here and now

Sometimes everything seems so false. How I present myself to the world, and then the world around me.

There are moments where I wish I was young again. Moments where I could go back, and figure out what that moment actually meant. So I can view myself, from a third party perspective.

But now I am no longer ‘young’.

Now my past is just fragments. Those fragments are more pasted into each other when I find a puzzle piece, or interact with a person from that time period. But its never solid. I only remember parts of people. I’ve been trying to sort out my past, trying to figure out who I am.

As I sit back, I realize that doesn’t matter. The past is only a part, but not the whole. Since I am always changing in the now, so is my perspective of the past.

As Buddha says, it’s only about the here and now. Live In the moment.

That’s hard.

Live in the moment, were the words that I was trying to conquer up to my husband. I was trying to explain why I have very little patience with ‘suicidal tendencies’. But my lack of verbal skills, made me feel as I was a broken record that kept on spinning.

In truth, I no longer understand the desire to bring the end to life. I once did. But no longer, I have to be strong for another.

In this thought process, I do not always understand what some would label ‘mental illness’. I don’t understand the though process of letting life go.

In truth I do not spill my personal garbage out there in cyber space. Everyone has a dark side. We are all flawed. I don’t want pity or judgment from a viewer’s eye.

But I struggle with understand the ‘darkness’ of another. It’s hard for me to separate myself away from ‘illness’, and realize that I am not a part of the problem. I struggle.

In the here and now, I need to learn how to forgive my mother. If I forgave my father, why is it so hard to forgive her?