What a month, the last couple of weeks have been a big twisted ball of yarn.
I don’t even know where to start untwisting.
I feel like a willow tree, swaying in the wind.

Let’s start with 6-16-07

That would be the day of my first wedding anniversary.
That mornings Charles mom called, with bad news that his grandmother was unresponsive. Some dip shit doctor gave her morphine, which apparently you should not take with whatever condition she has. * note my husbands family is not the best of telling me about things.

My husband is outrage, ranting about how he’s going to burn the doctor’s house down. He tends to rant when he is angry, and spouts out some pretty random shit, that he would never act on in real life.
So we all think the worse that she’s taking her last breath, blah dee bloo da.
The good news is she is ok. They increase her dosage of oxygen that keeps us with us, take her off morphine, increase her dose of vikadoin, and she goes off to smoke a few days later
You can’t really argue with a 70 year old smoker-

So Charles is all freaked out on our anniversary. This whole day was supposed to be about our endless love. I love quotes like that because it makes me chuckle. I also think of bare chests on white ponies, taking me off to the sunset, to ravage me sweetly and tenderly.

I tell him to relax, it’s going to be ok. And we did have a great night. My mom somehow got us a super deal on this great hotel room. The nicest room I have ever said at in my life. (I really wish I knew how she got things so cheaply) it was out at Huston woods lodge. Over looking a lake. I love nature.
So we had dinner in O-town, the food was lack luster and pricey. Seriously if your going to take all the meat off the pasta, can’t you charge me a little less for it? But the rest of night was good and relaxing. I got to take a nature walk without lugging my 22 pound baby boy in the woods. We dipped our toes in the lake, held hands, looked at the stars. Drank a few drinks at the bar, and so on.

The funniest part of the night was…

When:

I left my window, 4 inches down in the back seat of the car. I also had a piece of our wedding cake. Umm stupid tradition to eat a piece of cake, that’s been freezing in a freezer for a year. So I forgot to take said piece of cake inside the hotel room. I didn’t think rolling up my windows in the middle of nowhere was a problem. You know I roll up my windows and lock my doors because of safety reasons, and I felt pretty safe. I didn’t remember that I was in the middle of the woods with furry little animals.
So when we were sleeping.
Raccoons hijacked my car, and decided to eat the cake in the backseat of the car.
So when we checked out of the hotel in the morning, there was cake crumbs everywhere. Little greasy paw prints on the window, little greasy tracks on the car. Scratches on the window.
Instead of getting mad at my own stupidity, I start laughing. I can’t get the mental pictures of raccoons barring their faces in cake, licking it off their paws, jumping around my car in a sugar high. I guess it’s a good thing I have always liked raccoons. Its also a good thing when we were looking out at a lake we saw a family of raccoons with their two little baby cubs and I am sucker for cute little furry animals.
And well there’s a lot of other things to worry about then getting some cake off the backseat with a vacuum.

So that night was the highlight of the week.

So Thursday morning when I come home for lunch, my husband was in tears. Red sirens blaring off in my head. He utters the sentence that ‘Bryon’s dead’, and I was like what? This can’t be, what, how, and what the fuck.
I have lots of words to say, but they don’t form complete sentences. I am angry at him, at myself for not doing more. But let’s face it, I didn’t know that he was addicted to heroin. Apparently he was hiding it, and hiding it well from people that were close to him.

People like how didn’t you know?
Apparently some idiot on a message board is quoting that all Bryon’s friends are junkie’s, and sit around and do drugs all day, and his friends did nothing to help them.

I personally am, *quoted from a message board)

' I am a junkie who smokes pot all day, doesn’t take care of my child, doesn’t work full time.'

my reply is:

I barely fucking drink, I don’t give a rats ass about pot because you cant overdose on it. And I don’t smoke it, so fuck off. I don’t care if you do, but don’t ever accuse me of shit- that really gets to me

Well I got pissed at that guy. (can you tell?)

I was not a friend who knew, if I knew how badly the damage was. i didnt know, and i hate the fact that i didnt know.

I would of talked to him.

But if you know addicts like I have, they only want help when they realize it’s a problem, and maybe not even then. They hide things well.

I did state my concern in the past about what I did know, to bryon personally.

i was shocked about his drug use, and I talked to his best friend about it, that he only found out two weeks ago, and Bryon wouldn’t listen.
So yeah I tend to get angry when people assume things about other people.

I don’t want to remember Bryon as what got him in the end, I want to remember him for the words he said, and the love he gave the world.
I don’t want him to be a fucking poster child of what not to do. He accomplished a whole hell of a lot, more then I have-

He loved the world a lot-

to a diffrent subject-

Anyhow we are moved into the new apartment, and I am ecstatic about our kitchen table. I just need chairs, finish unpacking our bedroom. Wash clothes and hang up my art work, and find some foaming decorations for the babies room. Then I am done, sorta, I then will have to clean everything-the cycle continues-

sorry if my words arent as beautiful as they usually are-

will be posting soon

for those few people who actually read what I have to say about the world, there will be a new blog coming up! so dont let your pants catch on fire in the mean time-

death

LORTON Bryon Christopher. Beloved Son of Peter D. Lorton and Shelli R. Lorton (Dave Spellmeyer); True Love of Anne Sawyer; Best friend of Alex Sowma; Grandson of Dennis and Sandy Arszman and William and Eleanor Lorton; Great Grandson of Gertrude L. Browning and the late Eugene C. Browning; Nephew of Carrie (Jamie) Bibee, Vicki (Bob) Corbett; Great Nephew of Marjorie Bauer, Jim and Lynn Poynter, Robert and Sharma Browning. Left our lives but not our hearts on June 20, 2007 at the age of 23. Bryon was Xavier University Graduate 2006, Editor-in-Chief of the Xavier Newswire 2005-2006 and an established poet and writer. He is also survived by many other family and friends. Lovey, you are and always will be, my everything. Memorials can be made to the Bryon C. Lorton Memorial Fund for Aspiring Student Journalists and Writers through Xavier University. Visitation will be held at Paul R. Young Funeral Home, 7345 Hamilton Ave., Mt. Healthy Monday, June 25 from 5 to 8 P.M.; Graveside Service will be Tuesday, June 26 at Oak Hill Cemetery at 10:15 A.M. Condolences may be sent to www.paulyoungfuneralhome.com

For Now

I actually have a real journal entry coming soon, but for now, this can tie you over-

From my friend Becky's blog-



What were you doing 10 years ago? I was a Junior in High School. I just starting driving a car. I was in love with my high-school sweet heart. I drank a lot coffee, unfortantly started smoking (which i have now quit). did a lot of art projects.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
One year ago today I was on my Honeymoon with My husband at Nigra Falls!

Five snacks you enjoy:1. Chips and Dip 2. Anything that taste good with salad dressing 3. Spinach/Artichoke Dip4. Anything chocolate 5. Tomato's


Five songs that you know all the lyrics to:1. Hurt by Nine Inch Nails 2.Twinkle Twinkle Little Star 3. Cornflake Girl by Tori Amos 4. This my land, this your land 5: Elmo's world (don't know if this is a real song, but it gets stuck in my head all the time)


Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:1. By my own home2. Help all the little animals and buy the shelters- Add to this a No Kill Shelter 3: Start my own non-profit art center in a love income commuinty, 4. Buy my own personal green house 5: invest it, and make more money


Five bad habits:1. Not screwing the caps on tight enough 2: Over crictizing myself 3. Eating too many sweets 4. Procastinating 5. Not always speaking up for myself


Five things you like doing:1. Doing Artsy things .2. Trying diffrent types of food 3. Playing with my little boy4. Walking/hiking 5. Playing poker


Five things you would never wear again:1. Raver Pants 2. 80's glitter tee shirts 3. Candy Braclets 4. my white hippie skirt that makes me look like a mental patient 5: sadly a 2 peice bikni


Five favorite toys:1. Art Brushes/ Art Supply . My digital camera3: Adobe Photoship 4. WII 5.?

Nothing Much

Going on-

I have a job interview after work today, crosses fingers, and says a little prayer--

I have to get some supplies for my scuplture class tomorrow-

and i am still packing up boxes-

tis is all-

i feel like me again!

last summer i was very pregnant, very hot, and very could not fit in any of my clothes. i had to pack away all my cute little sun dresses, my tank tops, fun skirts. short pants- and i cried a lot when i did this. i was packing away myself. as much as i tried, i couldn't find 'mama' clothes that fitted my personallity-so i suffered
after about seven months i am almost to the size i once was, so i am returning back to who i once was (shorta i still have to dress business casual at work)

moving--

Moving-

When I move I purge things, I recycle my old, go through my little collections. Find things that are dusty, old, and perhaps never used. I look through if it’s need in the here and now. I don’t throw out a lot, but a few pieces are purged, removed. Sometimes I erase them from my memory.
One Buddha said to another, live in the here and now, not in the past, not in the future, but in the now moment. I tend to keep that as my motto.
My memory is not greatest. There are a few things in my life, I just wanted to forget, there are a few moments, I wanted to remember every moment, every second, and I just couldn’t- I again put people, places, ideas, in chapters in the book inside my head. But the color’s change, moods move through me. It’s like sitting and watching clouds go by on a warm spring day. Thus your always moving, changing, rebuilding, and decaying.

Reading my old journals, looking through my photographs, and bumping into a very old friend, in a local coffee shop, have brought on a lot of these reflection thoughts.
My questions are why is one person more significantly important then another? I guess why is one bond stronger then another? Why is one memory more potent then another memory?

On my last girls night out-
A friend asked a question of us, that still echos’ in the cavities of my minds eye.
The question was, ‘when we became friends, did you foresee or think we would be friends this long?”
Along with that question she asked, ‘are there people that you thought you would be friends with, that your not just very close to?”

Well lets answer number one. My truthful answer I didn’t know. There were moments in that period of time, where I tried to break free of everything I knew, everyone I knew, every taste and sound.
But my friend got on surf board with me, and help me balance on the rocky ocean that sometimes is my life
But I still feel as we became better friends though out the years.
Such as I can come to her house, looking like hell. (I have done this) be sobbing, mad or angry. And she’s not going to think any less of me, she’s not going to think I am a bad mom, person, human being, and she’s not going to judge me, or gab to another friend about my personal conflictions.
I think I know pieces of her that very few people do, and I hope that she feels like she can confine in me-
And that she thinks I am a safe enough person to watch her son, and doesn’t feel like I am abusing her when I ask her to watch my kido-
(I worry about things like this) and so on and so forth-I hope she knows that I would do the same for her, and don’t judge her abilities as a human being- J
she’s a great friend, and I am lucky to have her- and it still gives me the giggles, when my husband thinks that she’s pretty tame.
(if he only knew, wink)

Anyway to the second questions, yes there are a few people who I thought I would be closer with.
And there are a few people who are very significant memories, and override memories of others.

So I guess I would ask the same questions that my friend did of me? Who are the significant people in your life? Are there any people you thought would be significant and are not?

Back the bumping into an old ‘friend’- this old friend I think I spent a few significant moments with in my youth. And it kinda got under my skin he didn’t recognize my face. Physically do I look that much different? Am I getting old? I know I put on a few pounds, but there almost gone? Did he not notice me, because I wasn’t significant to him? Or did he want me to just fade into the background? And why am I putting any stock in this???
Can you see where my brain pathways go?

What I gather in our strange 5 min conversation is that in base he is still the same person he always has been.
Thus do you stay true to your original nature through out your life?
Ok, enough for now, I could go on all day, but I should at least like I am working-

June the busy month

We will be moving this month- tends to occupy most of my free time-

thus that is where i will be-

lots of intresting and werid things have happened these last few days

and you have the whole story of why i am moving-

but must be written another day-