Permanence

Permanence I realize is something that I run from, or have run from.
I am now in a state of revolving permanence. My parents will always be my parents, even when they pass, my son will always been my son, and the man I married will always be a man I married.
for a long time I ran from this concept, a permanent being, not settling down, being wild, being independent, having little attachments to friends, even at points my family. A part of this running was anger towards my parents that I couldn't express. I was not mature enough to understand, *and granted there are things i will never get*, nor mature enough to forgive and realize they are just people.
I have started to forgive, I have started to cope.
I still get anxious, anxious there are no clear paths that point to a clear free break to the exit. There is no absolution. Now clear path to freedom, that I now have bonds that would hurt to much for me to ever break.
Sometimes that feeling is crushing, for I long for the taste of the feeling of nothingness, of being no-one, with out responsibilities.
I have lived in that moment, and looked at myself, and my very fragile ties to outside world, and felt absolutely alone, for a moment I cherished it, but loneliness is bitter.
So I apologize to my mother for my wicked Independence, but hope she understands it's just me.
I apologize for my husband for sometimes for my distance, and my anxiety.
being alone sometimes puts fire on the flame.