quiet

I am actually witnessing a moment of quiet. It's refreshing, invigorating, and melting my mind.
things have been sorta hectic at my household this week. My other haft has this weird rash/allergic reaction that keeps growing on his back and is now moving up to his neck and his face. he believes its impetigo, a skin condition that usually happens to small children, but is rare in adults. i think hes allergic to his body wash, or a deodorant, or me.
so hes been super grumpy, and i had to be positive force in my household.
i am also been neglecting my cleaning ritual, i just sick of cleaning up messes and being disorganized. someone want to come organize my house hold for me? buy me all new stuff, and transform my life.

i am going fall shopping for the little tike with my mom (my birthday gift) i am going to try to pick up a few pairs a pants that fit, i have no pants that fit, i am eaither to thin, or fat.

ok

watching the weather change

fall is turning it's corner, a dry, and brown fall. the hot wind is being blown away, slowly. hopefully positive change will come.

my friend is in san Francisco right now the jealousy is pursing through me. i can't believe its been almost six years since i lived by the ocean. that seems like a long long time ago, in a world very far away. before children and husbands and raver boys.
where i was a dreamer and less of a realist, when i was young.

well its been a werid sorta week, i quit my coupon job (after i got the news that there would be another job that paid more hourly for me that day) and am organizing some conferences, and i love it, seriously love it. its so much better. i am actually treated like an adult, and not a fucking child. i love the pace of it, and always having something to do.

so its not long term, but as a contractor i never have gone without a job for more then a week. i am also looking for other options of long term placement. i am also setting another email account up so i can retest the assement test that the company i been working gives since i now know how to take is correctly. rolls eyes, i cant appear to accomplish or to much of a leader, yaddidaaa daa dee da.

ezra lack of naps finally caught up with him last night, especially since he refused to go to bed before 10pm last night and crash, he also had a blood pocket in his tooth. i wasnt here to experience it.

family

ppoooopppppppppppppp

can I?

do it all alone? In my anger i ask that. being bitter I say, everyone leaves us in the end. I give so much, more of myself to you my love then anyone else- must you use me sometimes like a voodoo doll and a push pin-

pushing pins
jagged little buttons
trapped birds
locked cage
body

happy face, on cool September morning before
heat rises from cracked
dry earth
barren


on a happier note then bad poetry-because i will not pretend i live a perfect life, and i use my blog to vent-
i made a happier blog just for ezra, i am still working on the layout and the first few posts, but look for a ling soon.

i turn 26

in a few hours...

i been thinking about-

how once upon a time i meet Gloria Steinem...I was picked to have dinner with her because I was such a stellar women's studies student. this is one of my few claims of fame, my other is, i had better tickets then beck at a bob dylan concert.

other claims of fame...

none really,i am no one famous, i have a few poems published, i was on the deans list a few times in college, and i make a good burrito..

birthdays...

for the last oh ten years I been getting a bit depressed in the month of September. why you might ask? because it's birthday time for me, and birthday time, is a time of self reflection.

a lot has happened in my 25th year of life, i have had a lot of joy, and a lot of sorrow. I experienced the best thing in my life, and one of the worse months later. sometimes i feel like i am moving backwards, other times i feel like I am moving froward!

what i want to achieve for next year, is work on my career, do more things just for me (and not everyone else, and try to become more positive!

So sometime next week I will be having my birthday- plans are simple, take the day off work! not wake up so early to take little boy to daycare! an extra hour of sleep, is a lot to me! get a mocha! go to either the museum center with him (which is free) or the aquarium (though i don't think he will enjoy it as much as I would) then drop him off at tiff's for a few hours so the hubby and I can have a nice dinner with out having to entertain a ten month old...and thats about it...

last night (hubby and i went out) and on the 29th which is the night i am going out with the girls, are my getting 'wild nights"

on other blogger news,i will be creating a not so um emotional blog for ezra...

alright good night

who am i

i have changed a drastic amount in the last five years, a lot has changed, and i have changed with the changes. when i step back, I sometimes question, who I am looking at.

So for right now this is what I see.

In the last five years physically I haven't aged that much. At 26 I still get carded for a drink at a restaurant or a fair. My face still looks young, my skin still soft. other then the 15 pounds of baby weight around my mid section that is stuck, I don't really all that much diffrent. my hair is constantly changing styles, based upon my mood. but i still appear fresh out of college. i pride myself at not looking my age.

moments

as you can see by my lack of blogs that i have become busier. i have transfer jobs again, and thus most of my previous free time to write, is now occupied by data entry.
whoo, not what i expected to do with my life. but for this moment, it works.
for this moment it works or at least thats what i keep telling myself.
over and over again, so I don't lose my mind.

this is a common thread...right now, if i can deal with this moment, it will get better, it will get better. something will change for me, i will become happier, and less.....

and feeling less like i want to scream....

blah blah blah

blah blah blah

I am not in the mood- I am not in a good mood, and I am feeling pretty down. A lot of depression in my book~

blah blah blah blah

chicao and the ever after....

I am still in vacation mode, with a list of things I should be doing, but I just don't want to.
Lets face it I am horrible at follow my list of things to do, and do them at my own time. like the cat litter really needs to be clean, and the futon cover really needs to put back on, and the floor really needs to be mopped, and my sanity really needs to be saved.
I am not in housework mode, today is one of those days if i had the extra funs, i would hire a maid. i dream about those women who have maids and tidy houses, and wonder what there lives are like. the amount of free time they must have, the clean fresh linen on their beds.
which reminds me i need to wash my sheets.

so lets say it was nice to have a hotel room, maid service, and fresh clean sheets. i got to live it up, i go to say i stayed at the hilton for multiple days.
so what it was some internet deal, and parking was a bitch, and it had to much traffic to deal with. and i would never to the internet deal, or the parking, or my imagination having planes crash into the building.

but the night i had room service was ungodly, it was the best food on the trip, and my mouth still waters for it. to eat in bed! it wasnt the most i ever spent on a meal in my lifetime, but it was close. i have watch enough top chef reality tv on bravo, to desrve that type of food, and have my mouth crave it.

the rest of the trip was a lot of walking and driving, and not having a real plan. we visited two children's museums, because what else is there to do with a ten month old, then give him a safe place to crawl around.

those were the best part, the rest of the trip sadly unremarkable, when the boy grows up a little, mama and dada are taking a long weekend just to themselves. but i am not ready to stick my child.

we also now now that outdoor activites like camping and beaches may be better for our little guy.

life is changing.

posting soon

tomorrow look for a new post, for those who 'watch' my soap opera.