth surrounds, defeated<br />Weathered hands, bruised<br />Touching<br />My Protruding stomach,<br />Her linage, inside.<br /><br />Sly, smile, awkward glance<br />Before murderous rage<br />Ninety five pounds, goes lunging,<br />At Mercy, in pink scrubs<br />(Oh Mother Mary.)<br /><br />I lay on<br />White table<br />Crowded by voices<br />Feeling needles prodded into<br />Tenderized tissue<br /><br />I hear his cries<br />My arms, empty<br />(Apparently I am)<br />Floating in a convoluted hemisphere<br />Having conversations with Mary<br />Over death, <br />“Oh blessed Mother”<br />Lights appear, in dilated pupils<br /> arms filled with soft flesh<br />(Oh Sweet,<br />Mercy)<br /><br />Delicate finger wrapped<br />Around aged perspective<br />Words spoken, between them<br />only known by deaf ears<br /><br />She leans down,<br />On pink candles, on yellow cake<br />Smoke fills florescent room with strain breath, <br />As my tears drain<br />Though her muddy cob webs <br />Oh how Mary, is collecting<br />Her daughter’s years.<br /><br />My Knees are flushed with red stains<br />Hands clasp, around white rosary beads<br />That she gave me, only her<br />As oxygen mask is clamped<br />Around his small face<br />(Oh sweet mercy, let him breath)<br /><br />At her bedside<br />Sinking into he r pool of dead wishes<br />Should of, watched<br />Her decay.<br /><br />Want to speak now<br />that what she taught<br />Want her to know, that now<br />his growth is like <br />weed<br />But no time now, no time now<br /><br />Her Tounges and plee’s<br />‘oh, Mother Mary Mercy take me home’<br />No home now, stolen beneath her feet<br />No lies now,<br />Can’t take her there now, no not me<br /><br />Running, grabbing the superstition<br />Oh My partial religion<br />Black beads are staining her hand<br />Tongues of words that I can’t withstand<br /><br />Knowing her pool is empty, as she<br />Takes my hand<br /><br />Oh crystalline eyes, <br />(Oh Mary), Oh Ruth this will be our last<br />Hello<br /><br />(Oh Blessed,<br />art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb-<br />Holy Mary Mother of God, pray at the hour of our death. Amen.)Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-54745483900430250352010-02-21T15:31:00.000-05:002010-02-21T15:32:34.234-05:00poem 2- darlin/darling<span style="font-weight:bold;">Darlin</span><br />These are my principles, darling<br />It’s the righteous truth.<br />Let me show you the way, darlin<br />I’ll open up my heart to you,<br />And in the light, darlin<br />I’ll lead you to the only way<br />So you too darlin, can be saved.<br /> <br />What did you say?<br /> <br />Oh no, Darlin<br />You can’t be gay,<br />Theres no place in heaven for you<br />Why? Well darlin, it’s just God’s way<br />See, the old good book says<br />No man, nor woman shall Lay<br /> <br />Maybe, Darlin<br />You can open up your heart, and change your evil ways<br />Stand up here darlin, and let me show you light<br />I’ll give you the key’s<br /> <br />Why did you say?<br /> <br />Oh no, Darlin<br />Rape you say, <br />Abortion you say,<br /> twelve years old you say<br />There’s no place in heaven for you<br />Why, well darlin<br />You must of wanted that man on top of you<br />You must of really wanted it that way<br /> <br />God says there’s no place for sinner’s <br />No forgiveness for giving up his children<br />I am sorry darlin, it’s just his way<br />Sorry darling, Your going to burn in hell some day<br /> <br /> <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"> Darling</span><br /> Are you askin, how you can be saved? Darling<br />All you have to do is<br />Listen, and I’ll tell you<br />God in heaven’s Almighty truth<br /> <br />Trust in Jesus<br />And he and the o’mighty creator<br />Will show you too the way, to be saved<br />Oh Honey<br /> <br /> What did you say?<br /> <br />Oh no, sweetie<br />God almighty, can’t and won’t accept the gays-<br /> <br />Well darling, it’s just god’s way<br />See, the ol’d good book says<br />No man, nor woman shall Lay<br /> <br /> What did you say?<br /> <br />Oh Christ no, heaven without hell<br />And Jesus would not be the sav-er<br />There would never be any <br />Forgiveness to our sins, Sweetie<br /> <br />If everyone went around<br />Think that way<br />About abortions<br />No honey, don’t ever tell me<br />You might believe, think that way<br />Oh hell no, Sugar<br /> <br />What?<br /> <br />Abortion<br />Baby, is never right<br />Jesus, darling, jesus would<br />Want his child to live<br />Even in heaven forbid<br />In cases of rape-darlin<br /> <br />God says<br />There’s no place for sinner’s<br />And<br />No forgiveness for giving up any of his children <br /> <br />Sweetie<br />That girl must of wanted it that way<br />She must have been<br />Smellin of sex that day<br />Wearin a short short skirt, you know how<br />They just spread those legs,<br />Sugar<br /><br />Now Darling, I see you want to walk away<br />But if you see into god’s Almlighty<br />You will see to the right way<br />And I know Darling, that you need to be SavedCarriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-40273272721735441252010-02-20T16:43:00.001-05:002010-02-20T16:44:32.433-05:00poems 1here's a few poems I wrote for my poetry class. The original and then revised.<br /><br />My dance with Princess P<br /> <br />Perfectly polished precious, posed photographs<br />Slightly sardonic, sunny smiles.<br /> <br />Elegantly excuse<br />My modestly, malicious <br />Obvious obsession <br /> About-your<br />Normality. <br /> <br />Perhaps purple Pleather penal panties?<br />Devilishly distinguished, ‘deep’ dildo’s<br /> <br /> Would-clear<br />This tepidly, tired<br />Individually inverted <br />Conscious.<br /> <br /> <br />Perfect Mrs. P<br /> <br />Perfectly polished precious, posed photographs<br />Slightly syrupy, sunny smiles.<br /> <br /> Elegantly excuse-<br /> <br /> My modestly, malicious <br /> Obvious obsession <br /> About-your<br /> Normality. <br /> <br />Perhaps purple pleather penal panties?<br />Devilishly distinguished, ‘deep’ dildos<br /> <br /> Would-clear<br /> This tepidly, tired<br /> Individually inverted <br /> Perception.Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-15878845293979998022010-02-16T19:06:00.001-05:002010-02-16T19:08:14.620-05:00them applesi really dont have a lot to say these days, just in the mix of going to school, and i will spare the world banter about clinical chemistry...<br />so life is pretty undramatic and quiet, maybe one day my little fingers will want to typleCarriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-27521874718911814722010-02-01T22:23:00.002-05:002010-02-01T22:26:32.101-05:00on breaki am on break from school. My last semester was hard, I say if I didn't have a life outside school, then I would be a 4.0 student, but I do have a life, and I am basically in pre-med, so a 3.5 is quite alright for me.<br /><br />I am on a super organizing spree.<br />or a super domestic spree, this will last as long as I can keep up with it. I am trying to force myself into ocd cleaning....<br /><br />My health insurance sucks, and I have one choice for one therapist, who I never can get a hold on by phone. did join a message board, to deal with some of my issues.<br /><br />thats about itCarriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-87878788044985042402010-01-11T07:15:00.004-05:002010-01-11T07:25:32.163-05:00i'm an adultat 28, this shouldn't be a new idea. I am no longer completely free to make decisions just because I want to make them. I have other people that I am responsible for- my choices affect/effect their worlds.<br /><br />in the sate of growing up, I have drifted from others who use to overlap my road- I have lost good and bad friendships, I have grown apart from people in my current friend list- it's not that I think any of them are bad people, it's just that I am different. <br /><br />will i be the old cat lady? most likely! i don't invest a lot of time in friendships, I have school, kid, husband marriage- in my limited free time I try to social network, but i much rather be reading a book or finishing my scary lady painting..<br /><br />on new fronts I will be starting therapy soon, hopefully the one therapist on my insurance list accepts me as a client, and i can work on some of my issues-i haven't been in therapy for eleven years...Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-13198305891115969372010-01-09T21:39:00.000-05:002010-01-09T21:40:03.953-05:00feelinout of touchCarriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-62478130312028828832010-01-06T12:52:00.000-05:002010-01-06T12:53:08.875-05:00happy 2010seriously have no time to write, but that's life!Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-88925589384664422732009-12-14T10:15:00.001-05:002009-12-14T10:15:53.746-05:00happydecember, don't have much time to write these days, school is kickin my buttCarriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4274170058567646046.post-33293287312393021012009-11-29T14:43:00.002-05:002009-11-29T14:45:11.903-05:00i'm a skinny b*tch so hate mei made my total weight loss goal, it took three years, but yes I lost all those 75 pounds i put on my body when pregnant..<br />so i am a skinny bitch so hate me..Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04439234525515850597noreply@blogger.com0