As you can see, I have troubles keeping up with my journal. As a working mom, I feel as time is moving by so quickly, that I am running a marathon to keep up with it. Even though, I have a million thoughts that are oozing out of my core.

I use to have the problem of falling asleep. My mind would keep on racing, even though my body is physically exhausted. Now, I can’t wait to go to bed, and I am usually out cold before one can snap their fingers. But last night, I had a period of twenty minutes where I could not fall asleep. This might not sound very long to you, but sleep is very priceless to me.
The thoughts that were racing around my head were dark. A lot of ‘what if scenario’s’ came to my mind. What if a bomb drop on Cincinnati, would I survive? What if’ the polar ice caps melted? What if; aliens can capture souls? I know these thoughts aren’t very deep and inspiring, and I admit are sort of goofy, and a bit dark. But as I watch a life grow I realize how fragile life is. I have to admit it is truly amazing watching Ezra discover new things. So I guess I tend to think about immortality, a lot more these days. I am still a bit scared of death. And again I wonder if I get over that fear, I will die. Some say you have to accept death to really live. I accepted it will happen, but I don’t want it to happen anytime soon.

Let’s move onto a happier subject!

Ezra is a little rolling machine. He is all smiles and giggles, he loves rolling. He has successfully gotten from his stomach to his back. He tends to get pissed off if he is on his stomach for to long. I watched him do a 360 roll, it was so cool. I really have discovered I miss him when I am gone at work. I really wish I could cut back on my hours a little more, but that won’t happen anytime soon. He is also amazed by his feet.
But he also has discovered more of his vocal cords, and likes to make this strange screech scream noise. It’s cute, but it also is very high pitched. He tends to do this noise when he is, tired, excited, or bored. So its been a lot lately.

We went to traders’ world on Sunday, and turtle creek.
Going to a flea market, to look at useless stuff, weirdly makes me feel better about myself and my physical appearance. It just seems that everyone there is mutated in some way or another. With strange sized heads, eyes, stomach’s and etc. Not that I am miss perfect, but if you ever went there you would get my drift.
oh by the way we were beep at, and given the finger for our anti bush stickers on our bumpers.
This hasn't happened for a long while.


I have also been walking; the weather has been so nice, that I have broken out my sandals. I am very fair skin, and already got a bit sunburned. The weather has been crazy this year, abnormally cold in one month, abnormally warm at the end of an another month. Mother Earth is surely having her period.

Because its been very difficult to paint with Ezra being so small. I have been more into photography. I shall post some pictures later.

moving on up to an apartment in the sky

Moving on up,

Or down. I feel like a flying rabbit at the company in which I work at. I am contract in. Like most big businesses it’s cheaper for them not to give me benefits, but pay me a bit more hourly. They give there normal employee’s great benefit packages, with stock options and all of that. See in my heart, of hearts, I am on the fence on working for the ‘company’ or going back to work in the field I love. The problem is that working on an campaign is not very family friendly, and I now have a family.
Ok, so it’s not really surprising that at 25, I am still clueless on what I want to do with my life. Eh, so there are hiring in for the position, which I am currently working. So I placed my resume on his desk, (I saw a stack of them, so. it doesn’t hurt now does it) Now the problem is if I could just pass the ‘companies’ personality test. Apparently nerdy arsty girls done do very well. So if I can take it at home online, I might have a friend take it for me. I am serious isn’t that sad??
I am working on my second year of working for the man, so hire me. I am college educated.

I think I am still tired from this weekend. I haven’t had a drink (or 5) in over a year. I seriously had a hang over..but next time I go out, I am staying out, and not going home. Ezra decided to wake up as soon as I got home L and I really couldn’t do much to help him go back to sleep. i.e mommies boobies were off limits for the night. A sense of paralyzing guilt swept over me, and that killed my mood. It also didn’t help that wakes up at 6:15 every morning..so yes, I am spending the night out, next time.

Really don’t have anything that exciting to report…i.e finally put up the pictures I mounted. Ezra’s room is officially the cleanest most organized room of our household. I am tired of cleaning messes, i.e I work full time, I am not a housekeeper fulltime anymore. It was fine when I was home, the mess was down, you could go in the bathroom with out being disgusted. I just really don’t have time for it. And daddy is not as good balancing home/baby. Cough and he also hates to clean, hes a lot better then when I met him. But still, if I find one more coke can in a place where I cant imagine drinking coke, I am going to lose my mind. i.e if I ever win the lottery I will have a professional ‘maid’ who will get paid top dollar. I don’t want to have a nanny just someone who can baby sit for the night. Oh if I had a couple of million dollars.

poetry and sizes

Poetry. I have realized that I dont write much of it now days. I use to. I still have stacks of what I have written. Thus its a new goal each day to try to write a poem. ha we will see how that works. Starting tomorrow, i have writters block.

sizes?
i was ecstatic last night my butt fit into a pair of pre pregnancy pants. the label read 5-6, oh jeez i about had a triple orgasm in my pants. but in reality i am a far from that size. but i have also realized that each company sizes women in a whole new way. so i am sized 5-14 ha..

oh well again writers block..maybe ill be more creative tomorrow. i need to take a little walk.

random thoughts

here they go.

i really dont do much of anything where i work. though i will moving on monday, and working for another adminstrator. i am a bit nervous, i actually hope it will be more demanding. but at the same time i enjoy the freedom, of my admin, not really know what i do all day. as along as everything is working out, then well i have done my job. i basically schedule what he does, and 7/10 times he igornes what he should be doing, and does something else. i dont think i should be held for responsibile for what he chooses to do, and hes the big boss over the whole department. its like his words are golden, and everyone wants a little peice of him.

i hate my stomach, i still look like i could be having a baby. though i have i swear 10 pounds of extra skin, just laying there. none of my old pants fit, not because my hips got any bigger, but its because i cant button them over the mound of skin and fat. my stomach freaking jiggles like butter when i walk. it use to be flat, yes flat. now i am miss chub chub.

i cant eat any healthier, i mean i havent had a peice of meat in 11 years. yes there might of been some chicken broth is some soup i ordered, that i didnt know about. and i ate around a few peices of bacon, but nope no meat. i dont eat 400 caloried big macs and fries. i sneak a cookie. is cheese killing me? i like bread?my addiction to fruit juice? the soda i might sneak it? what is it? i try to get off my big ass and walk every day at work. its my i got to go get water walk, or get some free coffee walk, or i am just bored walk.

its girls night out on saturday. so charles works this ridicous hours, 1-8 on saturday? i mean come on thats just silly, anyhow, i want to go out, i need to go out, all the voices in my head say go out and have a few drinks, but i refuse to drive while drinking, and well see..what goes down..

breastfeeding 101

1: dont forget your air tubes at home.for your breast pump
2: dont kick yourself for forgetting your air tubes when you need to pump more frequently because you have a bacterial infection. and call whomever you can to fetch said air tubes
3: be as bitchy as possible when you get a bacterial infection from your child. not at your child, but everyone else around you.
3: again be as bitchy as possible when you wait an hour for your doctor to office to right you out an prescription
4: remember to try to smile after that hour you waited, for a 2 min, squeeze, squeeze oh yes your right you do have an bacterial infection.
5: remember to pay yourself a large sum of money for not going to medical school.
6: keep describing your clogged breast duct to a knot in your husband penis, then he might realize its not ok to touch your boobies.
7: find some way for your breast not to jiggle when you walk, thus making that little clogged duct hurt.
8: stop imaging spaghetti coming out of your breast, when said breast becomes unclogged. stop reading. this is where you get these images in the first place.
9: again stop reading things after you googled, such as 'my husband sucked all the milk out of my boobies to get my milk unclogged'

wild?

I been asking myself where oh where did my wild side go? I realized that my husband never got to meet the crazy carrie, (not that is really a bad thing.) but i guess i sorta got offended when a friend of mine (i know you read my blog, i still love you and your a great friend, and really dont know what i would do with out you in my life) applied it might be to much for me to go out to a club..in after thought, i wanted to say do you remember when we did crazy things together..
i know my friend didnt mean to offend me, its just i been missing the other part of me (not that i really want to revert to that time in my life) just a little bit, the wild side that traveled around the country by herself, the girl who flew by the seat of her pants, who didn't worry about stability...etc, etc. I guess what i am saying for a day, perhaps an hour it be nice to feel free again. but i realize that time is over for me, i ate a lot of metaphoric cake during that time period. i had a lot of fun, but i also had a lot of heartache, and made a lot of stupid decisions. i am happy to be where i am at, its good..
as i grow i realize i have two different personalities, i think this is what happens when you are a virgo-libra mix, as my husbands puts it i am anal retentive about pleasing people.. but theres a part of me that needs to feel like she fits in, is a part of the crowd that is accepted by society, and there is a part of me who is a loner, who hates society, and hates to conform..so finding a balance, is hard...anyways so i guess my loner side wants to feel in the incrowd this morning, and all this sorta sprung up because i got scared.
i never really got scared by people before, but i guess i realize that my life is important, that my existence helps my child existence, thus i am a lot more nervous about my own safety. where i in the past could take off by myself without a care about my own personal safety, now i question is it safe enough. this bugs me, because a part of this i feel is brought on my the media, i know that most rapes and murders are from someone you know, is like 3% of rapes happen from a complete stranger, and i think the statistics hold true to murder..
but i got the hey baby, honey come over here, at 7am this morning when i was walking to get my coffee, because i am a bit of a coffee snob..and it bothered me that i felt unsafe.sigh..
i mean i use to walk in getto and tried to get people out to vote, and i got hey baby about 3 times a day..and now i am rushing to the store, and then rushing to lock my car doors? i mean the police were at the corner at the street...

ok so i am really not getting this new time change to save energy thing, i think its a bunch of crapo la, waking up when its dark saves energy how? i mean your going to turn on the light...
and its really not turning on the lights thats killing the enviorment (though theres a lot better ways to harness electricity) its the car that gets me to work, the fact that we build build build, and dont recycle, any of our resources...any how...because of mr. bushs plan my job is impossible to do, because i do calendering, yes i work with scheduling time...and guess what the program is down..

not that i really mind updating my blog, but it means that i have to go call someone from IT, and the company i work for outsource there IT (tech people) which doesnt make a whole lot of sense to me....to see why the program is not adding on the ad on...

anyhow we think we are going to look in buying our first home, because charles credit sucks balls i have to ask my dad to ask my mom (yes this is how financial things work with her) to co sign a mortgage with me...

we found some houses on the web that looked night and under 110,000 and still in the zip code we live in...

so...it will be fun...

ok i guess i will try to do my job now, hahah

to much in my mind to write

that's how the last couple of days have been for me. Its been a whirl wind, I feel sorta like I am on a boat in the middle of the ocean without a decent captain. (wow was that a bad metaphor)
I been chasing my own tail trying to find an apartment/house to rent, lease. I cant wait till Charles is finally done with school so we can invest in our own home. I am tired of looking for somewhere to settle into for the moment, and i have moved way to many times since i have graduated high school. I just need a place to call my own.
Charles is sick, sick, sick, cough cough cough..and i am crossing my fingers that Ezra doesn't catch the bug, because I don't want to be at children's hospital anytime soon with him! every day that he was in there was like an extra day of my life....
my hormones also have been acting crazy! i am hoping okay praying my body is trying to get adjusted..i am not ready to become a mom again, 5 years in the future fine that be great, but not now...
that's enough for now, sorry readers that this wasn't more inspiring or creative to write, i just got to much on my plate for my mind to work.

to much in my mind to write

that's how the last couple of days have been for me. Its been a whirl wind, I feel sorta like I am on a boat in the middle of the ocean without a decent captain. (wow was that a bad metaphor)
I been chasing my own tail trying to find an apartment/house to rent, lease. I cant wait till Charles is finally done with school so we can invest in our own home. I am tired of looking for somewhere to settle into for the moment, and i have moved way to many times since i have graduated high school. I just need a place to call my own.
Charles is sick, sick, sick, cough cough cough..and i am crossing my fingers that Ezra doesn't catch the bug, because I don't want to be at children's hospital anytime soon with him! every day that he was in there was like an extra day of my life....
my hormones also have been acting crazy! i am hoping okay praying my body is trying to get adjusted..i am not ready to become a mom again, 5 years in the future fine that be great, but not now...
that's enough for now, sorry readers that this wasn't more inspiring or creative to write, i just got to much on my plate for my mind to work.

I'm it

1. Find the nearest book: Yup there is a stack of them does this tell ya something about my personallity?

2. Name the book and the author: a people history of the united states 1492-present by howard zinn

3. Turn to page 123. Alrighty

4. Go to the 5th sentence on the page & copy out the next 3 sentences onto your blog. When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one portion of the family of man to assume among the people of the earth a position diffrent from that they have hitherto occupied... we hold thise truths to be self-evident: that all men and women are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certian inalienable rights, that amoung these are life, liverty and the pursit of happiness. The history of mankind is a history of repated injuries and usurpations on the part of man toward woman, having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over her.

5. Tag 3 more people. well i changed this to one person, and i tagged noami.

Clouds

I am staring out of my window watching the clouds float on by. I really love watching clouds, they have such intresting shapes, colors, and movements. I can still get lost in my imagination world, looking at clouds. I love clouds at sunset.

ok I am offical dork, so i am posting cloud pics- and them later on i am going to describe what i see, maybe write a little poem later on. If you are a dork like me tell me what you think of the clouds, and find me a cloud picture.

annoyed

That is correct I am offically annoyed, and a bit pissed off! It seems that the lovely company I work for is still paying me my old pay rate! unless the us goverment now decides to take close to 100 dollars away in taxes!! I am so fucking pissed off, I rush to take this new position with 2, days warning..ERRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I am also working with expense reports! and I am fucking annoyed with how my boss can just toss aroud $$$$

and my ass has offically flattened!!!!!!!!! I cant wait till tomorrow!