just me..

back to school and shit

2010-09-14T11:11:00.001-05:00

yes, i started yet another blog on another site-let me know if you want it, its just my humor prose..
i am back to school, and have no time 3 days of school 2 days of clinical
and right now my hands are purple from gram staining..

and

2010-08-23T10:01:00.000-05:00

my soul is really angry..

i'm a bitch

2010-08-17T20:39:00.001-05:00

seriously i am, this has come to my attention. I just dont like the world.
again, excuse me, i am getting readjusted to medication or physical absence from it.
it's better to be a hobbit.

medicated and french fried...

2010-07-23T13:40:00.003-05:00

realized today, that if I miss a dose of my medication, I become bizarre, and tend to hate, or loath most of humanity.
because of this I am officially 'french fried', meaning that I am a pill popping american, who can't stand society unless I take my happy little pills..
I get to meet with my head doctor, she will most likely up my dose, because I am still anxiety ridden, especially before bed- it takes me for ever to fall asleep, and again here I am popping natural herbs to fall asleep, now staying asleep for a whole night, is something I am trying to work on.
sometimes i wish things were legal here in Ohio, and if I consume it I won't lose my placement in my program..

i'm done

2010-07-21T12:32:00.002-05:00

after therapy yesterday, I realize I been holding onto friendship's that are not healthy for me. I realize I have grown, or have different values, then those who I may of been close to in the pass. I use to say, I will always be there, but this time is my time to say no.
sorry for my parting, but it's my turn to walk away..

its hot...and

2010-06-14T19:10:00.002-05:00

its hot and i am stressed, dont know where life is going to take me next...
should i stay in school, or find a job, and what job will, and can i find. oh i just want some peace of mine. been smoking to much, and stomach in knots, can't concentrate on shit, dont know where to go, or where to......
be

things

2010-05-21T04:42:00.001-05:00

things are well on the fence line. This term of school has been difficult, I thought I was going ok. But I have an incomplete in my chemistry class. She needs to see me improve my competency in lab. did I say I was a nervous reck? a non focusing zombie?

5 mins, and things about me

2010-05-14T05:10:00.003-05:00

i love cats
dogs are pretty nifty but take lots of energy
i been to Nepal
witness child prostitution in Thailand
I have experience total silence
I miss bacon
I dont like drawling blood and i have a hard time finding veins
I want to go back to bed
I have depression
I am forgetful
i would only harm a person if they harmed my child
i grew up with guns
i still fish even though I dont eat them
i want to live in yurt
my favorite comfort food is spaghetti and salad
i eat salad for breakfast
i hate mushrooms
i am lonely even when i am surrounded by people
i jump on the bed
i like children better then most adults
i am trying to teach my son to make friends everywhere
i dont have this skill
i look like a hippie but haven't smoked any pot in forever
but it should be legalized

the end

storms

2010-05-07T20:29:00.003-05:00

storms
make me restless, I imagine myself being carried by the breeze
there this silence before they hit, the word turns empty
in these times
I want to run, float, travel to the wide ocean
forgetting the list of
unread books, and crumbs on the floor
and the taste of death that is becoming burn upon my lips
-------------------------------------------------------------

...

2010-05-06T15:51:00.002-05:00

i hate the car shopping carts, its like a shiny present to be unwrapped by a little boy, but after 15 mins, they lose there luster, or perhaphs they are cramped little cages...at first there is a shiny piece of cheese in a form of a horn, but its really just an illusion..

they are hard to push, but then the grocery store is a highway, you have to push through the lanes, as all the shiny cans dance before you..they always put candy by the juice, little hands saying I want, get me some..

the little man, said 'i look like a piece of shit' yesterday,..but i wonder where he heard that phrase at...i mean I would know where, shit, fuck, douche bag, would come from, but we dont use direct insults in our household, i do say curse words, but not direct sayings...

i dont understand the need to be fertile after having one child, the pressure to have another, or i dont understand fertility drugs, if the great being has blessed you with a child, maybe perhaphs you dont really need another one, and if you have an opening in your heart there is adoption, and do it in america, you dont need a brand new baby, there are a lot of children who just need love..

children flock to me, perhaps its because I am an active parent.. i give my child space, to meet new children and play on his own terms, and if the park is empty i will play..i usually bring a book, and watch, I am not a car sitter

blood

2010-05-06T08:47:00.001-05:00

I having issues with, well I think sometimes medical technology is to good. I think that in somecases we are kept to long, and death should just come. I hate to see folks suffer...just let them be...

i suck at taking blood, ok so I shouldnt be perfect, I stuck 4 people in my life so far, that's not a lot...I am newbie, i just need to be cofident, that i am going to suck a part of you away...

and...

2010-05-05T18:52:00.003-05:00

I love how the wind carries the smell of honey suckle through the air, though honey suckle kills local fauna, it's still beautiful...

eh, i go in my assessment for medication, in a couple of weeks, I don't know how I feel about taking meds, for my issues..right now i am just diagnosed as having a mood disorder, that's pretty general dont you think...

my cat died on sunday morning, bella kitty was the family cat, for the last two months that cat has not left my side at night, he allowed ezra to hug on him, he sat on charles lap, he was big fat, and I think he knew it was coming, I don't know how Bella was when i got him, all I known he was a grown cat, and I had him for six years, and I really miss him, ezra went looking for b-e a lla today, and I about lost it again. I miss my cuddle bear...

i am sticking people for blood at mercy hospital, i hate the childrens ward, where they but kids with behavioral issues, i just dont see how some of these kids are so bad that they are locked up...

healthy start

2010-04-19T13:13:00.002-05:00

i have my second therapy appointment, and even though right now I feel fucked up afterwords, I am at least trying to deal with my life, and mental issues..
I am also on day 5- of quitting smoking, I can't ever say I won't smoke again, but I am trying cold turkey, and my ultimate goal is never to buy my own smokes, so if i have a drink and smoke i am not going to be mad at myself, i just can never have my own supply and since i live in a household of non smoking, and turn down smokes at school today, i am feeling pretty ok for myself...

whats up with me

2010-04-16T19:08:00.001-05:00

a lot, but very little. I know I should start blogging. But emm, i don't know- I got done with another quarter, got straight b's, not bad..it's hard shit. I started seeing a therapist, am on my millionth attempt to quit smoking, i am trying to be social..la thats about it...

april poem

2010-04-16T19:07:00.000-05:00

Owe you, what?
Every bottle picked
dish washed
cloth hanged
floor swept

In your name

Every block picked
vomit soaked
ass wiped
child bore

In your name

Every insult
lie
criticism
tear

witnessed, in your name

Every scream
push
hesitance
look

In your name

Every smile
laugh
breath
dance
kiss
bed
touch
caress

Owe you, what? Dear Husband
Did you fail to notice?
All the bottles, I picked up
Papers now thrown
To trash.
All your clothes hung
all the floor swept?

They were all in your name
My lord

I also picked up all his blocks
Soaked up the vomit
Spewed
And wiped his ass

Let’s not forget he has your name
Not mine
Sweet lord

And please let’s not forget
All the tears drained
Every insult, you’ve given
Lie I’ve taken

Just for you
Sweet Lord

Owe you, what? Dear Husband (second ending)
Did you fail to notice?
All the bottles, I picked up
Papers now thrown
To trash.
All your clothes hung
all the floor swept?

They were all in your name
My lord

I also picked up all his blocks
Soaked up the vomit
Spewed
And wiped his ass

Let’s not forget he has your name
Not mine
Sweet lord

And please let’s not forget
All the tears drained
Every insult, you’ve given
Lie I’ve taken

Just for you
Sweet Lord
My one and only
(but then again,
There will be another smile
Laugh
And a long breath
Between a dance
And a kiss, a caress
Oh ‘sweet lord’)

Poem 3-for march

2010-03-25T06:47:00.001-05:00

eventually I will write about my life, but whatever, enjoy my very personal poems, again orginal and revised, if anyone actually reads my blog, tell me which one is better

Mother Mary Mercy

Smooth granite
Entrance, manicured grass.
Lobby,
Mary worshiping
In a pool of dead wishes
Oh Mercy,

Wheels of steel hitting laminated tile
Crystalline eyes peering though, air
Paper cloth surrounds,
Weathered hands, bruised
Touching
Protruding stomach,
Her linage, inside.

Sly, smile, awkward glance
Before murderous rage
Ninety five pounds lunging,
At Mercy.
Oh Mother Mary.

White table
Crowded by voices
Feeling needles in
Tenderized tissue

Infant cries, arms empty
Floating in a convoluted hemisphere
Having conversations with Mary
Over death, Oh blessed Mother
Lights appear, arms filled with soft flesh
Oh Sweet,
Mercy

Delicate finger wrapped
Around aged perspective
Words spoken, only known by deaf ears

Pink candles, on yellow cake
Smoke fills with breath, as tears drain
Though muddy cob webs
Oh how Mary, is counting out
Her daughter’s years.

Knees flushed with red stains
Hands clasp, clutching white rosary beads
As oxygen mask is clamped
On small face
Oh sweet mercy, let him breath

at bedside
In a pool of dead wishes
Should of, watched
Her decay.

Want to speak now
that what she taught
Want her to know, that now
his growth is like a weed
But no time now, no time now

Tounges and plee’s
‘oh, Mother Mary Mercy take me home’
No home now, stolen beneath her feet
No lies now,
Can’t take her there now, no not me

Running, grabbing the superstition
Oh partial religion
Black beads staining her hand
Tongues of words that I can’t withstand

Knowing her pool is empty, as she
Takes my hand
Oh crystalline eyes,
Oh Mary, Oh Ruth this will be our last
conversation that only we will know

Oh Blessed,

art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb-
Holy Mary Mother of God, pray at the hour of our death. Amen.

Mother Mary Mercy

I am standing outside, dreary hospital gates
Before me
Smooth granite, Entrance
Besides manicured grass.

Inside Lobby,
Mother Mary worships
In a fountain of dead wishes
(Oh Mercy)

Grandmother’s
Wheels of steel grind laminated tile
Her crystalline eyes peer though, stifling air
Paper cloth surrounds, defeated
Weathered hands, bruised
Touching
My Protruding stomach,
Her linage, inside.

Sly, smile, awkward glance
Before murderous rage
Ninety five pounds, goes lunging,
At Mercy, in pink scrubs
(Oh Mother Mary.)

I lay on
White table
Crowded by voices
Feeling needles prodded into
Tenderized tissue

I hear his cries
My arms, empty
(Apparently I am)
Floating in a convoluted hemisphere
Having conversations with Mary
Over death,
“Oh blessed Mother”
Lights appear, in dilated pupils
arms filled with soft flesh
(Oh Sweet,
Mercy)

Delicate finger wrapped
Around aged perspective
Words spoken, between them
only known by deaf ears

She leans down,
On pink candles, on yellow cake
Smoke fills florescent room with strain breath,
As my tears drain
Though her muddy cob webs
Oh how Mary, is collecting
Her daughter’s years.

My Knees are flushed with red stains
Hands clasp, around white rosary beads
That she gave me, only her
As oxygen mask is clamped
Around his small face
(Oh sweet mercy, let him breath)

At her bedside
Sinking into he r pool of dead wishes
Should of, watched
Her decay.

Want to speak now
that what she taught
Want her to know, that now
his growth is like
weed
But no time now, no time now

Her Tounges and plee’s
‘oh, Mother Mary Mercy take me home’
No home now, stolen beneath her feet
No lies now,
Can’t take her there now, no not me

Running, grabbing the superstition
Oh My partial religion
Black beads are staining her hand
Tongues of words that I can’t withstand

Knowing her pool is empty, as she
Takes my hand

Oh crystalline eyes,
(Oh Mary), Oh Ruth this will be our last
Hello

(Oh Blessed,
art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb-
Holy Mary Mother of God, pray at the hour of our death. Amen.)

poem 2- darlin/darling

2010-02-21T15:31:00.000-05:00

Darlin
These are my principles, darling
It’s the righteous truth.
Let me show you the way, darlin
I’ll open up my heart to you,
And in the light, darlin
I’ll lead you to the only way
So you too darlin, can be saved.

What did you say?

Oh no, Darlin
You can’t be gay,
Theres no place in heaven for you
Why? Well darlin, it’s just God’s way
See, the old good book says
No man, nor woman shall Lay

Maybe, Darlin
You can open up your heart, and change your evil ways
Stand up here darlin, and let me show you light
I’ll give you the key’s

Why did you say?

Oh no, Darlin
Rape you say,
Abortion you say,
twelve years old you say
There’s no place in heaven for you
Why, well darlin
You must of wanted that man on top of you
You must of really wanted it that way

God says there’s no place for sinner’s
No forgiveness for giving up his children
I am sorry darlin, it’s just his way
Sorry darling, Your going to burn in hell some day

Darling
Are you askin, how you can be saved? Darling
All you have to do is
Listen, and I’ll tell you
God in heaven’s Almighty truth

Trust in Jesus
And he and the o’mighty creator
Will show you too the way, to be saved
Oh Honey

What did you say?

Oh no, sweetie
God almighty, can’t and won’t accept the gays-

Well darling, it’s just god’s way
See, the ol’d good book says
No man, nor woman shall Lay

What did you say?

Oh Christ no, heaven without hell
And Jesus would not be the sav-er
There would never be any
Forgiveness to our sins, Sweetie

If everyone went around
Think that way
About abortions
No honey, don’t ever tell me
You might believe, think that way
Oh hell no, Sugar

What?

Abortion
Baby, is never right
Jesus, darling, jesus would
Want his child to live
Even in heaven forbid
In cases of rape-darlin

God says
There’s no place for sinner’s
And
No forgiveness for giving up any of his children

Sweetie
That girl must of wanted it that way
She must have been
Smellin of sex that day
Wearin a short short skirt, you know how
They just spread those legs,
Sugar

Now Darling, I see you want to walk away
But if you see into god’s Almlighty
You will see to the right way
And I know Darling, that you need to be Saved

poems 1

2010-02-20T16:43:00.001-05:00

here's a few poems I wrote for my poetry class. The original and then revised.

My dance with Princess P

Perfectly polished precious, posed photographs
Slightly sardonic, sunny smiles.

Elegantly excuse
My modestly, malicious
Obvious obsession
About-your
Normality.

Perhaps purple Pleather penal panties?
Devilishly distinguished, ‘deep’ dildo’s

Would-clear
This tepidly, tired
Individually inverted
Conscious.

Perfect Mrs. P

Perfectly polished precious, posed photographs
Slightly syrupy, sunny smiles.

Elegantly excuse-

My modestly, malicious
Obvious obsession
About-your
Normality.

Perhaps purple pleather penal panties?
Devilishly distinguished, ‘deep’ dildos

Would-clear
This tepidly, tired
Individually inverted
Perception.

them apples

2010-02-16T19:06:00.001-05:00

i really dont have a lot to say these days, just in the mix of going to school, and i will spare the world banter about clinical chemistry...
so life is pretty undramatic and quiet, maybe one day my little fingers will want to typle

on break

2010-02-01T22:23:00.002-05:00

i am on break from school. My last semester was hard, I say if I didn't have a life outside school, then I would be a 4.0 student, but I do have a life, and I am basically in pre-med, so a 3.5 is quite alright for me.

I am on a super organizing spree.
or a super domestic spree, this will last as long as I can keep up with it. I am trying to force myself into ocd cleaning....

My health insurance sucks, and I have one choice for one therapist, who I never can get a hold on by phone. did join a message board, to deal with some of my issues.

thats about it

i'm an adult

2010-01-11T07:15:00.004-05:00

at 28, this shouldn't be a new idea. I am no longer completely free to make decisions just because I want to make them. I have other people that I am responsible for- my choices affect/effect their worlds.

in the sate of growing up, I have drifted from others who use to overlap my road- I have lost good and bad friendships, I have grown apart from people in my current friend list- it's not that I think any of them are bad people, it's just that I am different.

will i be the old cat lady? most likely! i don't invest a lot of time in friendships, I have school, kid, husband marriage- in my limited free time I try to social network, but i much rather be reading a book or finishing my scary lady painting..

on new fronts I will be starting therapy soon, hopefully the one therapist on my insurance list accepts me as a client, and i can work on some of my issues-i haven't been in therapy for eleven years...

feelin

2010-01-09T21:39:00.000-05:00

out of touch

happy 2010

2010-01-06T12:52:00.000-05:00

seriously have no time to write, but that's life!

happy

2009-12-14T10:15:00.001-05:00

december, don't have much time to write these days, school is kickin my butt

i'm a skinny b*tch so hate me

2009-11-29T14:43:00.002-05:00

i made my total weight loss goal, it took three years, but yes I lost all those 75 pounds i put on my body when pregnant..
so i am a skinny bitch so hate me..

thanksgiving post

2009-11-28T18:18:00.002-05:00

a little late, but that's my style. here's a list of things I am not thankful for, must remember that the holiday is based on lies, and a celebration of genocide. Then to turn it on the lighter side, things I am thanful for. This list is not in any particular order.

Thinks I am not thankful for

1: Texters, I hate people who spend time texting other people. It's annoying. I want to smack them in face when I am in class and they are texting though the whole lecture. I hate when your with a friend and trying to have a conversation with them, and they spend the whole night texting to other people. I especially hate when someone is texting while driving, and I really really hate when two people are two seats apart and they aren't talking to each other but texting back and forth!

2: people who use there car horn to much
3: cell phones and driving, get of the phone and fucking drive.
4: people who are racist, and they won't admit it
5: classism in this country, and the stigma associated with welfare
6: lack of health insurance for all
7: greed
8: money, lack of, tied into classim
9: when your butt itches in public
10: people who don't have the balls to tell you they don't like you
11: baby showers, ackward social situations, and family reunions
12: being sober at a wedding
13: conversations
14: people who won't admit that there drug use effects there children
15: running out of q-tips
16: lack of products made in america

things i am greatfull for
1: my son, and all the wonderful and unwonderful moments we have with each other
2: my husband, parents, and few good friends
3: coffee, rice, vegetables
4: lakes. nature, and places where people have not destroyed
5: hot water, bathtubs
6: blankets and heat
7: enough food to eat
8: not getting in the face by acid by a man who i don't want to marry
9: freedom to purse my own religious thoughts

just some things

2009-11-24T13:14:00.002-05:00

It's been a crazy month. I can't believe it's the holiday season, already. I am still adjusting to my new school schedule and the pile of work that I have under my finger tips.

My first event was a concert. I somehow scored a free ticket to Phish- My thoughts of that night. I wish I had any amount of disposable income. Who am I? Who was I? Who am I now! wow, I have a contact buzz. Lost souls in the sea of faces. Dance, bitch dance. God I hate texters.

first poem for

2009-11-24T13:13:00.002-05:00

first poem for my fun class this quarter, creative writing with a focus in poetry.

My dance with Princess P

Perfectly polished precious, posed photographs
Slightly sardonic, sunny smiles.

Elegantly excuse
My modestly, malicious
Obvious obsession
About-your
Normality.

Perhaps purple Pleather penal panties?
Devilishly distinguished, ‘deep’ dildo’s

Would-clear
This tepidly, tired
Individually inverted
Conscious.

painting

2009-11-16T13:14:00.001-05:00

life is...so i am going to pick up the paint brush, and paint

feeling

2009-11-01T17:42:00.000-05:00

like i am slipping into a depressive funk today, hopfully i can pull out of it.

not one for posed moments

2009-10-31T19:10:00.003-05:00

Its been a busy weekend, just got in from ticker treating.. I realized, that I am not one for posed moments, If I want to look back on the pages of my life I want to remember how things really have been, not a framed perfect photograph. My life is not perfect, there are moments of joy and sorrow, and then daily living in between. it's my goal to make every day have a moment of just being. It's just me, I am not framed, nor should the people in my life be framed. I want to remember my little one sticking is hand in a basket to get one more piece, or the smile on his face. I want to remember how my husbands eyes sparkle.

excited

2009-10-26T12:01:00.002-05:00

about my creative writting poetry class for next term. I also enjoy the professor I had, so this will be good. Yes the poetry class will allow me to escape from urine and blood! Urine and blood will allow me to feed my family in the future, where poetry will not. I enjoy the poetry, and with urine abd blood I will be helping people but still not total frying my morals for a job. I have sadly realize, that if I get a tiny bit of enjoyment out of my work that is good enough, and that a part of working is just for the paycheck. I once was idealistic and thought my art, my writting would, make money, or i would be great and famous, or i would make great change in democracy, ahh that was just a dream..

the itch

2009-10-26T06:47:00.002-05:00

every time i get the baby itch, i decided to go steal another kid for a day to see how it might be like. yesterday i did this, and took my friends son who is 4 and ezra to the zoo. it was there Halloween fest, the last day, and it was warm, so everyone and there mama was there.. did i say i hate crowds? the day went alright, except for the half and hour where ezra would not stop crying.. juggling two little hands, and one (my child) who doesn't listen really well to there mama always..was difficult, there were sweet moments of holding hands and hugs, but then there was screaming and kicking legs (my child) after the free ice cream cups at the treat station, they were both little angels (of course i ran them around the jungle trails) and we went to the rice house, where i thought they would kick me out for there hilarious laughter...
this was not my first trip with multiple children this weekend, I took my brother in law (who i feel more like aunt to since he's going on 12) and my nephew who's 5, and ezra to a carnival..the were all well behaved, but the conlusion there was multiple kids are very expensive.. they all had to play the games, where for ezra the total sum would be 2 dollars, this added up to be about 6-8 dollars, each ride the train and go into the very unscary haunted barn

ok

2009-10-23T19:47:00.001-05:00

charles got another grant, for being a poor person, and whoo another loan! so no selling a whole lot of plasma multiple times a day till we die...

feeling

2009-10-17T07:14:00.002-05:00

fucked, apparently one of charles grants was declined or canceled, hoping, actually praying that this is some technical error, if not we need to find two grand, real quick like..maybe i should become a escort, nah i am not that pretty and my boobs are not big, gambling? karma should owe me one, i am a good person@

spent the weekend

2009-10-13T06:53:00.002-05:00

I spent the weekend in nature visiting with my girl scout leader at her home out in the wildness down in the hills and valleys of Rockcastle county. Everything was so quiet, though you could still hear the highway though the trees. She is unfortunately struggling with cancer, I would say dying, but she is still vibrant and kicking cancer's ass! though it's still sad thinking about death- but i really feel living in the world of nature is making her live longer and stronger-
Though for my self, I woke up coughing from the mold, and now have a body of strange bites and itches

morning consits of

2009-09-28T08:35:00.002-05:00

getting ezra dressed, ezra taking off all his clothes, getting him redressed, he fussing over zippers and buttons for a half hour, finding shoes, taking and taking off socks, and putting socks back on...taking off shoes and putting shoes back on, all at the same time he wants to play with blocks, trucks, trains and also wants to go bye bye...

finding dimes

2009-08-31T20:41:00.002-05:00

There are parts of me that stay on the back burner- There are parts of me I am way to embarrass to talk about, unless I am in the right company with other believers-
one of the back burner subjects, is that I sometimes see things that are not there- usually in twilight, or at night. I will see a man on the side of the road- a child in the street, animals- sometimes it's just my eyes playing tricks, the man i saw was just a barrel, the child a stack of trash- sometimes my eyes are not playing tricks on me, the images fade, or I pass by them and they don't fade- and I am left wondering-
I tend to feel cold for no reason-
There's a big part of me that has block this all out- You know my 'sane' self- So I block, but the block comes off and I start to see again- I been seeing a lot lately- maybe it's the seasons changing- or I am letting my self be more intuitive, and less scared-

but i been picking up dimes like crazy off Ezra's bed room floor- Granted he gets in our change, and likes to carry it around now for gumballs- but today, I picked up all the change, he was following me from room to room, and when I came back there were three dimes lined up with each other-

i'm tired of being the nice girl

2009-08-27T14:54:00.002-05:00

I am tired of playing the role of the nice girl-
Of holding back all my thought and honesty-
I just want to wear a red cape, with a blue letter B-
I want to be that inner bitch that is festering inside-
I want to say fuck you- to all those who pass by-
I want to bite off the heads, snap the necks and spit them out-
I want to go postal-

my patience has ran out- i am tired of rules, regulations, obligations
I am squirrel climbing up a building, getting no where-
I am the fish in a tank, trapped, and tired of looking for hand outs-

but sadly i am still a nice girl, with a capital N- who has a inner bitch that is festering, boiling, inside

The kittnes

2009-08-22T08:37:00.001-05:00

A stray female cat, had a litter of kittens in our side yard- Because my house is already full of male adult cats, I can't adopt them in- We visit them every day, and I am not sure what to do with them, I dont have the heart to call the spca and seperate the mama kitty from the baby kittens, and worry about the mama kitties faith, shes very sweet and lets us pet her kittens and her while she is nursing them-
sighs!

the dreams

2009-08-19T11:06:00.002-05:00

dreams, my dreams are tangled up webs scenes and pictures- They contain future moments, with people from the past- sometimes my dreams play out in the present- sometimes they are future moments imagined by me- some are dealing with issues of closure that I never reached- sometimes i am haunted by them, and sometimes I never want to wake up from them-

i sometimes ponder if other people actually exist? the god complex- I am the big writer of the story- there is of course foreshadowing- events that other people go through that 'affect'effect' my life, but I of course write them with out knowing it-

my thoughts come from I will never feel the way another person will, my sense of knowing them is purely subjective- some of my characters are developed, and other's are just stand ins- The characters might have separate lives, but I am the writer, even if I am not fully consciously aware that I am writing other people 'lives'-
You can tie this idea in to the conscious collective-

Sometimes I wish I could write a life back into my story of the present- and remove them from the past participial- but I try to understand that life has a course-

again another thought of are we predestined? going back to above thought, did we create this life, or write this story before even living it- and perhaps life can be equated to a series of novels-

and we don't really write our lives, but 'god' does, thus we are all god's children, and god is just a big writer in the sky---

of course i dont have the answers to these questions- nor do I have all the answers on why I make all the choices I do- And I don't have the answers on why certain people enter my dream place so often-

The world has gone crazy

2009-08-15T20:20:00.000-05:00

and I have missed the party ship!

the truth hurts

2009-08-12T06:21:00.002-05:00

I wish I could be 100% truthful about everything, but there are time where I will spare someone the truth- The truth of what I am really thinking, or is walking around the corners of my head-
Some of my truth isn't truth at all, they are just feelings...feelings without logic, with out hours of over thought- I am a dweller-
If I have an argument with you, and you said something hurtful, the next small argument we have it's going to bring up what you said last time-

yesterday night i just didn't want to get out of bed- I am usually that actively participating mother, but I went to bed at 8, with to many sorrow thoughts of my mind- One reason is so I can have my morning, early morning with out any interruption. I woke up at 5:30 am, just so I can be with myself.
Another reason I was just simply depressed, perhaphs the hormone imbalance from my monthly cycle, perhaphs because my husband reminded me of our 'terrific' (terrific root word is terror) fight we had last Tuesday, and I was dwelling...perhaphs is because I just lost some hope in everything-

And what sucks I am still sad..some would say i have a neuro imbalance, and need some happy drugs to balance me-
sorry i don't want to become a part of society that is addicted to lets shove some drugs down your throat- don't we have pills for everything? and the 'illegal' ones are just another racket- seriously think what would happen if to this country if the black market suddenly closed...oh so many people would be unemployed...

fuck drugs and the power they have over you- I lived and dealt with addicts my whole life- and i really just want to go is it? is it really that bad? do you have food? family? a place to live? stop being so fucking selfish you fucking bastards- if you don't think your current actions are going to effect your love ones in the future, your fucking stupid-? i mean come one a child will ask herself, like i did, why are they getting high? do they not love me?? love me enough?

i am not perfect i have my own addictions, i've tried drugs- i still drink occasionally, and a little too much when I am not with my child- but being high for me is just not worth it

i wish

2009-08-10T14:09:00.001-05:00

i found chemistry more intresting, I mean polypeptide bonds make me just quiver with excitment...

I take horrible pictures...

2009-08-05T12:51:00.002-05:00

I take horrible pictures, even when I smile, the smile is generic. Only in off moments, will maybe a good picture will emerge..
I don't have a kodac face- There are no lies on my face, I will not pretend to fake smile when I am not happy-
My son takes pictures, all that happiness comes out-

I wish i was that happy-

I would be a liar, if I said I didn't deal with depression issues, I would be a liar if I said if I didn't deal with anxiety issues. I deal with both, and I am trying for myself to move foward to find coping mechinisims-

The truth hurts-

A little about the cats...

2009-08-02T12:12:00.004-05:00

Bella Lagossi- or Belly Kitty

He is the largest of the cats, and the one who has been with me the longest. I found Bella outside of the door when I moved into an apartment on Stanley ave in 2004. I already had Oscar kitty, though I had an open spot in my heart for another Kitty because of the tragic death of Moondust kitty...For a week Bella scratch and meow at the back porch, I assume that my apartment was Bella's previous home, and who ever lived there before left Bella there, or he ran away when they when they were moving and they couldn't find him..or the crazy landlord drop him at the house...
Since I found him on the back porch and lived on the second story, I will assumed he was left there and was meant for me. It took me about a week (yes i feed him the whole time he was outside on the back porch) to let him in.

Bella gained a serious amount of weight after he was snipped. I will NEVER go to that vet again!!

He is now pushing 25 pounds...

He is now our Son's cat because he is docile and will not scratch him no matter what the kid does to him...Ezra likes to try to pick him up, lays on him to cuddle, kisses him, sometimes tries to ride him- hes very gentle with Ezra, and Loves the attention that my son gives him...

Oscar-
Is no longer with us, he left one day and never came back :( he was a sweet cat, but was meant to be an outside cat, and hated to be indoors, he would go outside any time he could sneak out.
I miss him dearly-

Apollo- Was given to me after the 2004 election. One of my fellow employees wanted to keep him after they found him abandon in the gutter. the fellow employee wasn't responsible to keep him, and didn't understand why he was so scared...
Apollo was in pretty bad shape, I have no idea how many months he was on the streets with out a home, and it's possible he was on the feral side. He was quite small, even though the vet said he had his adult teeth, had tons of worms....
He was a scared cat...Bella took the mother role to Apollo and loved him dearly..
Because he fit in, and I have a way with cats, I got him to warm up to me. He is my cat. He sleeps on me, I am the only one who can pick him up to hold him. Hes slowly warming up to Ezra and now comes to him when he has 'num nums' (cat treats)

Sebastion- Is a costly fur ball who got adopted from the pound. He is furry gray and has the most spunk. He has had a lot of urniary problems, and a lot of vet bills, he's on life 7 out of 9, but hes the cat with spunk and I love him.

murphys law

2009-07-31T17:22:00.001-05:00

if something is bound to go wrong, it will...

Bumble Bee

2009-07-31T07:09:00.002-05:00

your wing was bent, so you frantically crawled over our drive way.
Small fingers wanted you, he sat watching you. You crawled up his shirt, into his hair. I like a mother hen picked you off. I was not sure if you were a worker bee, or a male, or already to damaged to sting..Oh bumble bee, we then watch you crawl to a closing morning glory, bent wing. broken pride. Hopefully the morning glory sucked you up, or you found your nest...and hopefully its on the ground..

i think people are full of...

2009-07-29T14:57:00.002-05:00

it..there was this thought provoking post about if people on welfare should be tested for drugs? a lot of people I respect said yes...
I disagree...

for one there is a welfare stigma in this country..it's tied to our notions of race and class, which many folks group togeather..
while you read this ask yourself what is 'your' picture of someone who receives a 'welfare'-

do you see me? a 27 year old white female student- who has a degree, but that degree didn't give her a job that pays more then 13 dollar an hour...or if she wanted to make more money, she would have to work 70 hours during campaign season..so she went back to school...
when she was 24, working 40 hours a week at 12.25 an hour, which is roughly about 1800 a month, which is roughly 21,600- a condom broke, 2 months after she went off the birth control pill because she was having health related problems..
because she is a fatalist- she had the baby-21,00 dollars is fine if your single have little expenses and are young with no significant health problems..21000 for a family of 3 is another story..
when working 40 hours a week at 12.25 an hour, she wasn't offered health insurance,
and she qualified for Medicaid while pregnant- 3 months after she has the baby she lost the insurance because her family was '300' dollars above poverty.
Though he child qualified for it, and is still on it-
after working a full year after having said child, she realized that her not steady 12.25 job wasn't getting her family anywhere- so she went back to school, lost some income, and applied for 'welfare' or food stamps...
even though she qualifies for them, they have lost her application or pay stubs 5 times in the road, she even has stamped time dated documents, and still has to reapply for the 6th time...

am i bad mother? should i settle for that 13 hour job, and be 300 dollars above poverty level, and still have no health insurance...or wait go for 15 dollars with a company that doesnt give health insurance and then my kid won't have health insurance...

am i smoking crack on the street corner having more babies

no, point is, not all people who need help are crack heads, and even if they are, they have children...if they have addiction problems they still need to eat...
rich people have addiction problems, 70% of this country is addicted to the scripts the doctors give them...

if three months ago, i was passed a bowl at a party, or a family event, where my kids are not present, and hit it? would i be a bad person, and if i got help purchasing my food should it be taken away from me?

july

2009-07-28T20:02:00.002-05:00

rattles on like a fish on a hook, the summer has been fair, cool..now turning into sticky blue dark skies and august moons...

on the personal front, my student loans are in the scramble leaving me with constant anxiety..money is tight...it would be nice to be able to purchase something with out the budget constraints...

I quit-

2009-07-19T09:24:00.003-05:00

I quit smoking, I am been smoke free for 3 1/2 days now. No patches, no gum, no nicotine replacement system- just free will, and I do miss it-
smoking was my dirty little secret, that started up again after a dear friend died..stress related mostly, and since i was a previous smoker before quitting because I was having a kid, it was easy to escape back into it-
But I never smoked in front of my kid, or in my house-usually outside of my car, before anyone woke up, or after everyone went to bed- or i got that glorious ten minutes by myself, where I could just go and escape and smoke-again it was my dirty little secret-
I smoke more when I had a adult time- or drinking time, again another no kid allowed time- a pack would last me 4-5 days, so I wasn't a crazy heavy smoker, I just enjoyed the habit-I smoked more around people, or stressed, but yeah never more then 7 a day-
I can't say Ill never smoke again, In adult time at a bar in another state I might bum one, or if someone gives me one, I might take it- and I hope to find the taste and flavor disgusting as the habit is-
But I can stick to my principles and say the industry will no longer be getting any of my money-

..

2009-07-15T13:34:00.002-05:00

Who even reads my trival thoughts of my trivial days-? I am just an ant, in a colony of a million others, trying to make by- My problem is that unline an Ant I am not assigned by birth a specific job to do-

May be cynical-I may be a bit depressed, maybe on some hormal kick-

who know, I just feel like an ant

daily life

2009-07-07T12:40:00.001-05:00

is pretty boring...

its hot and

2009-06-22T17:55:00.001-05:00

I am...

some lyrics, pretty much explains everything

Nightmare Hippie Girl by Beck-

She took me off my guard with disappointment
I got sucked inside of her apartment
She's got dried-up flowers, flaky skin
A beaded necklace and a bottle of gin

She's a nightmare Hippy girl
With her skinny fingers fondling' my world
She's a whimsical, tragical beauty
Self-conscious and a little bit moody

It's a new age letdown in my face
She's so spaced out and there ain't no space
She's got marijuana on the bathroom tile
I'm caught in a vortex
She's changing' my style

She's a nightmare Hippy girl
With her skinny fingers fondling' my world
She's a whimsical, tragical beauty
Uptight and a little bit snooty

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

She's a magical, sparkling' tease
She's a rainbow choking' the breeze
Yo, she's busting' out onto the scene
With nightmare bogus poetry
She's a melted avocado on the shelf
She's the science of herself
She's spazzing out on a cosmic level
And she's meditating with the devil
She's cooking salad for breakfast
She's got tofu the size of Texas
She's a witness to her own glory
She's a never-ending story
She's a frolicking depression
She's a self-inflicted obsession
She's got a thousand lonely husbands
She's playing' footsie in another dimension
She's a goddess milking her time

For all that it's worth

art

2009-06-10T21:43:00.002-05:00

my art is for sale. i uploaded files on my facebook page if you want to look just search under my name and the pictures are public- if you dont know my name you should ask me, i am also going to make an esty shop or something-

its good to be an american

2009-06-06T06:23:00.002-05:00

perhaphs that is a weird statement for me to state
but it comes from a night of rapid nightmares-
even though many of our freedoms can arguably be debated-
but we live in a society with little worry that bombs are going to be dropped over our head-

meaning that my dream was about bombs being dropped over my city while i was at work-school and my child was without me at daycare, and it was not safe to drive in the city but I was determine to go get him, and flee- as guns and toxic debris were everywhere

just think of all the places in the world where this is a daily, monthly occurance-
so i woke up and went to curl up with my child

poems in the morning and by day

2009-06-03T06:15:00.002-05:00

I am going to try to write these blogs for a while in a poetic form
they will come as free verse and what is ever on my mind that morning-afternoon or night-

heroin addictions and empty mother arms
aching for the suns of sons
who will never to return home from
dancing
to deaths march

early morning bird song

time spills like empty rain drops
beating on cracked window panes
broken down shopping carts
metal jagged, glass oblique
suburban finely measured grass

go pick up that stick, boy you will see

the cats drinking up all the porriage
none will be left for baby and me
tobacco lies and there's a haze around my eyes

pollutants they say
plastic bottles, bits of big mac wrappers
stowed into the fire
that will never stop burning as the world keeps turning
----------------------------------------------------------------

even though its a failure of a decent poem, I dedicate it to a friend who's passed on and who's been in my mind lately...

and he brings me my coffee

2009-05-31T08:56:00.002-05:00

summer where the world turns green, the trees sway with an unconscious breeze
and he brings me my coffee
today iced with a little cream
small hands chasing black ants
that i forgot to noticed
as time passes, short speed, long highway
sunday morning poems with no for thought and no plans
and he brought me my coffee
today hot with a bit of whipped cream, sauce and peppermint

Seriously

2009-05-18T13:22:00.003-05:00

My professor changed a date on a test. And now I am in major freak out mode because of it. I have to cram x,y,z info into one test, along with a bunch of other things piled up on me-

secondly I really don't think the world can handle the population growth- after hearing arguments about water on npr from both sides of the fish bucket, it seems like the world just needs to drastically change in some very serious ways-

how do that?

Our economic system, has no growth factor in it. You can bail out all the major companies in the u.s. and it want in the end do a lick of difference-
no jobs no growth, no investment in people no growth- capitalism is flawed!
invest in the people and not the corporations, give people jobs, in industry with environmental regulations, make products, increase need

you need to go back, but is it possible? if we go back to nationalizing our products- would it even be possible?

Here it goes, we longer don't produce a lot of the things that we buy, and even though we are buying less, we still buy-

If you produced these items back in America- it would equal jobs- jobs equal spending- spending equals revenue- revenue equals savings-

You adjust the price to wage- people will save for goods, you could regulate workers rights- you know buy here, buy in america-

but were a global player, i would says 75-90 percent of our goods come from china-
we support there economy- thus when our economy fails so does there-
in the last ten years, our dollars into there economy has allowed for a very finely tuned military-

what does this all mean? in the end were all fucked?
it means more folks in the lines for food, more hording of resources, and so on and so forth, i don't have the answers i just have my theories

Nothing exciting to report

2009-05-13T06:00:00.002-05:00

Is it true you get more boring as you get older? or you realize that being simple is a lot less taxing on the soul?
I am restless, without any money, and can't travel, its digging under my skin-
I seriously need some time away from this space, this city, this current rut. I need to miss my own bed for just a couple days, nothing lavish-

My current projects: starting a painting of starry night for a friend, she wants my version-
doing something black in white, and perhaps drawling- I need to get in touch with my artistic side again, before my mind starts to flutter-

on the kido news-

he's been 100% potty trained before the age of 2 1/2! He does have an occasional accident if he has a nightmare when he sleeps- but that's pretty normal-

I am no longer worried about his verbal skills, he might be a little behind, but other areas of his personality adjust for that- such as he now knows how to use a mouse on the computer, select his own dvds and turn them on, write the letters I and D, and O. Recognizes and sings along with the AbC songs, knows every word to twinkle twinkle, and thumb man-
his favorite phrase 'mama, what's that?' seriously a broken record, but at least he's curious about the world around him.
Were out of the phase of throwing himself on the floor tantrums- but now are into he hits, or slaps a person if they accidentally hurt him, or he accidentally gets mildly hurt- (if it really hurts he wants comfort) don't know what to really do about that one-

thats about it

I'm here

2009-05-07T22:12:00.001-05:00

Just feeling sorta here, my mind is a bit cluttered with sadness, listing to old songs, and remembering old times.
thats about it, keep it on the flip side

some things about me

2009-05-01T22:35:00.001-05:00

I saw this over on another blog (oranginadreams) that I thought might be fun. Just highlight the things you’ve done. Here are mine……

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelos David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

wants to move out of the city

2009-04-25T07:30:00.003-05:00

seriously people go ape shit- it's toxic, and i want to see the damn stars-
I want my kid to play in the yard and not worry-

so we were suppose to go out tonight and have adult time and send our spawn to my mother in law- but-

dipshits next store to her decided that it would be a great idea to burn shit in there back yard, flames that rose over there house, easily catching my mother's in house on fire- and i am now worried about my child's personal safety-
My mother in law is a single mom, who's stuck in a house, on a side of the city that every day is tuning more and more into a very bad ghetto-she bought the house has loans and so on and so forth-

stupid shits

Sunday clothes

2009-04-19T13:28:00.002-05:00

Because the weather is turning I pulled out my summer/spring clothes out of the dungeon of our storage- I looked though them identifying the various personalities I have had over the years, and discovered that I need to rid myself of many of the clothes that were once stables of my identity- They are simply just not me, half of them most likely don't even fit my body anymore- my hips have spread, my breasts never quite return to their perky smaller size- and gravity has started to seep-my stomach well, is extra skin and fat-
I am also pulling close to thirty, those tee-shirts I wore out are to young, to bold, to plain, not the right color- eck- Clothes where I was a different idenity-
I have clothes in that bin from my senior year of high school, clothes that I wore when I was oh seventy pounds heavier and about to bear fruit to a child, clothes that I bought when I felt bloated, emotional- clothes I bought to feel sexy and and attract men- clothes that state my political views that I wore while working on a 2004 election-
I go in cycles where I rid myself of a few items, no longer needing that shirt, those pair of pants- but I feel I totally need to well go shopping, but theres no money- i guess ill just peicing myself togeather this summer and doing a lot of laundry-

Holidays

2009-04-14T15:40:00.002-05:00

Holidays are pretty hard around our home- I am trying my hardest to change the pattern for my son, so he can feel warm about them, and not dread them as I do-
I would say on a revolving schedule on major holidays, my husband and I have pretty devestating fights- they hit hard, and god are they a devastating to my internal system- I don't want to go into great detail about it for all the internet world to see (or those few readers) but I am recovering, you learn things though marriage, and boy isnt easy, but its worth it-

broken

2009-04-13T16:32:00.000-05:00

i feel pretty broken, and all used up
the end

2009-04-12T14:19:00.002-05:00

you had thick black boots, smoking a camel in the the hot blaze of summer. I watch intrigued, my curiosity was poked-
I was dating crazy man, looking for love underneath a rock, and knowing it wasn't there-
we spoke, walked in the sun light of the twilight of June, wasting time away-
I fell in love with your voice first, even before your lips even touch mine-
you had some uncanny excitement towards me, I bought that book just attract your attention, did you know that?
I remember walking with you through target after the election, you just moved into my house- i was uncertain about my future, but i was ok because i was with you-
i felt protected, loved, warm-----

then those moments started to fade- i started to forget- forget your warm excitement, your smile, how your eyes looked at me, my skin next to yours

i just need you to know even though i may not be the girl for you
that i love you

bottom

2009-04-11T15:37:00.001-05:00

the rollar coaster has hit the bottom of its reigns, and i don't know if it will ever get back up, i think the track is broken- and i know longer have the tools to fix it-
i dont know how to get out of the car, or which direction to turn from there-
i want soultions

skinny

2009-04-08T21:28:00.002-05:00

I am officially on a diet- well sort of- I am counting calories, and avoiding temptations-
my temptations- french fries, no not fast food ones, (unless you count in penn station fries) but the big fat steak fries, or crinkle fries that you get at a mom and pa dinner- burrito's...and gooey sugary treats-
I know in all practicallity i should like my body- at least like it-
but i hate it- i hate the mommy crinkley, stomach-
but then you might shoot me if i told you what size i currently am and what i want to be

here and there

2009-04-05T20:51:00.002-05:00

open up, Let the emotion flow-

I am- Lonely, needed adult stimuli from other adult beings, other than my significant other-
I need conversation- that doesn't involve children-
I am lost between the person I once was, am, and want to be-
I feel like I don't know where I am going- I really don't understand where I have been- and sometimes I really don't know what I want-
I am angry-
I foresee the political promised 'change' as a bunch of bullshit, and another war brewing- north korea
I have been thinking of death- what happens after life, and my fear aligned with it- a new fear brought by being a mother-
I am worried about losing my father- my mother's insanity, and the state of my family-
I need to paint-
I spend to much daydreaming on things that will never come-
I am counting calories- I have been stress eating, I feel
like my body is aging, I no longer get carded for anything-
my hair is too long, but i can't part with it-
i need a job, but don't one- i am tired of being poor, tired of living in the city- and tired of my house-
i want to be superwoman

this poem made me cry

2009-04-03T23:47:00.000-05:00

Mother of the Groom by Seamus Heaney

What she remembers
Is his glistening back
In the bath, his small boots
In the ring of boots at her feet.

Hands in her voided lap,
She hears a daughter welcomed.
It’s as if he kicked when lifted
And slipped her soapy hold.

Once soap would ease off
The wedding ring
That’s bedded forever now
In her clapping hand.

the hair cut

2009-03-22T16:04:00.002-05:00

little man got his first hair cut, not done by me today
it was a dreadful experience of scissors all most going in his eyes
screaming the whole time
and i am not so fond of the little ordinary boy look, yes his bangs are still curling up
but the rest of it...blah, i much prefer his little surfer boy look- it fits him
and he looks to much like a little four year old then an two year old-
now i am going to have to face that look when i ask for his free kid meal!

things to think about

2009-03-20T19:50:00.001-05:00

Taken from another blog

Childhood: Then and Now
March 9th, 2009.

When I was a little kid, my parents pushed me out the front door every day.

“Come back when the streetlights come on,” they said.

Oftentimes, my 3 year old brother was sent out with me to tagalong. Of course, I considered this a great imposition. After all, at 5 I was way too old to hang out with babies. Still, I had to take care of him because that’s what older sisters are supposed to do.

Back then, we never dialed phones and set up 2 hour play dates. Instead, we’d simply knock on our friend’s doors and say, “Is so&so allowed to come out and play?”

Of course they were.

When we got a good group together, we’d play baseball or kickball in the street.

Yes, in the street.

When the cars rounded the corner, we’d scurry away as fast as we could. We’d use a whiffle ball instead of a real ball in order to prevent hurting anyone’s car. After that, we’d have a squirt gun war. No one checked the temperature on the Internet to make sure it was warm enough to get wet.

Fortunately, no one got sick or died.

Some days, we’d go exploring in the woods. Our minds full of fantastical stories of bad guys chasing us, we decided we must build a tree house. So we gathered up scrap pieces of old wood, rusty nails pulled out of rotting pieces of equipment, and a hammer someone nicked from their Father’s toolbox. Then we’d nail this crap to a tree. Once the rickety house was complete, we’d climb up in it, careful to hold on to the branches in case the floor gave out beneath us. Then, we’d muse to ourselves that we had not built it high enough.

We built ramps in parking lots and jumped them with every toy we had that sported wheels. Skateboards, bikes, roller skates. We didn’t have helmets or kneepads or elbow pads. It didn’t matter. Sometimes we’d fall and rub the skin completely off of our bodies. Nobody cared.

We’d eat berries and apples from strange trees. We’d ride our bikes 6 miles to the park, alone. And not just any park, either. We went to parks with monkey bars higher than our Dad’s heads and dangled our legs over cement. We sat in puddles full of oil and water and swam in water so dirty it might as well be called sewage. In the summertime, we’d go 6, 7, 8 hours at a time without laying eyes on our parents.

And we survived.

Hell, we didn’t just survive. We flourished.

Not a single one of us was overweight; we all had little muscles popping out here and there. We were brave, too. Little badasses. There was no way a perv was going to kidnap us. In fact, we kept little sticks we had sharpened on the sidewalk in our pockets, just in case. Homemade shanks. Sometimes we got lost or hurt, sure. But we knew the difference between a creepy adult you should steer clear of and a responsible adult you could ask for help.

And not one of us died. Not one.

Unfortunately, things have changed and I’m inclined to believe it’s not for the better. I cannot stand how cowardly, weak, and coddled children have become. Children twice the age I was back when I was running the streets with a 3 year old brother in tow have 1/8th the confidence and capability.

Last week, I went to target with a 10 year old and an 8 year old. We stopped in the toy section for a moment because I remember what it was like to walk the isles and dream. (As opposed to today where children walk the isles and demand shit until they get their every heart’s desire)

I said to the children, “I’m going to go look the bath towels. If you want to stay here and look at the toys, I’ll be back to get you in 10 minutes.”

As a child, I wouldn’t have even acknowledged this was a big deal. It was commonplace for me to split from my parents in department stores. They always looked at boring shit and I had a Christmas list to write.

“No, we’ll just stay with you,” the children nervously tittered.

“You want to look at bath towels?” I asked, “Are you sure? Are you sure you wouldn’t rather stay and look at the toys…or maybe cross the isles and look at the electronics?”

“No, we’ll just stay with you.”

I can’t stand it anymore. Kids aren’t normal! They have no childhood anymore. They just have one never ending, confidence crushing, adventure less, schedule. They have self esteem, (whatever that means) but no actual accomplishments.

So I came up with a plan.

I gave the children $20. “This is for cleaning up the yard,” I said.

Then, we went to the mall. As we stood by the pizza place in the food court, I approached them with a little proposition.

“You guys are free to go spend your money, but I’m not coming with you.”

They blinked their eyes, confused. “Where will you be?”

“I’ll be in the boring stores and I don’t plan to step foot in a single toy store. So if you want to spend that $20, you’re going to have to go it alone.”

The children were torn between the desire to spend the money that was burning a hole in their pocket and their preference to remain in the company of adults at all times. Finally, they hesitated and I knew I had them.

“We got to lay down some ground rules, though, before we split up. The first one is that you stay together no matter what. The second one is you do not leave this mall under any circumstance without me…not even with another adult. The last one is we meet back here at this pizza shop at exactly 3:30pm.”

I paused briefly when I realized that neither one of them was wearing a watch. Then I thought to myself, fuck it.

“If you need to know what time it is, you can ask any clerk working behind the counter of any one of these stores. If you need directions back to this pizza place or to a restroom, you can ask them that, too. I want you to mind your manners, don’t break or steal anything, no fighting, no screaming, no running, and no idiocy. You got that?”

They nodded their heads carefully.

“Alright then, go. Have fun.”

I watched them walk away until they got lost in the crowd. For a moment, I felt completely satisfied. They’re finally learning independence, I told myself.

But that lasted only a moment. Not more than 5 minutes after they walked out of my sight, I found myself choking on my fear.

What if they get lost? Fall down? Get into trouble at one of the stores? What if someone sees them walking alone and calls the police? Ten and seven is plenty old enough to walk around a mall, but people are nuts now. Nuts. And what if they’re right? This is a safe neighborhood. Not a single child has been kidnapped here in my lifetime. Crime is low. No gang violence. This is a safe neighborhood! But still…but still…but still.

I resisted the urge to track them down and tell them I changed my mind. If I had I would have invalidated every bit of courage they had displayed in walking away. So, I let them be.

And at exactly 3:15, I was at the pizza shop waiting for them. If they are even 5 minutes late, I will go looking for them. Get on the intercom or something, I nervously told myself.”

But they weren’t late. At 3:30 on the nose, they showed up, cheeks red with excitement, with a bag of spoils wrapped around their arms. They had an adventure. They had a great time. They walked with a bit of a swagger now. Children of the world; little bad asses.

I knew the answer the second I saw them strutting, but I asked anyway, “Did you have a good time?”

Their answer was enthusiastic.

Of course they had.

Of course they had.

No one died. Instead, they experienced a bit of pure, undiluted, childhood.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

busy

2009-03-16T12:42:00.002-05:00

I have realized I haven't put up anything substantial in my blog for quite sometime.

So here it goes: Three weeks ago my sebastion kitty was in the grips of death's hand. To make a long story short, his urethra was clogged by crystals, and thus he couldn't pee. Meaning that he was filling up with toxins. So I took him to the only vet open in the area on Saturday, then he went to the emergency hospital on Sunday, and now he is about 95% back to his old self. Though he's on lubriciously (cool word huh) expensive diet for the rest of his kitty years, and now I am trying to separate his food from the other cats food. Which is not easy because they are use to eating all out of all the same cat food, and they know something is up when I feed them separately. Bella cat, who is the fattest cat in the land, will eat anything. Even though I been trying to downsize what he eats, he will find the cat food, and open the bag up, for a lazy fat cat he does have some ambition to get the cat food. So the cat food is in the closet, you would think it was safe, nope, he'll some how open the door and jump his fat butt to the highest shelf.

School is busy, and thus why I don't write very often. I am overwhelmed by the full time, mom, and full time student experience. I am deciding on what classes to take coming up, and my chemistry section is only offered at night, not just one night a week but two..sigh

I have realized that little kids already have personalities they are going to follow them into adulthood. There are the dare devils, the social butterflies, the quiet observers. It's interesting.

My little man is having a hard time adjusting to his new big boy bed. He likes to wake up in the middle night (usually because he has to go to bathroom) and then sneak into the bed with us. I am waking up to take him to bathroom, waking up and trying to get him in his own bed, or waking up because there's an elbow in my side. Were slowly breaking him from wanting and then proceeding to sleep with us.

Thus i surrive on little sleep, too much coffee, and so forth

finally

2009-03-10T20:49:00.002-05:00

updated ezra's website, if anyone wants to take a look-

www.ezrahyden.com

the cat

2009-03-04T14:04:00.002-05:00

the cat-
got sick
had crystals blocking his urethra
if we didn't take him to the vet he would died
who took him to two vets
hes still alive

things about me

2009-02-26T12:25:00.002-05:00

I am trying to relax between classes at the moment
I have a realizing that I am getting older and not sure what I make out of it.
I am still friends with people I have known more then ten years. And yes hang out with them.
Apparently when I turned twenty-five I entered into the breeders club.
I am currently working on a new degree- to go along with a more 'prodigious' degree (at least that's what I been told)
My eating habits have become less healthy as of late :(
But I at least I tell myself I exercise more-
I wish I had a better relationship with my mother, or at least could gain a better understanding of her.
The ages of 19-21 are pretty blurry to me- I wasn't a very good girl.
Theres only really one action of stupidity that I am still ashamed of-
I am more traditionally religious then a lot of my friends- though my religion is still a mixture of ology's- I do have rosary and scared heart of Jesus statue in my living room its a relic
I find religious humor especially about Christianity very amusing- some might be offended at what I find funny-

well got to go to class----------fun fun..

rambling

2009-02-23T22:05:00.002-05:00

Motherhood is a part of me- so this blog is about it, if you don't want sap- move on

my little boy has transferred into a big boy bed. This process reminds me that I no longer have a baby. Soon I will no longer visit the baby toddler sections in the store. Even though he likes his special choo cup with a lid, he has been drinking out of regular cups for sometime, with out many spills. Soon his special cup will be phased out, and he rapidly growing into boys clothes. He is 75% potty trained- I will pushing harder for poo always in the potty when its warmer. A part of me is sadden by all of this. (not really the potty training, but the whole baby aspect)
A part of me is excited to see him grow. But I realize there will be a time where I am not needed, that he will no longer want to play blocks or trains, and shows on pbs kids will be boring and out of his age group.
I know I have a few years for that to happen-
I guess the question is will or do I want another child? and is that fesiable.
ever?
We struggle with money, and need more space then we have already. Affording it while we both are going to school is a nay say. When I am out, done with my planning for a better financial freedom. Will I want another child? I was not able to cope with working and two kids. Will I even be able to send the second to daycare even if it partially like the E-man.
Physically I have a time-line if I don't have my second child by the time I am 33-34. I am done, the risks of complications go up, and my energy goes down.
I will be turning 28 this year, that give me what five years to decided, or not to decided- in five years ezra will be seven- do i want to start all over again, really?
I don't know-
a part of me wants another baby to hold, the other part says I have enough-

big boy

2009-02-22T22:24:00.002-05:00

As time goes on, I realize my son is growing. He is not longer a 'baby', but a romping toddler-

Props to Love

2009-02-14T16:58:00.003-05:00

Though today is commercial as hallmark. My lovely husband surprised me with valentine gifts, it was quite a surprise. He knew I wasn't expecting to celebrate, but I enjoyed the thought. Yeah, I know I am loved. Aww so soft and squishy I am.

art and life

2009-02-13T22:47:00.005-05:00

Some of my new photos

blocks

2009-02-11T13:05:00.002-05:00

Life is a bundle of building blocks, if the tower knocks over you rebuild.
Sometimes you have a pieces left over from the original tower, they are good stones to step on as you re-build the tower. Sometimes those stones are not useful, you have to choose wisely which ones you toss aside. Sometimes you just need to let go of those original blocks that are left and build the tower up from scratch.
Life is a bundle of building blocks-

This is what I have learned from my son. He plays with his wooden blocks for hours, sometimes he builds great forts, and towers. Sometimes he lets them stand, other times they fall down and he whimpers, and sometimes he knocks them down. He doesn't always share his blocks. Sometimes he insists you build towers along side him. Sometimes he uses the original blocks to rebuild, other time he carefully chooses which blocks to use. this act of building has become a play on words to me. life is a bundle of building blocks.

I have had odd dreams lately, about destruction of human society. Dreams about people from the past who know longer exist on this physical realm. In some of these dreams I am rebuilding society, I am survivor while everyone is in a paused moment, not able to move, stuck. While I am on the road moving further, I am in cities where I once visited or lived. I also find myself inside the dream dreaming about answers I need. I woke into this stage of reality with a message of 'run'.
The other dream is about a person I lost somewhere in my youth. A period of time where escapism was my rule, and reality was transcendent. In other words I was trying to find myself inside all chaos that I didn't realize that I was causing for myself. I was in a period of enjoying unknown self destruction.

Ill leave it at that, my son has woke up cranky-

the meaning

2009-01-31T22:16:00.002-05:00

The meaning of it all. The great question often ponder, rarely answered. What does it all mean? what is the purpose of life? There's many ways to approach that question.
One of my childhood friends lost there mother a few days ago.
I have few people through out my life who I know I will always be cool with, even after years with out speaking. I will always have trust in my heart for them. Dora is one of those 'cool' people. She's not an every day friend, but someone I can always tell a joke to, or share a memory.
As I grow older I look back more at those happy simple times more and more. I miss those moments, how trees smelled, how air from a cave feels on the tip of your hands. How it was so wonderful to be free with nature with out a care in the world. No bills, no assignments, no worries, not adult responsibilities. Its the space where war, greed, hunger, famine, disasters do not exist. Where you have no weight on your back, and no one has agenda or is judging you.
As I get older that place unfortunately exists less and less. Not to say it's not there, it's just harder to realize I am in that space. Sometimes you have to be outside of it, to realize when your in it.
I am not making much sense now- so Ill leave it.
Here's Karen's Obit-
May you be well-

Obituaries

Karen R RUCKER
(May 22, 1961 - January 28, 2009)

Guest Book | Sign Guest Book

Karen R RUCKER

RUCKER, Karen, age 47 of Darrtown, Ohio, died January 28, 2009 in Hospice of Hamilton. Karen was born on May 22, 1961, in Marion, Ohio the daughter of Floyd and Barbara (Augustus) Patrick.

A devoted wife and mother, she is survived by her husband, Rodney Rucker; three children, Dora Hoffman, Justin Rucker and Mary Rucker; three sisters; a brother; and three grandchildren. She will be fondly remembered for her love of the sun, Indian Lake and her family.

Memorial services will be held Saturday, January 31, 2009 at 11am, in the Darrtown United Methodist Church, 4309 Walnut Street. The family will be receiving guests at their home, 4281 East Street, Darrtown, Ohio after the memorial service.

In lieu of flowers donations may be made in Karen’s honor, to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network at http://www.pancan.org/donate . Zettler Funeral home, serving the family. Online register book available at www.zettlerfuneralhome.com

fester

2009-01-29T13:46:00.002-05:00

I have a wound
fester, bubble, burn
awaken me
twisted ice branches crackle
under weight and heavy sighs
awaken me
than fester-bubble and burn

---------------------
Deep night thought. I have no manual to you my lovely child. You didn't come with an instruction booklet. I have no magic button to make everything alright. You were an act of surprise, not planned, not an complete accident. You came and chose me, and all I can try to give you is something better that what I had. I'll try to keep my depression under wraps, I'll leave if the marriage is sour, I'll stand up for myself. I promise you will never see the things that collapsed my trust as a child. The things that still make me so quiet that I still have one long scream. And even after all the forgiveness and understanding of what it's like to be human. The memory still remands. I'll try to protect you just enough but not to much so you gain independence. I'll try to instill what it's like to respect but still question authority. I'll do all I can.
But I am not perfect, forgive me for that when you start to judge the mistakes that I have made. Forgive me. That's all I can ask. Forgive me when one day the other mothers judge us, for their own insecurities, and my own for feeling judge.
Life is not easy, it's bumpy, the road of having a functioning not completely absent brain is sometimes hazardous. Realize that living the good life is not always easy, not always fair, and hardly anyone follows a written rule.

snow

2009-01-27T22:28:00.002-05:00

Well were getting our first real storm of the winter. I am hoping at some point tomorrow the roads are clear enough so we can get down to the park so I can snap some pictures.
My stomach has been going crazy, not in the good way. I think it's from the lack of me washing my hands every time I wipe snot of my child's nose. Eww I am so gross. Not really after a child up-chucks on you from four inches away, bodily fluids no longer phase you.
I am boring! I know-
I get the lovely choice to take my math final because of the snow today. emm, I would have to get a 99 *it won't happen to get an a, and 84 to get a b. I think I'll just settle for my C The sad part is I could get a high B. No i won't say Ill get an A. It just takes me too long to do word problem. It's not that I don't know how to do it, is that I am anal and I have to make sure I did it write. Again numbers unless it's a written down in word theory don't come easily.

Carrie

2009-01-21T17:14:00.001-05:00

skating on by.. i am not the girl i use to be, the years slip through my fingers like sand hitting glass. time, stands, sits, and moves, pushing me into-
moments

Getting there

2009-01-17T19:33:00.002-05:00

It's just been fairly busy, I am trying to keep up on my college math class, my brain I don't think was meant for numbers. Trying to understand how I can do so well in my other classes with out any real efforts, and but all my effort into math and get shitty results..sighs

its a new year

2009-01-03T20:25:00.002-05:00

I don't make resolutions because I know I wont keep them.
I make lists on things I need to improve about myself.

Here it goes-

Stop being so judgmental- If Psychology is correct, I am still stuck on adolescent development. Meaning that I think people are judging me as much as I judge myself.
I am overly critical about who I am, I think the world is looking at me, pointing at my flaws. I know that this makes me distant to people, hard to get to know. I have realized who wants to share themselves with me, if I don't share myself with them?
Thus I will try to encompass a general open behavior, let down some walls that I have built very high, and get over myself.

Take time out for myself- as a mom of a two year old, I am a chicken with out a head, I multi-task, but I forget little things like, taking time to shave my legs with out a two year old watching, or painting at night=

general physical health one-

call folks, I am very bad at reaching out to talk to someone.

cassady

2008-12-28T22:19:00.003-05:00

Yester year

tangled in the cob webs of yester year
I walked on cobblestones beside canal beds
holding your hand, sweet cassady

you roamed like a buffalo
free and wild
never to be tamed by the kiss of my hand

now you are a mold of memories
a box full of letters
lying inside the northen skies
empty and barely known

familiar notes, and blue jean jackets
brought my youth back to me, sweet cassady
I was once a dandelion unfolding into a jagged rose

now i am torned
aged,
but not withered to the storm
i will look onto winter skies
and smile
sweet cassady

morning poem

2008-12-28T09:36:00.000-05:00

Oranges run like water
Tart, and sticky
Creamy red hues, sprinkle yellow
Taste
Cut peel
Thick oblong layers

Various, Random

2008-12-24T13:05:00.002-05:00

At the moment I am busily copying cds for my dad for his christmas present.
Sadly some of the songs that I download that he wanted were corrupted, so I had to dig into my own music collection-
I have a random file, things that match a mood during a certain day-
From Marylin Manson, to Ray Charles, I have to say that my musical tastes are pretty strange-
At the moment I am listening to 'black velvet- yes the original version.

But to dig into my past, I did a painting in high school based on lyrics of this song. It's a reflection of who I thought I was, or what I thought my life embodied, maybe parts of it still does, maybe it was all just teenage angst getting my brain?

"I Don't Like The Drugs (But The Drugs Like Me)"

Norm life baby "we're white and oh so hetero and our sex is missionary."
Norm life baby "we're quitters and we're sober our confessions will be televised."

You and I are underdosed and we're ready to fall
Raised to be stupid, taught to be nothing at all

I don't like the drugs but the drugs like me
I don't like the drugs, the drugs, the drugs

Norm life baby "our god is white and unforgiving we're piss tested and we're praying."
Norm life baby "I'm just a sample of a soul made to look just like a human being."

Norm life baby "we're rehabbed and we're ready for our 15 minutes of shame."
Norm life baby "we're talkshown and we're poiting just like christians at a suicide."

You and I are underdosed and we're ready to fall
Raised to be stupid, taught to be nothing at all
I don't like the drugs but the drugs like me
I don't like the drugs, the drugs, the drugs

After hearing the songs, it sadly reminds me of a friend of mine who passed away-

it just doesn't stop being funny

2008-12-24T07:54:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFX-dKpcDz8

lot on my plate

2008-12-23T11:28:00.001-05:00

I have a lot on my plate this evening when I finally get out of school-
cds to burn, yikes!
Paintings to make- perhaphs!

Help me the holiday time sucks!

things..

2008-12-18T22:35:00.002-05:00

Things are going, I thought I update- feel like my mind has been driifting in one thousand places at once-
I always feel as I have a thousand things to do on my list, and try to tackle them all, but the results are not as perfect as I want to-
I am trying hard to enjoy math, I always ask why in my brain about rules, with out good enough explanations-
such as if you are squaring a polynomial, why in world do you follow the rules that you do-

I have school up to the day before christmas eve. Not allowing me to really prepare for christmas at all.

Things I Want for Christmas

2008-12-10T18:21:00.002-05:00

Material: Hair cut
Non-Material:

For Obama not to be a figure head to the machine.
For American socialism to turn it's head and go the other way and start with health-care, education-

and the list goes on.

corn

2008-12-10T10:25:00.002-05:00

We now have corn growing in our kitchen-

A: I was getting out something from the top shelf where our popcorn kernels were.
B: Someone did not shut the bag correctly
C: They spilled all over my head and onto the floor
D: Little one took kernels and placed them in my palm tree plant,
E: Earlier in the day's the cat's were eating palm and digging at plants roots, so soil was all airified, and digged up
F: Some amount of time, baby corn appeared.
F 2: Moved pot to better light spot.
G: wondering if the cats will now eat the corn plants as cat grass?

doop

2008-12-08T18:30:00.005-05:00

Just some pictures to show my various parts of my personality.

It's been pretty quiet in my head. Things are going...found out quite recently that I can't take out a private loan for going to school with out a co-signer. Quite frankly the website said unless you have perfect credit, it's a no go. Sigh! Also on another website said we are no longer giving student loans, because of the economic climate of America. Umm what the f-ck was that 700 billion dollars for? It wasn't for me.
So I feel screwed. I could not go to school, re-enter the work force, and Oh not find a job!
Personally I have to lie now on applications about my qualifications, or I am doomed to be to over-qualified.
I know we will get through the madness, I am flying by in my classes, and will be hitting my five terms of co-op (which equates to a year), soon. I know how to kiss ass in the right ways, make my connections to the hospital or doctors office, and be in the medical field. Which is the only field that is not regressing. Only if I could of made this choice, when I was 18. But then I thought my thoughts, actions, and opinions would support me. What the hell did I know?
Nothing! My thoughts, actions and opinions are only segments of me, and can't be counted on to support me, unless I want to sell my soul to a candidate. Was once a possibility, but not with a bouncing two year old boy.
I could, but it's not me, put him in day care for 9# hours a day. But that didn't work so much. If someone going to screw with his brain, it should at least be his parents. That means I don't support women who go to work, and use day-care, those are options in which they decided, and if that works for them, bless them. Ezra does go to day care for about 12-14 hours a week when I am at school. He enjoys it, and loves playing with other kids. I just couldn't deal with the five days a week. The outcome of this decision means scrapping by- It sucks, I have debt that scares me, but life will even out. If it doesn't- well money I have learned does not buy happiness, its a tool that you use.

Let's see- Boring crap-

were still working on Pooping on the Potty. He is totally trained in the peeing department. Goes to the bathroom by himself, but Poop on the other hand is a whole another ball game.

Trains, trains, trains.

Common words spoken : (by two year old)

Why?
want to play-
Can I see?
Hi!
Eh da wa Cndy or I want Candy
Mine, Yeah, and NO

Common words spoken by 27 year old?

Go pee then-
No
Get down!
That is pretty cool-
Is Bush out of office yet?
This is a; That ______ is this ___________
No, we been through this there is no Candy left-
Veggies are better!
Thank-you
lets go play trains now!

its been a while-

2008-11-24T22:29:00.003-05:00

So Ezra's birthday came and went. His party was successful, he got a ton of gifts, people seem to have a good time, the kiddies had fun, everyone left with a full belly-. I am not good with small talk with adults, so I spent most of the time watching how many kids could fit and jump on a twin bed.
I am quite proud at the success of this party, since most things I plan tend to be disorganized. My only breeder mistake was making angel food cake, not so good. But strawberry cake with cherry icing is a delightful mix-

on retrospect, I hate small talk, I think I could go a day and not say many or any words. Is it a quirk, a lack of communication skills, or the fact that I am happy with silence? that's for the psychologist to figure out, and me to ponder on..

perhaps my quiet nature, is why my son is not a word rambler? again another question for a psychologist to answer.

but i do communicate i just rather do it visually even if visually means typing on a screen, you can see it, maybe too much is said with body language or the analysis of what you think someone is saying with their body, oh interpretation.

Christmas is coming soon, my other half is trying to convince me to put up a tree...
I like decorations, but for those who don't know I don't like how Christmas turns into this material sickness, formatted around the christian right.
Please don't feel insulted, I feel that we all should believe in whatever, and if that is baby jesus, go for it. but baby jesus isn't for me, and i don't need to be saved, and yes gays should marry, and on the abortion issue it should be left up to the woman, but never used for birth control-
but i do belive in what the majority of americans call 'god', this again is not a word i associate with the diety and dieities swimming in my head. but there is a creator much more noble then any book, and perhaphs he did have a son, and perhaphs he was jesus, but man was on this planet way before...so the whole jesus born on this day, is jus a story.

I hate parties

2008-11-10T15:57:00.002-05:00

I am not classic breeder. I don't like themes, streamers, or invitations.
Pushing myself to be social, so my wee one, can run with other children is a pain.
Next year I am going to take him to bowling alley and do bumper bowling, and it will be hilarious.
the end.

Permanence

2008-11-05T22:27:00.002-05:00

Permanence I realize is something that I run from, or have run from.
I am now in a state of revolving permanence. My parents will always be my parents, even when they pass, my son will always been my son, and the man I married will always be a man I married.
for a long time I ran from this concept, a permanent being, not settling down, being wild, being independent, having little attachments to friends, even at points my family. A part of this running was anger towards my parents that I couldn't express. I was not mature enough to understand, *and granted there are things i will never get*, nor mature enough to forgive and realize they are just people.
I have started to forgive, I have started to cope.
I still get anxious, anxious there are no clear paths that point to a clear free break to the exit. There is no absolution. Now clear path to freedom, that I now have bonds that would hurt to much for me to ever break.
Sometimes that feeling is crushing, for I long for the taste of the feeling of nothingness, of being no-one, with out responsibilities.
I have lived in that moment, and looked at myself, and my very fragile ties to outside world, and felt absolutely alone, for a moment I cherished it, but loneliness is bitter.
So I apologize to my mother for my wicked Independence, but hope she understands it's just me.
I apologize for my husband for sometimes for my distance, and my anxiety.
being alone sometimes puts fire on the flame.