testing

I am taking a few online test's to get a good direction on what I really want to focus on when I go back to school. Yes I am going back to school. No not Grad school because I really don't want to focus on the subject matter I choose in my four year. But to a two year trade school, so I can have a direct focus, and I will have choose one with a good Co-op program, and that's really why I am going. This is a big step for me. Focusing-

So, really the first 300 question test, didn't really tell me anything new.
Here are the results- I think I need to fine one more specific!

EVOKATEUR™ Thinking Style of Strength

• They are the most creative individuals and often the oddest.
• They generally conduct their everyday living with seeming detachment.

"For them, being peculiar is more than nature, it is necessity. As north IS, as south IS, Evokateurs ARE the most unusual beings on the planet, bar none. These ones must be peculiar in order to fulfill their life purpose. In everyday life, they generally choose spectator seats or assume sideline positions rather than join others in the fray, play, and decision-making. They prefer the rich fantasies and swirling tapestries of their own chimera to outer world reality, and often conduct their living with a detached remoteness that's less than normal but more than aloof. It's difficult for others to comprehend a world within a world, far less comprehend those who have one. Who among can imagine an internal reality that's more intimate, more satisfying and fulfilling than the reality we know as world and call home — but it is so, for Evokateurs. There's a good reason for Evokateur oddness. It's the uniform most commonly worn by greatness." ...

ISIONARY™ Working Style of Strength

• They are driven to do something significant in their lifetime.
• They aspire to being recognized/remembered for their achievements.

"Visionary is a born leader, as well as a card-carrying member of the workaholic club. Even among that select group, theirs is often the more serious affliction. These are the big-picture visionaries. The ones whose eyes are so firmly focused on the future that they hardly notice today's mud at their feet. "Brainstorming" and "think tanks" are typical workplace innovations of theirs and reflective of their intellectual curiosity and people-propensity. This is the strength of intuitive-intellect. A Visionary approach to all and to life is standout different. Leadership is their natural role. They delegate well and handle problems of project, personnel and process efficiently. They are known to be tough, meaning inflexible about poor job performance (their own and others'). When it comes to taking chances, Visionary leads the world; but then, they do have that ace up their sleeve: intuition. Others may consider them extraordinarily bold risk-takers. Their own opinion differs. When emotion gives the nod, Visionary sees it as considerably riskier to ignore their own truth in favour of logic, and much less rewarding." ...

EMPATH™ Emoting Style of Strength

• Their emotions bubble over easily and unexpectedly.
• They may confuse being used with being needed.

"Ranked among the most powerful of the 14 core ANSIR® Styles, Empath is endowed with an incredible gift: emotion-acuity that is second-to-none. This innate skill and ability are necessary as their purpose and message can alter man, world and future upon delivery. They are purely emotional beings. Most do not realize how powerful they are, or how destructive they can be. As children, when teased and/or taunted for being a cry baby, Empath begins to mask their feelings. When they begin to speak, they may mask their thoughts as well. Before they talked, they knew more or less what others were thinking and wanting, and often responded before words were spoken. When they learn to speak, they also learn what "good," "bad" and "worst" feels like. Good is when others like what they say; bad is when they don't; and worst is when others get angry. It shakes their faith in their ability to understand, when loved and trusted others tell them with words what they feel is not right. They become reactionary chameleons, expert at fitting themselves into whatever mood-mold pleases and, thus, beginning what will become an Empath trait, "tell them what they want to hear." ...

I have

Mommy issues steaming from my own childhood, something I need to work on.

Cutting off

My other leg, so it's impossible for me to escape my hobbit hole.
I have realized that i once again don't do well in a social settings.

A: I don't think people like me, i know this isn't true, most lies in my lack of self cofidence.
B: words can be misconstruted, something I have known for a while, but it sucks when it hurts.
C: I have books to read, and hobbys i pushed on the back corner.
D: and i don't communicate as well as I like, I am not seeking attention, seriously.

I just really need to focus, on focusing, i know this sounds stupid, but i get pretty overwhelmed by things pretty easily.

So thats what i am doing, you might want to drag me out of my hole, but I have decided to work on real in person relationships, and not avoid them, and shy away from electronic verse communication. theres so much more when you can hear a tone, or see body language. and i miss that, so other then my journal, if you know me, call me.

lots of stuff

has been going on, not a lot of time to write it all down.

we celebrated Charles birthday this weekend, and had a fun time. I think getting away from regular day life is good every once in a while.

I am seriously debating on going back to school.

I start back at my old job tomorrow and not looking that froward to it.

seems that ezras bedtime keeps on getting later and later these days, with little me time at night.

lots of thoughts spinning, hope to get back to witting soon.

little moments

Its the little things that matter the most.

my little thing of today is when i was putting Ezra to bed, he gave me kisses when I said I loved him.

Aww

disembodied

its been a week, of slight depression, change and adapting. My change just seems to be a circle that isn't going anywhere very fast. I have been trying to push forward, and feel like i am only pushed back again, onto the same spot, on the same path. because i have a family and when i take a blow, I have to step to the plate again, and do things only for financial reasons. such as going back to my 'old' job, at an 'old familiar place', a place that i really don't want to go back to again, but there are bills to be paid, diapers to be purchased, milk to buy.
I really thought that I was going to get ahead, a ha there's that slinky depression coming back in my brain. I will get a head, I always come back on top, even if I have to go to the bottom again.
It's a election year, I can take my 'old job' till something pans out, and I already have had a few calls. so something will improve, I will feel like I have some 'worth'.
ill manage a calender and check email starting on weds again, yawns.

but my self imposed therapy tonight was painting. i stuck with three colors, that make a bout a million shades. I picked an aqua blue, a red, and white. Then I got out my economy gesso, and painted disembodied human forms on two canvasses. they are broken, fixed, human, but not. they are strange shapes, man and woman, thought and thinker. colors bending into a soup of a strange purples, light pinks, violent reds, bright shiny white.
I don't know why i am feeling these forms? is it me on a canvass or my imagination? for one painting had drips of other color's, a yellow of a strange moon, a green of dark glen, a red of a thistle, and the other just white and empty, with another strange blue female body, sitting and looking and me, saying 'please paint me a companion on this lonely canvass'

i know i will re-work these. my happy fish painting is almost done though, just a few more touches and it will be ready for ezra's room. I can't take credit for the fish for its a painting composed by two artists. :)

some lyrics

that suit my mood

The dreams of dying mothers
I awoke my insides shuddered
The grey coats of the infantry
Victims looking for sympathy
The splash of october swimmers
The cheers of helsinki winners
My barbed bones of futility
Leaking marrow of ability

things i think about while taking a bath

baby boomer's and social security debt. The baby boomer's' are starting to hit retirement age. thus collecting social security, they predict that the system will be cashed out, for there are not be enough tax payers to cover the system. one hidden solution to this, is to create more tax payers, by a. either immigration, or b. create more tax payers of the future.

i.e i think there is a baby boom right now-

my solution just legalize the illegals. i know not as simple as a and b, but why can't it?

i wonder if there are going to be high rises of the old in the sky?

my thoughts seem a lot less cluttered and made a lot more sense before i wrote them down

it must be sunday

caught in traffic

I feel caught in traffic. Like a small vessel trying to find my way, as cars fly by at light speeds. If I go to fast, I will not be able to see where I am going. If I go to slow I will be hit by both sides.

My lights are on, as I hover, trying to find my pace, trying to sweep away the cobwebs that are growing inside the chambers of my inner doors.

There's a widow spider inside my brain, she is not black but blue, triggering nerons to act in mysterious way upon this cold morning.

On another note in the hidden moments of my car rides to and from work, I tend to listen to 'girl' music. I really love the sound, and the meaning of this song. Though the meaning of the song doesn't relate to this current moment in my life, it permemates back to a girl I once knew.

"Almost Lover"

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind

ImagesYou sang me Spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me

Images

And when you left you kissed my lips

You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy

To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

grind me up

the daily grind has over come my time, grind me up baby one more time.

god that sounds like a bad Brittany spears' song.



i feeling a tad emotional and hormonal this week-



after hearing a story on NPR on a British report conducted on how many civilian deaths have gone under way in Iraq, I think this is an appropriate picture.

I hate laundry

I hate it-

the end

Just another Sunday

Song for this week- Fade into you by Mazzy Star

Have a minute to write as my boys are taking a nap, or in case of 'Pa' still sleeping from last night.
I awoke this morning at 6:30 am with Ezra throwing up on my head, ah the life of mother.
Good news we have day care squared away, i.e there was a moment where I thought we would have to find someone new, because of our financial place. Yes this new year, Mama got an 'adult job'
So maybe this year or next- next year the year Charles goes into grad school, big decisions will happen. the problem with an adult job, is that it's not as flexible too, run across the country. Unless Charles can bring in double my income, I will not be leaving the grand state of Ohio anytime soon. thinking to far ahead, what i was trying to say maybe we will go into the sour home market, and find a place...who knows, one can dream..

I had something fun to say..I did or at least I thought I did..

This picture is how I am thinking, and feeling for today- Did not take it because my camera needs to go to the shop after getting apple juice spilled on it...

my name is not

Terri, Karen, Mary, Kalia-

It's Carrie!

first post of the new year

So yeah I missed a few days to say Happy New Year! It's 08! Election year, and the Iowa Primary is going down. I have never voted in a party, for I don't want a little R or D next to my name. I am not a die hard democrat nor am I close to a republican, even though this year a little odd because I really do like one of the Republican Candidates, can you take a wild guess which one? Can you? Yeah it's that candidate that voted against the Patriot act!
and his name is Ron Paul...

In my office which is Union, Its Edwards city, I am more of the little guy, I would love to turn our government more like the Eu system.. But that's not going to happen anytime soon, so my ideas are on the back burner, much like personality lately. I am still in deprogramming mode, where I am use to having my actions watched...
What I really would like to get involved in is getting the specific Union members to go out and vote, that's what I really know how to do and how to organize, but atlas I am that ackward computer girl, who grab someone's job who left mysteriously, working under people my father and yeah close to grandmother's age...so granted i am a little out of place..

and christ i look like a battered woman, my face is scratch from Ezra's hands, its broken out in a million pimples, my winter clothes all need washed...and theres just not enough time in the day anymore to complete my tasks.. oh the life of an adult!

but let's hope that this year is golden, Last year was freaking hard. I lost two great people. I went through the stress wire with jobs and marriage. I love my partner but it's diffrent being married and having a child, something changes, it's good, sometimes bad, sometimes i feel like somedays i have two little boys to take care of, and sometimes i just want to be selfish, and i am not a very selfish person, I am just still figuring it all out-

hope this year is great for all of my peeps!

please comment so i know someone still reads my life and my possiblity