Tuesday, March 25

Poetry and free verse

I wrote some poems and a free verse (free stream thought) today-

Faces falling inside empty places
aren't we all just rats in cages?
pillars of mass destruction, Landmarks of man's corruption
further away, increasingly still from original grace

i find myself between here and no where
vision obstructed, mind cluttered, shuddering inside
an empty dancer's body, trapped behind movie star eyes

false complexity, solar cars
driving fast, downhill path
wondering where I can Spread
butter on Rye?

stepping stones, broken earth
washing, churning, singing lul-a-byes
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Poem 2

Impress to decompress
my loneliness
wondering from here
I dare to share
wondering where and when
I decided to compare
now and then

------------------------------
My free Verse

Madness
hours wasted for dollar story
consumer pick up
red lining
super frail underlay
pink felt
moons dreams
and silence
oh wasted time
dreams
talent, inspiration
dual process converter
save me from mundane
moments and twilight goodbyes
i threw you to the sea
let go of those strings
oh
shoe strings..
ties that have came undone
black lace
youth splintered
dew graves on Christmas morning
blanket electricity silent vultures pray on flesh awaken
sweet child, to my murderous melody
that is revenge, torn angel
hesitation
first kiss, park bench next to thistle and red daisy hue
who are we to seek how? and ask
what if this, what is this?
and who are we?
can you save me
float along a cloud
in the spring
i remember the smell of day lilies and dog wood-

dancing masks swing bench
churn bucket-
let me...
just be--
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I never claimed I was a good writer, but hey it's me, if your reading then I guess you must suffer-

Monday, March 24

its been a while

just been watching a few movies, and procrastinating on getting my school stuff ready. must focus. that's my goal this week!
I watched 'Into the Wild' tonight, it was beautiful film, that made me remember my days on the road, and that girl who was or couldn't be domesticated. she still lives inside of me, i think a part of my depression is that it's hard for me to hit the road, and look inside for self discovery.
I thought the movie had a lot of insight, even though it was quite depressing towards the end.
I have been on a depressing movie kick- last night I watch the 'feast of love'. sounds like a happy date movie? no, it's not a happy go lucky movie. i won't spoil the films, but both made me think about family, life, and about the great all mighty being/beings.

my songs for today are 'no rain' by blind melon, and 'rambling man' by the allman brothers band.

side note, ezra has figured out how to turn on and off the sound for record player, and the allman brother's record was on! and he did a little gig, made this mama who doesn't belong in this time period proud :)

Thursday, March 13

Ramble on Rambling Man-

Ramble on rambling man, through the cliffs and valleys of this great land.

I am not a poet- my rhymes have no reason.

emm...yeah-

it's been a strange road that I have been traveling on lately. my goal is still to learn how to focus, keep track of what I need to get done, to go ahead. I am working on it, and working on myself.

i am going to hang my fish painting, even though in my eyes is it not done. i had my great of thought of letting ezra finish it when he gets older. i guess i am hoping that he likes art as much as mama does.

i have decided none of my art is finished, and all needs re-working. i repainted a canvass tonight with gesso and blue paint. I am also working on my blue woman, who's on a blue background. i have decided to give her facial and body structure in yellow and purple. hopefully will finish it sometime this weekend, maybe tomorrow evening?
then it's to work on my face, that i can't quite get out of my head...
then my last big canvass i am going to paint like my coffee table, an odd version of starry night.
I guess i am just in my damn blue period. blue calms me.

Just Smile all the time.

Thursday, March 6

Things that make me laugh

Girl At Jimmy Johns Sub Place
"I always order a pickle with my sandwich, but I have them cut it into quarters so I don't look like a big whore eating it."

In other news I am sickly, and it might snow this weekends so our date night might be cancelled :(

Sunday, March 2

here and now

Sometimes everything seems so false. How I present myself to the world, and then the world around me.

There are moments where I wish I was young again. Moments where I could go back, and figure out what that moment actually meant. So I can view myself, from a third party perspective.

But now I am no longer ‘young’.

Now my past is just fragments. Those fragments are more pasted into each other when I find a puzzle piece, or interact with a person from that time period. But its never solid. I only remember parts of people. I’ve been trying to sort out my past, trying to figure out who I am.

As I sit back, I realize that doesn’t matter. The past is only a part, but not the whole. Since I am always changing in the now, so is my perspective of the past.

As Buddha says, it’s only about the here and now. Live In the moment.

That’s hard.

Live in the moment, were the words that I was trying to conquer up to my husband. I was trying to explain why I have very little patience with ‘suicidal tendencies’. But my lack of verbal skills, made me feel as I was a broken record that kept on spinning.

In truth, I no longer understand the desire to bring the end to life. I once did. But no longer, I have to be strong for another.

In this thought process, I do not always understand what some would label ‘mental illness’. I don’t understand the though process of letting life go.

In truth I do not spill my personal garbage out there in cyber space. Everyone has a dark side. We are all flawed. I don’t want pity or judgment from a viewer’s eye.

But I struggle with understand the ‘darkness’ of another. It’s hard for me to separate myself away from ‘illness’, and realize that I am not a part of the problem. I struggle.

In the here and now, I need to learn how to forgive my mother. If I forgave my father, why is it so hard to forgive her?