so tired

I am so tired, but I decided to set some time out to write at the end of the day. so please excuse me now, if there is a lack of captalization, i swear hitting the shift key is just to damn hard, and this blog doesnt make any sense.
i took ezra pie to the doctor's yesterday, fun stuff. i am always reminded, not to ever let him touch the toys in the doctors office. it's amazing how drippy green nose snot bugger kids have enough energy to play. this mom sat her nine month year old daughter, with a green snot bugger nose on the carpet, and i was like ewww..i dont know when i became so concerned with germs. but em..
so he has an upper resptory bug, that been going though cinni, i always wonder where he got the bug. a part of me wants to put him in a bubble, i.e I dread doctor's, and I fear hospitals. since i already gained five years sitting with him at one.
i guess i am still amazed, at how important he his to me, a lot changes when your a mama.
so i am going try not to freak out riding in the car to michicgan next weekend. i been having very tiny anxiety attacts in motor vechiles lately. i just hate not driving, and i hate driving. i just dont trust other people on the road, and i think once your turn 65, you should be tested every 6months to keep your damn license. apparently the edlerly can just turn out of drives when ever they feel like it, and it's just dangerous going out of your house from 10-2 on a weekday. i also think theres a cult of old people that gather at grocrey stores..they line up their shopping carts, which have 5 items, to chat and gossip.
i am done being a temp, done, i still working, but i am placing sending out my resume like crazy. i am in a werid pickle, i need to work, but umm i need a real job, and lets face it there never going to pave my road in goal, and give me the benefits, so i am done, these two weeks have been so fucking frustrated, waiting just waiting, err..but i am back to work scanning documents and creating data bases, i am to smart, and i am bored...and i dont know how to use my degree, and i am stuck in cinni till charles graduates from college, and then we will see...
i have lots of skills, but fuck it, i just am a lost puppy at 25, with a baby, and a husband, and so forth and so forth, and so on, and so on..
did i say i am tired, when will my child sleep through the night, he wakes up at 2:30 almost on the dot, and then at 5ish to cuddle with mommy- i half awake sleep with him till 6ish and then i get ready for work- its hard, i wish i was a millionaire, or we could afford for me to work part time- so i did get a call for a interview, i will be calling back at work in the bathroom making that appointment hoping that it will be real and not some marketing scam...
i hate money, i hate captalisim, i hate the fact that i am to tired to spell check this, and i am going to publish it any old ways-
fuck it-
i am real, this is real, it seem like there are so many fake people in the world painting their faces, pretending that there lives are pefect, and they are perfect, even the rich have problems. i am proud i made it though college with out a student loan, i am proud all our bills are paid, and i dont have a credit card max up, i dont owe anything to anyone, but i am poor- but i dont need material things, ezra has plenty of clothes (sorta) he out growing everything, and i have to go ask for more from my loving family of friends or go purchase them...he has tons of toys, smiles when he sick- i am sad he doesnt have a yard, that i dont ever feel like i have enough time with him- i wish we were settled in a house, but i have a husband in college, and were making it- i just want his life to be better then what i grew up in- which it is- he doesnt have a neglectful mother who cant handle all the stress, because her partner/husband works all the time, and is semi abusive (my early years of a childhood, their relationhip got better when i turn 13) neither of us are addicted to illegal drugs, though charles still smokes...i dont drink to get drunk, my husband has never beat me, my house is pretty clean- i am doing ok- i am mentally stable for the most part, i my moments of depression, usually steaming from i am a failure at 25, and my carrer is not lined in gold..i sometimes have burst of anxiety i think this is from becoming a mother, if something would happen to me, i am sure all the pecies would fall a part, and hell i want to watch my little boy grow up- i am in love with my husband, he doesnt cheat on me, isnt a total asshole, and isnt my whole fucking world.
that really gets me, how people get so chain to their mate, it consumes them, and they have no personallity, its like they cant decided what to eat for breakfast, to have or not to have cereal in the morning with out thier husbands/wife permission, oh it makes me sick. i always want to think on my own, i love charles dearly, but i am his wife not him...i like my time when hes at work, i need my breaks, i need to feel like i can breath, and then i love it when i am scared in the middle of the night and hes their to hold me, and even though its so annoying that he never puts his bowl in the sink, if he ever left me i would dearly miss that-but i am still a person, family is very important to me, but i still like to have my own opinions, have my own sense of style, and my own damn thoughts....................................................
ok i am done, sorry for all the miss spellings
me