Up with the Sun

My Mama side-

Little one is up with the sun each morning. I struggle to get out of bed, and do not at all have his level of energy at oh five thirty in the morning. I perhaps should of reconsidered his middle name. Solairs means of the sun. He has been like this since he was born, one of my fondest memories. Is snuggling with him, as we watch the sunrise, a day after he was born.
In other mama news, he's a pretty habitual boy. He has to get a rock before he will even consider sitting in the car. He is also a monkey, leaping to a throw, and riding on my back.

I have more to report, but I need a nap. Maybe I can catch a few zzz's before Ezra is up again for the evening sun.

A funny

From the blog Overherdliners

Brother And Sister Talking About, Um....

Boy: "See, it's gonna be about this tall [holds up hands for description], and this big [pinches fingers together]."
Girl: "Mhmm."
Boy: "Yeah, it's gonna be just like this french fry. Gonna be this tall [holds up hands again] and this big [holds up french fry]."
Girl: "Yep."
*silence*
Girl: "Actually, I have no idea what you're talking about anymore."



Makes me giggle-

My favorite place in the world

This is my favorite place in the world. The town in the mountain. Not the best picture by far, but our scanner is disconnected and I don't feel like pulling out my pictures from Nepal. Because I long to go back. It's my land of imagination, freedom, self discovery and bliss.

My everyday life is going. I have lost track of time, and I remind myself I need to ground myself again. When I am lost, like I am in this moment, I start to float. I take the days as they come, in turn i dismiss the practicalities of every day living. Meaning I procrastinate on what I should be getting done. But tomorrow is a new day, and I will make my calls, book my appointments, and get the shit done. I will turn into the super organized Carrie.

But today I feel rather lonely. I guess it's that I am so far a part from the American culture. I was invited to 'grill out', but decided to just sit. Gas is to high, and I don't fucking eat meat, or like the taste of beer. I am not going to hang my American flag. I am just going to sit. Organize pictures, and think of all the moments pass.
My family is scattered, I have a better relationship with my father then my mother.
My mother tends to bring guilt and sadness to my door. The story is a quilt, thick, cold, hot, damp. I love my mother, I relate to her being, but at the same time, there's a part of her that will never accept a part of me.
I will pass that thought- I have a huge extended family, but they are like weeds in a garden. I will pass on by them, not really remembering how I am related to them. It's so tangled like thistles on a rose bush. My mother's family, I have always been and always will be the black sheep. I am not in the materialistic life. I am scapegoat for them so they can hide away from their imperfections. I know there's a part of longing that my mother feels, I feel a longing too. To have a companion, a sister soul mate. But my own blood sister, is a stranger to me.
So my real family is small.

I accept the lonely condition, I don't like the drama that comes living in to close of relations.
I stray away from my in-laws. I do this because an ex's of mine, parents were more in love with me, then he was. I was the perfect catch in their eyes. So i am shy and distant, and keep my mouth clenched tight, when it comes to my sister in law. She tends to make choices that I don't understand. Choices I would never make, but her life is a different road then my own.
I always feel that they think I am bitchy in my distance. Shrugs

I did digtal scrapbooking

A few of my friends are really into digital scrapping, and I decided to try it out. Here are my first two pages, I hope I don't get hooked. I have already realized, I would love to design. But I have to say, I still rather paint-

Gecko

We got a new pet. A gecko with out a name. I really just wanted another fur ball, but because we shelter animals, we added another addition. This is officially Charles' pet and not mine, a gecko. If you thought one little boy, three fur balls, two fish, one frog was enough for a family- You would be wrong.
I on the other hand fell in love with 'Max' a cat who was up for adoption. I was very sad when I couldn't bring him home. But three fur balls are enough for me, for now :)

Hip the hipsters

I am so not cool! Come get me a rocking chair and some bluegrass, and I would be set for days.
Seriously, I don't get the hipster scene. If you go spend some cash for a show, why don't you shut-the-hell up and enjoy the music? Jesus!

I went out with a friend tonight to a polish-punk-gypsy rock band at the southgate house. a total hipster trap, blah, the band was good, the crowd was shit-

Things that make me sad

garbage man picking up trash, and we were the only family that put a recycling bin out on my block.

the good news, in the huge bookshelf is up in our bedroom, and there is room for more books-
whoo!

Good Karma

That's what I am trying to release back into the universe. Even though I hate phrases like this one, but it's true 'do to others what you would like others to do for you'

Losing my self

Yesterday was pretty busy on the social front, I step out of my hobbit whole and kitty dungeon.

Lessons I learned from the day:

Ezra is my sidekick. He rides in my side car.
I need to stop judging myself so critically. People really do like me, right?
I need to let go of all the voices in my head, and live in the moment.
Final thought is when do we stop being in the moment, when do we start judging our experience?
Is when the id/ego begins? Or is that moment destroyed by our capitalistic culture?

My thought's of today-

John McCain is one really scary motherfucker! (sorry for my curse words)

Just a picture for today

Less

My news source is Npr. I can't handle Tv news, because I feel like throwing shoes at the fluff. Somehow the race between Obhama and Clinton is more important then reporting on the cyclone or earthquake in China.

Tears rushed through my eyes as I listened to a woman's story about trying to find her child in the wreckage of her apartment building. You could hear her screaming as they pulled out her son's lifeless body. Her child was two, not far in age from my child. I felt connected for a second, to this woman, miles way from me. But the story ended, and my every day life trailed on. My tears stopped, and I hugged my carefree son.

I am lucky to have that every day life. I am free in my life. Even though we do struggle economically, we have everything we need, and a way to get our needs. We live on very little, it could be worse. I am not fond of over material.

But my question is would I survive if our way of life suddenly ended? If there wasn't clean water to drink, a toilet to flush, a grocery to shop in? What would I do, would I perish in the aftermath?

Trust me I have spent my whole life thinking about this. I horde food, I also at one time got a itch, and had a whole set of camping equipment, including a back-pack. These items have fallen away, but I stop myself from re-buying them. But trust me I keep a good idea, on where to locate them.
I also stopped myself from purchasing a gun, I am not a fan of them. I have also realized that the bad guy has much bigger guns then I could own.

I have a plan, but need to remember to keep my car with enough gas, or know safe ways to get there. I also fully believe in insight.

Am i a bit crazy, on asking myself how I would survive?

Smack Kitty your in time-out!

My goal is to write every day- so please bare with my ramblings about my mundane life-

So Smack Kitty! your in time out-

For those who do not know, I live with a posse of fur balls. I would like to have a horde of animals, but for financial and spacial reasons, I have limited my fur balls, to three kitty friends.

Fur Ball number one is Bella, the 30+ pound cat, who needs a tread mill. He is sweet in nature, just not very energetic. He is Garfield in disposition, but also slightly depressed. He was not always so obese, he was once full of energy. The vet who did his ball chopping, turn out to be a quack. He damaged his ego, and Bella gained a lot of weight after this incident. I.E. Bella shit himself while be operated upon, a thing that shouldn't of happened if he was properly sedated. But the vet fucked up. Thus please advise do not take your fur ball friend to Colerain Animal Clinic.

Fur Ball Number 2- Is a Apollo, the smallest kitty of the bunch. He was left in the gutter by a price hill resident. He was abused, skittish, scared, and tortured as a kitten. Because he had hook worms for so long, it stunted his development. I have worked on reversing the negativity of his past, and he is officially my 'cat'. Please remind the reader that this cat runs at everything. and He and bella are like male kitty lovers.

Fur Ball Number 3- is Sebastion, the most energetic of the bunch, and the friendliest to strangers. I adopted him at the spca, and then pour money into him, because he was sickly cat. (a very long story that I will spare) but there was a time where Sebastion was fed with a syringine.

So that's the general low down-

My fur balls get along with each other, they are family, licks, play fights, and rolling around. But today Apollo had to be put in Kitty time out.

The normal social relationship was broken in my household because a female cat decided to chat at the window. Apollo the skittish one, tried to show his dominance, hisses, hair everywhere, he was trying to tackle his Bella.,a cat three or four times his size. I had to be the dominate 'Cat' and had to wrap the growing Apollo in a blanket, and shut him in the bedroom.

I still don't quite understand how a female changes the whole social equation, especially when she is just at the window, but Apollo goes ape shit.

Mundane enough-? I think so! So shit man go chill out-

Religon 101

I been thinking about religion, and how I defined my self as a entity.

So here is my religion 101-

I say this is my religion, because I really feel that we all come in the end to our own conclusions, about the big picture of things. this doesn't mean, that others don't have an influence, they do. But they will not decided your own brand of faith-

1: I believe in something.
2: the word God, and the other titles for it, are way to simplistic.
3: we are taken to something else outside of this place when our soul is released
4: words like soul, death, life, again are much to simplistic.
5: In my brand of faith, everything contains energy, and everything is 'alive'
6: I am much better at expressing my greater thoughts outside of words.
7: we are here for a purpose, what that is question.
8: I don't see Jesus as being the son of God.
9: I see books of 'faith' as teaching tools, to help us understand our paths, but should not be used as 'rules'
10: there are no rules.
11: I feel strange when someone tries to place rules, on how I should see or seek my something.
12: No one is wrong in their system of belief's, I wish I could find my self happy with the religous right, or the baptist church or something, but it doesn't float my boat.

Woah, hold down the fort

Gas is at a record high, our two car household will most likely be turn into one, and we may be moving so we both can be closer to school/work. It's an idea that's been popping in my head. The only good thing I see about a recession is that housing costs, and rent are going down-

I tend to move a lot, I get disastified with my apartment, often, and always need to grow. what i would like to have in the next place is, a yard, and a room aside from the family room, that is reserve for art and meditation. Oh did I say I move a lot, instead of moving things around, to look like it's new, I look for a new place. I think I just like the stress of moving.

For mother's day, I was granted the privilege to not at all be responsible on Saturday evening. I think I push that button a little father, then I would of liked- I tend to get 'funny' as Charles puts it. A little irrational, a little like my third eye is talking a bit too loud, and I always go on on how Cali is going to have a major earthquake. But I danced, stumbled, and regretted my decision on eating Thai food for dinner. But I had fun-that's the point, to be free, and a bit careless for a night- is granted once in a while.

other then that I am just chilling, enjoying the weather, and trying to accept my inner person.

I find myself-

Along the spring days, opening into the forest of green.
seeking silence, as I am engulfed in the bliss-
sweat pours, I carry my sun
on my back, old forest woman I am
I have done this a million times before
here we are free
society is just a warm blanket tumbling away
away from my jaded skin, the tears that do not come
the stress of angry words
broken away
into my sea of green
only here we are free
-------------------------

I have found a few soultions.

A I plan to go to school eaither this summer or start in the fall
I will be working by my son will be coming to work with me, so my anixety in that aspect will be lifted away- i also can change my full time hours at work to part time so, I can at least try to do both, but not feel as I am neglecting my bundle of sunshine-

I am trying not to take things so personally. I carry weight of others on my back, to close to me. I am in the state to speak up, and let go.

Too much

I have to much stress, and to much to do, and to much stress, and to much to do..
when things are calm, and the storm is over, ill be back..