Saturday, June 28

I am just tired

of crap-
I am angry female, step out of my way-
I am just angry at being overquallified and underpaid-
of not doing just the right thing, the way someone wanted me to do it-
Not having any me time, and paying the price-

I am finding bliss in Ezra's delight and everything green-

Sunday, June 22

Hometowns

Even though my home town is in driving distant it's rare that I take a visit.
My home town is a little college town, I grew up or transformed there.
This visit for me was strange, and reflective. Maybe it's the day we chose to go up there, or the overall mood I have been. But I am in a state of weird sadness. A place where I am trying to accept that I am getting older and my life has changed drastically in a fairly short time. A time span about four/five years.
In the last five years, my life has transformed three fold. It's not bad, but I realized I am in a new skin, an new place, with new promblems more complicated then ever before.
For me the good things about 'home' it was safe, you can walk at night alone with little fear, you can see the stars not covered by air and light pollution. It was okay to drop on by someone's house with out a phone call. You could keep yout doors unlocked. There were no gangs, a very low murder rate, and drugs were always on the hush hush.
The bad parts it was a college town, a high level of superficial people, women trying to be to thin, to fast, and conformity in the college level makes me want to puke.
If you grew up there, something separate you from the college folk (usually the amount in your bank account, or that you were moth down to earth, and a bit more liberal.
But I had good memories, with the bad.

It's funny how things move and change.

anyhow my cat got out, and went ape shit when i tried to get him in-

Thursday, June 19

....

tomorrow is another anniversary of sorts- one much sadder of nature-

On the 20th of June last year, we lost a very good friend. We lost a friend to addiction, depression and what i like to call 'accidental suicide'-or just plain suicide, i don't know all of the details-they come out slowly dripping-

So here it goes-

when one thinks of addict, one would not picture Bryon- Even though he proclaim he was, and in a sense he was sickly proud of it. His proclamation came in what I like to call his 'end days;. (In my mind my last moments with him, the end by the doors is the soundtrack). Bryon was not a normal addict. He was highly functional, with a tremendous IQ. He graduated with 3.7 from a private college. He was editor of the college newspaper, worked ironically for campus police. He took every job he did, somewhat too seriously. He could out wit the devil- He had a knack for '2' dollar words-
There is more to him, then I could write, or say, or express.

I knew, in my heart, that his addiction would be his failing point. At first I felt a overpowering sense of guilt, that I didn't do more. That I didn't drive his ass to a rehab center. Even if I drove him, he would escape, or become an addicted to 'therapeutic' drugs. Bryon knew he had a problem, but testing the limits, was a part of his personality- A beautiful flaw. I know now that nothing I could do could save him. It took me a few months to understand this. Guilt is easy-

Anger comes next-

But I never really felt a spew of anger towards him, just a mound of utter disappointment.

I still feel disappointed, and sadden.

But I remember he was too brilliant- just like fire in the night-
he wad dependable. He sat in the room with me when I was going through my 36 hours of labor. He gave the wedding ring to my husband that I still wear. I spent six hours in a van with him, just talking candidly. With out him, it's possible I wouldn't be married, I wouldn't have my child-
Bryon had a different relationship with everyone he met- he was truly an interesting soul, and he had a purpose in my life. One that is not measurable.

But he is not a saint, and I will not remember him that way. Just who he was to me.

That's all for now- This is for Bryon-

Leftover Crack

Soon We'll Be Dead Lyrics


Soon I'll be dead, I'll lay in my bed
I've made in my years, I won't shed a tear

We're all guilty anyways
The dumb games we all play
All tarnished and scarred, when did life get so hard?

We'll drink to aulde lang syne,
With fortified wine,
We'll drink to tymes olde from pitchers of gold.

Soon we'll be dead,
To death we'll be wed,
We'll slip on the ring, it ain't a big thing

And though you may curse 'thee',
We're angels of mercy
And sometimes we fall; ya can't win them all.
(Or can you?)

I'll pass out at dawn,
And dream of friends gone.
As the morbid embrace warms over my face.

And soon we'll be dead, (Yeah, soon we'll be dead)
Our brains and our heads, (My brains and my head)
They've always forgotten, when did life get so rotten?

Soon I'll be dead,
I'll lay in my bed.
I've made in my years, I won't shed a tear

Soon we'll be dead, (Soon we'll be dead)
We'll lay in our beds, (We'll lay in our beds)
We've made in our years, we won't shed a tear.

Soon we'll be dead,
Our brains and our heads,
They've always forgotten, when did life get so rotten? (Yeah)

We won't shed a tear...

(If we leave the responsibility of tomorrow up to institutions like the World Trade Organization, the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund, we're dooming ourselves to a future of corporate feudalism and ecological catastrophe.)

Wednesday, June 18

Doop

I am taking time to blog, even though I have a messy house, and a list of things I really need to do. But I haven't written in forever- so here it goes.

Monday was my anniversary.



Second picture is to emphasize how short I am compare to my husband. See my whole face is shaded as he leans his head.




Our day of love was uneventful. Parenting comes first and we come second. Ezra was struck down with a fever, ear infection, and slight rash. His fever was climbing so we had an exciting trip to children's hospital on Friday the 13th. After five hours later we came home with an expensive antibiotic, and a grumpy child.
Let me say blood drawls and crazy folks, plus mama having a lack of dinner. Makes a crappy day-
He is better now, rash is done, fever gone, back to chipper energetic Ezra. Though some teeth are coming into his mouth, not fun-

To celebrate each other, the grandparents are watching the little tike, and were going to spend a night alone. In a hotel room (thanks US government! or we couldn't afford it-)

Other then that, I am just working, trying not to lose my sanity, and going with the flow.

Tuesday, June 10

Working Kills my blog time-

I don't have much time to write, or collect my thoughts, because I am back to the daily grind. I will try to release some of my thoughts into the cosmos's when I have a moment to myself-

Right now I am trying to keep up on housework- (sigh)

and I have been trying to get myself into better shape, and trying to work out-

It's a journey folks, see you on the flip side.

Saturday, June 7

What a day-

Or week I can say-

So life sometimes is a roller coaster. My emotional strain from the starting of this week, was mainly hormonal. The other part of my emotional strain, is from the fact that I am passive in behavior, and sometimes things just rub me the wrong way.

I have strange thoughts spewing in my head.

One is about therapy and mental health. I am not sure I like how therapy and drugs are combined. I don't know the solutions of mental health. I know I am not grade a sane. But then who really defines sanity? Don't we all chose different ways to cope with daily problems? I just don't feel as we know everything there is to know, and I don't feel like one therapist or even two can tell me, how to be me, or how to cope. After seeing a friend lose her marbles with a change of medications, one just has to wonder.

But on the other hand, I am very jaded about therapy from my own horrid experience with one. So, I guess I am not one to perscripe a good opinion about the subject.

The other thing about this week has been thinking about Bryon and the anniversary of his death. I spoke to his mom over the phone. She was and there are no other words to put this, fucked up about a year turning over. I couldn't even imagine what you feel as a mother.

Monday, June 2

I am not doing so well-

I am not feeling so well, emotionally or physically. Perhaphs my depression/anxiety is associated with hormone changes. I wish it was as simple as that. I am just at a stand point, where I need things to change. With change there were be diffculty, especially in the pocket book. But sometimes I feel as I have made major decisions based on other peoples emotions and not my own.