cutest baby in the universie

The cutest baby in the universe is Ezra. Yes, I am allowed to say that because I am his mom. But it doesnt matter where we go, he always has women swooning over him.
We had the best night last night! even though i can get a metal for being a bad mama. Ok not really, but I do have the tendency to fall asleep with him when we are cuddling. Which I did last night after laying with him while listening some enya. Who i have listen to forever. It was just so sweet and peaceful. and i am always careful about blankets, and la dee do da! and we were on the couch! I guess I am tired of feeling gulity for doing things that I find complety natural and good, like cuddling. Yes I have nightmares about rolling over him, etc, etc. I also tend to wake up a million times a night, and he always ends up in his bed. Yes his bed is still in our room, no i am not ready to move him to his crib in the other room. I know the room is oh about ten steps, but I love to know that his still breathing, and umm he still wake up every night around 330-430 in the morning, and even though its ten steps away, it a long ten steps away.
Oh I would like to mention I am tired of mothers bragging about how they got their baby to sleep the whole night long when there were a month old! I think 6-7 hours of straight sleep is pretty good for a 3month old baby who is breastfed! I guess i get sick of this little voice in my head that nags that I am doing something wrong. He does sleep a little longer each night, and I am surely freaking out a little less, and sleep a little bit better.

I think I am in a better mood then I was yesterday- the dh is home tonight, so maybe ill get to paint, and get some stuff together so i can sell stuff on ebay at work (yes i am totally naughty).

Its starting to smell like animal fat burning! I hate working right by a soap company!

Blob

I Feel like a 'Fat Blob' I know in reality I do not take much room.
That I really should stop obsessing on my weight, and physical appearance.
I know I am not Obese, but I have a little 'cushion for the pushing'

I enjoy my weekends, but there never seems to be enough time in the day. Saturday was a major disappointment. Weather sucks balls! our car defrost decided not to work, so we never venture out to dave and busters. I enjoy being a silly ass six year old, it only takes one fruity drink, and I would be jumping in the ball pit. (it really doesn't take a fruity drink, I naturally would jump in a ball pit). There was a line wherever we decided to go, I lost my glasses in a big puddle of rain, and I had earth shaking cramps! so, it was a let go. I get tired of planning life, sometimes I just want to live it.

Sunday was pretty relaxing though, and i needed it. It was nice to see good friends, and watch a stupid movie.

Monday Zombie Post

I really hate Monday mornings, even if I had an Iv full of caffeine in my blood, I still wouldn't be awake. I am a walking zombie.
While driving into work today, I really can't remember if I looked to turn out the drive. There have be a million times, where I become robotic while driving. Into my little bubble of thinking, and I go on auto pilot.

I just really cant form my hands to type coherent sentences-

Another Case of the Bobble Heads

I guess some people would consider myself as spiritual person, maybe describe me as 'earthy'.

In theory I pretend to move away from the notion of self. I guess what I am getting at is, I don't feel as I am very self centered. This doesn't mean that I can't be self centered. For I know we as human beings are constricted to our own senses. I can never truly feel the feelings of another person. But I don't think the whole wide world revolves around me, and I am the most important person in it.



Today I feel like I am surrounded by people who's 'head' is bigger then their own body.



Onto another subject we are in the market for another apartment. I wish things were settled and we could buy a home. We have two years for that. It seems every where we move into, the landlord turns out to be a big dick. Again why do people have to go on these big power trips?



I guess it boils down to the sense of ownership- But the question I would like to pose is can we really own anything????

a tid for tat

Boobs, tits, breasts, knockers! As I walk around the floors of work, I notice the people who say HI to me in the halls are all men. They aren't looking up at my face, but down at my chest. I forgot that breasts are so 'eye pleasing'! As nursing mother I don't view my breasts as sexual. I see them simply as a food source. But at least they take away from the jiggle roll my stomach!
My breasts never have been a topic of conversation, in till they tripled in size.

Thoughts of today

Well this is my first Blog entry. I have a lot of time on my hands since I went back to work. Work- What exactly is work? I been racking my brain trying to find a purpose. Yes I need to justify a purpose to my self, other then the obvious one- I climb up a chain of theoretical reasons on why I am here, and why I do what I do- and the answers that I seek are somewhat bleak-
We all know that I wasn't meant for the corporate world, But here I sit. Pretending that I am a type A personality and I color inside the lines, and not out. Which is far from the truth.

Right now to me everyone is appearing to be a bobble head. With little tiny feet.

I am lacking a source of creative expression. With a little one, it's hard to get down and dirty and be artistic. A part of my personality feels compromised. Though I have learn from becoming a mother that the sense of self has fallen and faded. You are completely bonded to this being, that navigates your day at home. As it learns, you re-learn many lessons that you forgot that you hold dear. How a simple smile can make your day brighter, how blowing spit bubbles can be so damn amusing. You realize that life is fragile but at the same time strong.

Because I am not an A type personality I tend to think outside of the box. I have a theory of past lives, sometimes I feel that my child has lived through something before?! perhaps I need to seek therapy- or maybe the maternal instinct comes out, and I realize all the billion things that could harm my child- Maybe its a little bit of the both- or perhaps to keep myself entertained I seek for things that are unusual-

Well my ass is about to fall asleep in this chair- seriously this is number one reason why americans are so over weight all the do is sit! they dont have to walk to catch a train, they can use im to email their co-workers, and they are far from forging out in nature for their food. gardening becomes a hobby-

since is mid to late febuary-there is a lack of fresh veggies, and i really crave good food- I am also really excited about cooking because I just bought a new cookbook, and I am a total nerd!

So I think Ezra and I might make a trip to Jungle Jims- Though

It's very dangerous when I go shopping there- Even if I have a list at hand-