its been a while-

So Ezra's birthday came and went. His party was successful, he got a ton of gifts, people seem to have a good time, the kiddies had fun, everyone left with a full belly-. I am not good with small talk with adults, so I spent most of the time watching how many kids could fit and jump on a twin bed.
I am quite proud at the success of this party, since most things I plan tend to be disorganized. My only breeder mistake was making angel food cake, not so good. But strawberry cake with cherry icing is a delightful mix-

on retrospect, I hate small talk, I think I could go a day and not say many or any words. Is it a quirk, a lack of communication skills, or the fact that I am happy with silence? that's for the psychologist to figure out, and me to ponder on..

perhaps my quiet nature, is why my son is not a word rambler? again another question for a psychologist to answer.

but i do communicate i just rather do it visually even if visually means typing on a screen, you can see it, maybe too much is said with body language or the analysis of what you think someone is saying with their body, oh interpretation.

Christmas is coming soon, my other half is trying to convince me to put up a tree...
I like decorations, but for those who don't know I don't like how Christmas turns into this material sickness, formatted around the christian right.
Please don't feel insulted, I feel that we all should believe in whatever, and if that is baby jesus, go for it. but baby jesus isn't for me, and i don't need to be saved, and yes gays should marry, and on the abortion issue it should be left up to the woman, but never used for birth control-
but i do belive in what the majority of americans call 'god', this again is not a word i associate with the diety and dieities swimming in my head. but there is a creator much more noble then any book, and perhaphs he did have a son, and perhaphs he was jesus, but man was on this planet way before...so the whole jesus born on this day, is jus a story.

I hate parties

I am not classic breeder. I don't like themes, streamers, or invitations.
Pushing myself to be social, so my wee one, can run with other children is a pain.
Next year I am going to take him to bowling alley and do bumper bowling, and it will be hilarious.
the end.

Permanence

Permanence I realize is something that I run from, or have run from.
I am now in a state of revolving permanence. My parents will always be my parents, even when they pass, my son will always been my son, and the man I married will always be a man I married.
for a long time I ran from this concept, a permanent being, not settling down, being wild, being independent, having little attachments to friends, even at points my family. A part of this running was anger towards my parents that I couldn't express. I was not mature enough to understand, *and granted there are things i will never get*, nor mature enough to forgive and realize they are just people.
I have started to forgive, I have started to cope.
I still get anxious, anxious there are no clear paths that point to a clear free break to the exit. There is no absolution. Now clear path to freedom, that I now have bonds that would hurt to much for me to ever break.
Sometimes that feeling is crushing, for I long for the taste of the feeling of nothingness, of being no-one, with out responsibilities.
I have lived in that moment, and looked at myself, and my very fragile ties to outside world, and felt absolutely alone, for a moment I cherished it, but loneliness is bitter.
So I apologize to my mother for my wicked Independence, but hope she understands it's just me.
I apologize for my husband for sometimes for my distance, and my anxiety.
being alone sometimes puts fire on the flame.

Excuse me he's only turning 2

the end, he's not turning 3, he's turning 2, he may be as tall as 4 year old, but no just really turnign 2.

Get this out of my head!

This is the background song that sticks in my head...

Boowa and Kwala : The Singalong Lingalong Birdie Song

Doesn't help that every morning Ezra request the singalong lingalong birdie song.

Edward Sissor Hands

through genetics, my son has inherited the curls I had as a small child. Maybe one day when I have energy, Ill hook up the scanner and do some comparison pictures.

Here's a image of his curls.

He was the poster child for the Arian race, blue eyes, golden blond hair.

After the 22nd time of Ezra being called a girl, I decided it was time for a cut. So I Edward scissor hands, cut most of his beautiful locks. Not very easy to tame curly hair, on a almost two year old sitting in the tub, but alas I didn't do such a horrid job, and even got a compliment.

Don't worry his hair is much like mine, and grows at a very fast rate. Hopefully it will be full through out his life time, and he will inherit my father's hair line. I miss his curls' but a few still poke out from sides, and now he's just a handsome little man.

I am having emotional difficulties planning his second birthday. I am not sure I will ever bare another child, so, it's hard for me to see that my baby, is no longer one, and more of an explorer of this odd world.

He's a great kid, he's full of energy and life, and does take time to smell the roses, time to try to catch a butterfly. He like any child, can try a patience. But I have a river of it. I am not the type of mom who is strick, and demands obedience, this might bite me in the ass one day. But I realize jumping, and climbing is a part of discovery. I am not a control freak, my child will walk with me in the store (always in eye site), As nice it would be if sat silently in a cart, but that's not his personality, nor is it mine. I always had an Independence streak, and feel that it's needed for growth and individual thought later down the line. I am trying to prepare him for a life, where you might have to rely on your own self. But be kind to others, and don't be afraid to ask for help.

He's going to get scratches and bruises.

But I am also a teacher. Holding hands in parking lots a must, being in my line of view a must, I freak when I can't see him on a play set, but at the same time I don't want to be overwhelming, parenthood is a hard mix of what's right, and we all do it differently.

I am rambling..