I type with my fat thighs exploding in my dress that is one size to small. I had to throw something on, because my outfit smelled like basement mold. My face looks like a pizza slice, blotchy, red, exploding with acne that I thought I got rid of during my teenage years. I just got off my hormone roller coaster of what is known as the womanly curse. I don’t mind it really; except when I want to kill everything that touches me or tries to use logic and reason within a five feet radius. In these times, I want to hide underneath the covers, stay in bed all day, and not come out. This feeling just doesn’t come once a month, it lingers through the year.
Maybe if I could just suck in my stomach everything will be alright for the day. Maybe if I was just blonde, I wouldn’t have such a dilemma with personal ego. I know it doesn’t matter, but there’s this girl inside me who desperately wants to fit in. Who wants to sit with someone at lunch time, and fill the day petty conversation.
But I am not that girl, I long for my pink chucks and hippie skirt as I sit in my commercial world, with my little dress, my brown shoes, and ponytail.
the truth is
I lie at lunch, where I really want to grab another piece of cake. I lie and say I count calories, I say i watch my food intake. If no one was watching me,i would have another piece of cake, i would let my thighs expand just a little bit more for that moment of bliss. if i wasn't around other females, i would eat my cake. if they weren't all watching me, judging me. if there wasn't an obession of skinny. if i could just remember that once i would be to thin to be a lovely goddess. if i could just remember.
but lets face it, many women would kill to get in my body, they would smile and dance to fit in my size nine pants that are starting to fall off my waist. they might quest to fit in the medium to small shirt. they would pray for my boobs that i didn't have to buy, even though they are slightly saggy. they would work on my stomach and do pilliaties or whatever to tone my stomach. what do i have to complain about? I have seven more pounds to go before I reach my pre-baby weight. which is just really 2 pounds because i gain and drop five pounds by water weight each month. two pounds and i am at about a size seven. that dress thats too small, i have worn for close to ten years now. so why did i count calories today, why did this morning i felt my thighs were huge? why do i check my weight on the scale? why when i know the obessesion to be thin is just a joke???? why oh why?
Maybe if I could just suck in my stomach everything will be alright for the day. Maybe if I was just blonde, I wouldn’t have such a dilemma with personal ego. I know it doesn’t matter, but there’s this girl inside me who desperately wants to fit in. Who wants to sit with someone at lunch time, and fill the day petty conversation.
But I am not that girl, I long for my pink chucks and hippie skirt as I sit in my commercial world, with my little dress, my brown shoes, and ponytail.
the truth is
I lie at lunch, where I really want to grab another piece of cake. I lie and say I count calories, I say i watch my food intake. If no one was watching me,i would have another piece of cake, i would let my thighs expand just a little bit more for that moment of bliss. if i wasn't around other females, i would eat my cake. if they weren't all watching me, judging me. if there wasn't an obession of skinny. if i could just remember that once i would be to thin to be a lovely goddess. if i could just remember.
but lets face it, many women would kill to get in my body, they would smile and dance to fit in my size nine pants that are starting to fall off my waist. they might quest to fit in the medium to small shirt. they would pray for my boobs that i didn't have to buy, even though they are slightly saggy. they would work on my stomach and do pilliaties or whatever to tone my stomach. what do i have to complain about? I have seven more pounds to go before I reach my pre-baby weight. which is just really 2 pounds because i gain and drop five pounds by water weight each month. two pounds and i am at about a size seven. that dress thats too small, i have worn for close to ten years now. so why did i count calories today, why did this morning i felt my thighs were huge? why do i check my weight on the scale? why when i know the obessesion to be thin is just a joke???? why oh why?
1 comment:
I am one of those women that would kill to be in your body. I am two times your size (after your two pounds) ... I ring in at a comfy size 14, sometimes a 16. I have this love/hate thing going with body too, but as the years have ticked past, I've noticed that I'm having a little more love, a little less hate. I don't know how, or how long I'll be able to say that, but for right now I can.
I don't know.
Post a Comment