Gray skies, opening, shouting, screaming
on
Monday morning

cold chill's and afternoon glory
enrapture me with faith and rhapsody
because I want to remember when

voices were not echo's, hitting against...
the metal walls of my memory

&

we just danced,
pushing are arms
legs
knees, thighs, elbows, lips, tongues, hips
to feel free, to catch air
climbing higher and higher
till we belive we have hit a moment of ecstasy

But now

its bitter days
enslaved in the
factory game of
dandelion weeds and money slaves

--------------------------------------------------------another blurb about the meaning of life

HAVE A BODY, EMOTIONS, THOUGHTS AND A SOUL

Your experiences will come to you through four modalities: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Your body will give you physical messages of sensation, movement, pain and pleasure.Your emotional mechanism’s feelings will attract you and repel you in different directions, sometimes conflicting.Your mind’s thoughts will make logical inferences and judgments about your experience.Your soul’s intuitions will guide you to realize the deepest subtleties of your experience and its meaning.

What was your physical, emotional, and spirtual mood for today?

physically- i am in a zone of being awake but never quite enough
emotional- i am plateu of feelings, trying to get it
moment of zen- tasting coffee
spirtual- the topic of how religon should play a part in ezra's life.

Mirrors

I have never been very fond of Mirror's. I am almost terrified of them. I don't know when this phobia occurred, or how it started, or if it's just an issue of my degraded self esteem, but I am not fond of mirrors. Ever mirror that I have ever ownED (larger sized mirrors, such as ones you would place on your dresser, or mount on your wall) have broken, for no apparent reason. I am serious, they just broke, not because I moved them, or i threw something at it, it just started cracking. Odd I think, Yes, very odd. So because of this factor, we only have the mirror's that came with out house. The ones in our bathroom. It's not a very large mirror, large enough to see how my hair looks, but not to see if my pants look to baggy. When Ezra's dresser was given to us, it came with a very large mirror. I know that mirror's for babies help their little brains grow, and I promised myself I would not pass over my crazy phobia's to my child. So I kept the Mirror, and after five months the mirror is still not mounted above his dresser. Please don't think my child doesn't play with mirror's he has a few mounted on his toy's. One on his crib, I carry him to the bathroom so he can look in. But he has a blast with the mirror in the dressing room at Kohl's, he couldn't stop giggling at himself, and I couldn't stop smiling at him, and giggling. So to make a long story short, I will be mounting his Mirror. Seriously this is harder for me then it looks, I am terrified it will break for no reason, or extra, but it's time that I get over my fear of mirrors.

MEANING OF LIFE- PART 2

I reall like this web page I discovered, so here is part 2 on my meaning of life series. (yes i am a total dork)

HAVE TASKS

You come here to do certain specific things. You may have one task or many. Your tasks may be obvious to you. or you may need time, effort, maybe struggle even to clarify your tasks. You may never quite even clarify your task until the moment your time in this body ends. You may work on your task for years before you realize, “This is my task.” The tasks you came to perform may take the whole of your life or be done in an instant. You may be aware you are performing your life task while you do it. You may perform your task quickly, hardly noticing anything special, unaware you are doing the task you came to do while you do it.Your task may be so easy, obvious and natural, you never even wonder, "What is my task?" Your unique blend of talents and interests may lead you to your task and you just do it. Or, your task may be a constant, unpleasant struggle you fight every step of the way. Your task may be noble and wonderful and gain you recognition, rewards and honors. Or, it may be simple, totally unnoticeable by anyone else.

'what are your tasks' have you figured it out yet?

meaning of life-

I tend to get very bored at work-so sometimes when the office is silent, and I need a break from it all, i google random phrases that pop in my head. today is the meaning of life-

I really like this poem on this webpage: http://www.themeaningoflife.org/1LandHere.htm

sorry for the crazy script

I just Just exactly as if you are landing a spaceship from another galaxy, your soul enters your body and lands here on Earth. Perhaps you come from out of nowhere, out of nothingness. Or else you had a previous existence somewhere, in another realm or in this realm, and you have forgotten it. Perhaps you land here of your own free choice.Or some cosmic force some karma beyond you causes you to land on this planet; and you have no choice. No matter. This is Earth. You land and stay for a while.

what is your meaning, thoughts on the meaning of life?

so tired

I am so tired, but I decided to set some time out to write at the end of the day. so please excuse me now, if there is a lack of captalization, i swear hitting the shift key is just to damn hard, and this blog doesnt make any sense.
i took ezra pie to the doctor's yesterday, fun stuff. i am always reminded, not to ever let him touch the toys in the doctors office. it's amazing how drippy green nose snot bugger kids have enough energy to play. this mom sat her nine month year old daughter, with a green snot bugger nose on the carpet, and i was like ewww..i dont know when i became so concerned with germs. but em..
so he has an upper resptory bug, that been going though cinni, i always wonder where he got the bug. a part of me wants to put him in a bubble, i.e I dread doctor's, and I fear hospitals. since i already gained five years sitting with him at one.
i guess i am still amazed, at how important he his to me, a lot changes when your a mama.
so i am going try not to freak out riding in the car to michicgan next weekend. i been having very tiny anxiety attacts in motor vechiles lately. i just hate not driving, and i hate driving. i just dont trust other people on the road, and i think once your turn 65, you should be tested every 6months to keep your damn license. apparently the edlerly can just turn out of drives when ever they feel like it, and it's just dangerous going out of your house from 10-2 on a weekday. i also think theres a cult of old people that gather at grocrey stores..they line up their shopping carts, which have 5 items, to chat and gossip.
i am done being a temp, done, i still working, but i am placing sending out my resume like crazy. i am in a werid pickle, i need to work, but umm i need a real job, and lets face it there never going to pave my road in goal, and give me the benefits, so i am done, these two weeks have been so fucking frustrated, waiting just waiting, err..but i am back to work scanning documents and creating data bases, i am to smart, and i am bored...and i dont know how to use my degree, and i am stuck in cinni till charles graduates from college, and then we will see...
i have lots of skills, but fuck it, i just am a lost puppy at 25, with a baby, and a husband, and so forth and so forth, and so on, and so on..
did i say i am tired, when will my child sleep through the night, he wakes up at 2:30 almost on the dot, and then at 5ish to cuddle with mommy- i half awake sleep with him till 6ish and then i get ready for work- its hard, i wish i was a millionaire, or we could afford for me to work part time- so i did get a call for a interview, i will be calling back at work in the bathroom making that appointment hoping that it will be real and not some marketing scam...
i hate money, i hate captalisim, i hate the fact that i am to tired to spell check this, and i am going to publish it any old ways-
fuck it-
i am real, this is real, it seem like there are so many fake people in the world painting their faces, pretending that there lives are pefect, and they are perfect, even the rich have problems. i am proud i made it though college with out a student loan, i am proud all our bills are paid, and i dont have a credit card max up, i dont owe anything to anyone, but i am poor- but i dont need material things, ezra has plenty of clothes (sorta) he out growing everything, and i have to go ask for more from my loving family of friends or go purchase them...he has tons of toys, smiles when he sick- i am sad he doesnt have a yard, that i dont ever feel like i have enough time with him- i wish we were settled in a house, but i have a husband in college, and were making it- i just want his life to be better then what i grew up in- which it is- he doesnt have a neglectful mother who cant handle all the stress, because her partner/husband works all the time, and is semi abusive (my early years of a childhood, their relationhip got better when i turn 13) neither of us are addicted to illegal drugs, though charles still smokes...i dont drink to get drunk, my husband has never beat me, my house is pretty clean- i am doing ok- i am mentally stable for the most part, i my moments of depression, usually steaming from i am a failure at 25, and my carrer is not lined in gold..i sometimes have burst of anxiety i think this is from becoming a mother, if something would happen to me, i am sure all the pecies would fall a part, and hell i want to watch my little boy grow up- i am in love with my husband, he doesnt cheat on me, isnt a total asshole, and isnt my whole fucking world.
that really gets me, how people get so chain to their mate, it consumes them, and they have no personallity, its like they cant decided what to eat for breakfast, to have or not to have cereal in the morning with out thier husbands/wife permission, oh it makes me sick. i always want to think on my own, i love charles dearly, but i am his wife not him...i like my time when hes at work, i need my breaks, i need to feel like i can breath, and then i love it when i am scared in the middle of the night and hes their to hold me, and even though its so annoying that he never puts his bowl in the sink, if he ever left me i would dearly miss that-but i am still a person, family is very important to me, but i still like to have my own opinions, have my own sense of style, and my own damn thoughts....................................................
ok i am done, sorry for all the miss spellings
me

No time

Again you can see how religiously I keep up with my blog! ha let me laugh myself silly- I have always been like this with writing, I get the writing bug up my ass and i write one or even twice a day, and then there are spans of time that I wont even write a word-
I should be going back to work on wed- i really think i have less time to the keys to my own mind when I am at work, then when I am at home. Ezra is boss, and i schedule around his schedule-
I cross my fingers-
Were not hurting for $$ but it totally wash away new home plans..if the jobs plans fall away then My ass will be livid...i been told of 2 openings, and can be placed at either one, but don't know where the prices fall-sigh! ugh, i hate it, i hate waiting to see if i got the long term job, i mean it can really last for the rest of my life if i wanted it to- i hate waiting, did i say that-?
its been a hellish day- going to store with a teething 4 1/2 monthold, who just woke up, and tends to scream off his head right when your checking out. so everyone watching you, giving you this look-
and there were only 3 check out lines open, and 25 people with carts, and my child is screaming, paint the picture-it was hellish
work on some 3-d art, yeah i painted finally- will find the camera to take pics-
spent the day with the in laws, if you ever feel down about your luck just go talk to my sister in law, she will perk you right up- sigh!
OK back to my fruity drink- ha