Well I am regressing back in hiding mode. I have been in a zombie state lately, trying to figure out what to do, where to go, with my normal feelings of being restless. Still battling the self esteem demons, of do I have any friends, do people really like me? And wondering if that really matters? Or is just human behavior that wants me to assimilate into the tribe structure, that is broken, and perhaps that is why I have feelings of loss and loneliness?

I have some things to get in order, and I need a push.

Sometimes I wish I was a mystic, so some force could guide me to the decisions I am suppose to make. Though one of my flaws in personality is; that I give in a little too much in the thoughts of leaving it up to faith. I been struggling with, concepts of how much do I really participate in my life? Is the future planed? Or do I sketch it? Or do I only have a hand in it?

One of the things I need to get order is getting my transcripts together. I want to go back to school, but again there’s a part of me that’s lost on what I really want to do? Since you can’t be a person who is good at little bit of this and a little bit of that. And I am not going to be a world famous artist anytime soon, I need an income.

School is a big choice, because to go, I will be working part-time, and primarily living off loans. It’s possible to do, with budget, etc.
Or maybe I should just suck it up, and work a crap job? One that I really just want to gouge out my eyes at?

On another note, when the hell is it going to be spring? I usually like winter, because when it snows, everything seems new. There’s a certain type of beauty and peace in it, that you can find no where else. But after spending two hours in my car, in the snow, ice mix. I want spring! I want it now.
I can only go to target so many times to let the little boy run down the aisles. Ever since he discovered he was a free agent with legs, he wants to use them as much as possible.

Since the black hole of hobbits and elf’s have consumed my wallet, I can’t find our museum pass, and why oh why aren’t they open to 7?

So, yes we need spring.