finding dimes

There are parts of me that stay on the back burner- There are parts of me I am way to embarrass to talk about, unless I am in the right company with other believers-
one of the back burner subjects, is that I sometimes see things that are not there- usually in twilight, or at night. I will see a man on the side of the road- a child in the street, animals- sometimes it's just my eyes playing tricks, the man i saw was just a barrel, the child a stack of trash- sometimes my eyes are not playing tricks on me, the images fade, or I pass by them and they don't fade- and I am left wondering-
I tend to feel cold for no reason-
There's a big part of me that has block this all out- You know my 'sane' self- So I block, but the block comes off and I start to see again- I been seeing a lot lately- maybe it's the seasons changing- or I am letting my self be more intuitive, and less scared-

but i been picking up dimes like crazy off Ezra's bed room floor- Granted he gets in our change, and likes to carry it around now for gumballs- but today, I picked up all the change, he was following me from room to room, and when I came back there were three dimes lined up with each other-

i'm tired of being the nice girl

I am tired of playing the role of the nice girl-
Of holding back all my thought and honesty-
I just want to wear a red cape, with a blue letter B-
I want to be that inner bitch that is festering inside-
I want to say fuck you- to all those who pass by-
I want to bite off the heads, snap the necks and spit them out-
I want to go postal-

my patience has ran out- i am tired of rules, regulations, obligations
I am squirrel climbing up a building, getting no where-
I am the fish in a tank, trapped, and tired of looking for hand outs-

but sadly i am still a nice girl, with a capital N- who has a inner bitch that is festering, boiling, inside

The kittnes

A stray female cat, had a litter of kittens in our side yard- Because my house is already full of male adult cats, I can't adopt them in- We visit them every day, and I am not sure what to do with them, I dont have the heart to call the spca and seperate the mama kitty from the baby kittens, and worry about the mama kitties faith, shes very sweet and lets us pet her kittens and her while she is nursing them-
sighs!

the dreams

dreams, my dreams are tangled up webs scenes and pictures- They contain future moments, with people from the past- sometimes my dreams play out in the present- sometimes they are future moments imagined by me- some are dealing with issues of closure that I never reached- sometimes i am haunted by them, and sometimes I never want to wake up from them-

i sometimes ponder if other people actually exist? the god complex- I am the big writer of the story- there is of course foreshadowing- events that other people go through that 'affect'effect' my life, but I of course write them with out knowing it-

my thoughts come from I will never feel the way another person will, my sense of knowing them is purely subjective- some of my characters are developed, and other's are just stand ins- The characters might have separate lives, but I am the writer, even if I am not fully consciously aware that I am writing other people 'lives'-
You can tie this idea in to the conscious collective-

Sometimes I wish I could write a life back into my story of the present- and remove them from the past participial- but I try to understand that life has a course-

again another thought of are we predestined? going back to above thought, did we create this life, or write this story before even living it- and perhaps life can be equated to a series of novels-

and we don't really write our lives, but 'god' does, thus we are all god's children, and god is just a big writer in the sky---

of course i dont have the answers to these questions- nor do I have all the answers on why I make all the choices I do- And I don't have the answers on why certain people enter my dream place so often-

The world has gone crazy

and I have missed the party ship!

the truth hurts

I wish I could be 100% truthful about everything, but there are time where I will spare someone the truth- The truth of what I am really thinking, or is walking around the corners of my head-
Some of my truth isn't truth at all, they are just feelings...feelings without logic, with out hours of over thought- I am a dweller-
If I have an argument with you, and you said something hurtful, the next small argument we have it's going to bring up what you said last time-

yesterday night i just didn't want to get out of bed- I am usually that actively participating mother, but I went to bed at 8, with to many sorrow thoughts of my mind- One reason is so I can have my morning, early morning with out any interruption. I woke up at 5:30 am, just so I can be with myself.
Another reason I was just simply depressed, perhaphs the hormone imbalance from my monthly cycle, perhaphs because my husband reminded me of our 'terrific' (terrific root word is terror) fight we had last Tuesday, and I was dwelling...perhaphs is because I just lost some hope in everything-

And what sucks I am still sad..some would say i have a neuro imbalance, and need some happy drugs to balance me-
sorry i don't want to become a part of society that is addicted to lets shove some drugs down your throat- don't we have pills for everything? and the 'illegal' ones are just another racket- seriously think what would happen if to this country if the black market suddenly closed...oh so many people would be unemployed...

fuck drugs and the power they have over you- I lived and dealt with addicts my whole life- and i really just want to go is it? is it really that bad? do you have food? family? a place to live? stop being so fucking selfish you fucking bastards- if you don't think your current actions are going to effect your love ones in the future, your fucking stupid-? i mean come one a child will ask herself, like i did, why are they getting high? do they not love me?? love me enough?

i am not perfect i have my own addictions, i've tried drugs- i still drink occasionally, and a little too much when I am not with my child- but being high for me is just not worth it

i wish

i found chemistry more intresting, I mean polypeptide bonds make me just quiver with excitment...

I take horrible pictures...

I take horrible pictures, even when I smile, the smile is generic. Only in off moments, will maybe a good picture will emerge..
I don't have a kodac face- There are no lies on my face, I will not pretend to fake smile when I am not happy-
My son takes pictures, all that happiness comes out-

I wish i was that happy-

I would be a liar, if I said I didn't deal with depression issues, I would be a liar if I said if I didn't deal with anxiety issues. I deal with both, and I am trying for myself to move foward to find coping mechinisims-

The truth hurts-

A little about the cats...

Bella Lagossi- or Belly Kitty

He is the largest of the cats, and the one who has been with me the longest. I found Bella outside of the door when I moved into an apartment on Stanley ave in 2004. I already had Oscar kitty, though I had an open spot in my heart for another Kitty because of the tragic death of Moondust kitty...For a week Bella scratch and meow at the back porch, I assume that my apartment was Bella's previous home, and who ever lived there before left Bella there, or he ran away when they when they were moving and they couldn't find him..or the crazy landlord drop him at the house...
Since I found him on the back porch and lived on the second story, I will assumed he was left there and was meant for me. It took me about a week (yes i feed him the whole time he was outside on the back porch) to let him in.

Bella gained a serious amount of weight after he was snipped. I will NEVER go to that vet again!!

He is now pushing 25 pounds...

He is now our Son's cat because he is docile and will not scratch him no matter what the kid does to him...Ezra likes to try to pick him up, lays on him to cuddle, kisses him, sometimes tries to ride him- hes very gentle with Ezra, and Loves the attention that my son gives him...

Oscar-
Is no longer with us, he left one day and never came back :( he was a sweet cat, but was meant to be an outside cat, and hated to be indoors, he would go outside any time he could sneak out.
I miss him dearly-

Apollo- Was given to me after the 2004 election. One of my fellow employees wanted to keep him after they found him abandon in the gutter. the fellow employee wasn't responsible to keep him, and didn't understand why he was so scared...
Apollo was in pretty bad shape, I have no idea how many months he was on the streets with out a home, and it's possible he was on the feral side. He was quite small, even though the vet said he had his adult teeth, had tons of worms....
He was a scared cat...Bella took the mother role to Apollo and loved him dearly..
Because he fit in, and I have a way with cats, I got him to warm up to me. He is my cat. He sleeps on me, I am the only one who can pick him up to hold him. Hes slowly warming up to Ezra and now comes to him when he has 'num nums' (cat treats)

Sebastion- Is a costly fur ball who got adopted from the pound. He is furry gray and has the most spunk. He has had a lot of urniary problems, and a lot of vet bills, he's on life 7 out of 9, but hes the cat with spunk and I love him.