the meaning

The meaning of it all. The great question often ponder, rarely answered. What does it all mean? what is the purpose of life? There's many ways to approach that question.
One of my childhood friends lost there mother a few days ago.
I have few people through out my life who I know I will always be cool with, even after years with out speaking. I will always have trust in my heart for them. Dora is one of those 'cool' people. She's not an every day friend, but someone I can always tell a joke to, or share a memory.
As I grow older I look back more at those happy simple times more and more. I miss those moments, how trees smelled, how air from a cave feels on the tip of your hands. How it was so wonderful to be free with nature with out a care in the world. No bills, no assignments, no worries, not adult responsibilities. Its the space where war, greed, hunger, famine, disasters do not exist. Where you have no weight on your back, and no one has agenda or is judging you.
As I get older that place unfortunately exists less and less. Not to say it's not there, it's just harder to realize I am in that space. Sometimes you have to be outside of it, to realize when your in it.
I am not making much sense now- so Ill leave it.
Here's Karen's Obit-
May you be well-


Obituaries

Karen R RUCKER
(May 22, 1961 - January 28, 2009)

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Karen R RUCKER


RUCKER, Karen, age 47 of Darrtown, Ohio, died January 28, 2009 in Hospice of Hamilton. Karen was born on May 22, 1961, in Marion, Ohio the daughter of Floyd and Barbara (Augustus) Patrick.

A devoted wife and mother, she is survived by her husband, Rodney Rucker; three children, Dora Hoffman, Justin Rucker and Mary Rucker; three sisters; a brother; and three grandchildren. She will be fondly remembered for her love of the sun, Indian Lake and her family.

Memorial services will be held Saturday, January 31, 2009 at 11am, in the Darrtown United Methodist Church, 4309 Walnut Street. The family will be receiving guests at their home, 4281 East Street, Darrtown, Ohio after the memorial service.

In lieu of flowers donations may be made in Karen’s honor, to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network at http://www.pancan.org/donate . Zettler Funeral home, serving the family. Online register book available at www.zettlerfuneralhome.com

fester

I have a wound
fester, bubble, burn
awaken me
twisted ice branches crackle
under weight and heavy sighs
awaken me
than fester-bubble and burn

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Deep night thought. I have no manual to you my lovely child. You didn't come with an instruction booklet. I have no magic button to make everything alright. You were an act of surprise, not planned, not an complete accident. You came and chose me, and all I can try to give you is something better that what I had. I'll try to keep my depression under wraps, I'll leave if the marriage is sour, I'll stand up for myself. I promise you will never see the things that collapsed my trust as a child. The things that still make me so quiet that I still have one long scream. And even after all the forgiveness and understanding of what it's like to be human. The memory still remands. I'll try to protect you just enough but not to much so you gain independence. I'll try to instill what it's like to respect but still question authority. I'll do all I can.
But I am not perfect, forgive me for that when you start to judge the mistakes that I have made. Forgive me. That's all I can ask. Forgive me when one day the other mothers judge us, for their own insecurities, and my own for feeling judge.
Life is not easy, it's bumpy, the road of having a functioning not completely absent brain is sometimes hazardous. Realize that living the good life is not always easy, not always fair, and hardly anyone follows a written rule.

snow

Well were getting our first real storm of the winter. I am hoping at some point tomorrow the roads are clear enough so we can get down to the park so I can snap some pictures.
My stomach has been going crazy, not in the good way. I think it's from the lack of me washing my hands every time I wipe snot of my child's nose. Eww I am so gross. Not really after a child up-chucks on you from four inches away, bodily fluids no longer phase you.
I am boring! I know-
I get the lovely choice to take my math final because of the snow today. emm, I would have to get a 99 *it won't happen to get an a, and 84 to get a b. I think I'll just settle for my C The sad part is I could get a high B. No i won't say Ill get an A. It just takes me too long to do word problem. It's not that I don't know how to do it, is that I am anal and I have to make sure I did it write. Again numbers unless it's a written down in word theory don't come easily.

Carrie

skating on by.. i am not the girl i use to be, the years slip through my fingers like sand hitting glass. time, stands, sits, and moves, pushing me into-
moments

Getting there

It's just been fairly busy, I am trying to keep up on my college math class, my brain I don't think was meant for numbers. Trying to understand how I can do so well in my other classes with out any real efforts, and but all my effort into math and get shitty results..sighs

its a new year

I don't make resolutions because I know I wont keep them.
I make lists on things I need to improve about myself.

Here it goes-



Stop being so judgmental- If Psychology is correct, I am still stuck on adolescent development. Meaning that I think people are judging me as much as I judge myself.
I am overly critical about who I am, I think the world is looking at me, pointing at my flaws. I know that this makes me distant to people, hard to get to know. I have realized who wants to share themselves with me, if I don't share myself with them?
Thus I will try to encompass a general open behavior, let down some walls that I have built very high, and get over myself.

Take time out for myself- as a mom of a two year old, I am a chicken with out a head, I multi-task, but I forget little things like, taking time to shave my legs with out a two year old watching, or painting at night=

general physical health one-

call folks, I am very bad at reaching out to talk to someone.